Q: Kathryn, I was in a relationship with someone that escalated in months from meeting him to wanting to live together! Our attraction was off of the charts and we couldn't get enough of each other, physically and
emotionally. After a few months, there was some miscommunication and fear on both of our parts over the intensity of the relationship and we split. I followed your protocol and released him, as painful as it was. He has come back to me constantly since then, saying all of the right things but not backing them up. Then he disappears again, and returns a few weeks later with the same song and dance. I have attempted to date other people, and have performed the release a 2nd time and still having the same push-pull affects with this man!  

I know there is a part of the release where we are to be sure to release from our sexual organs and not just our heart. How can I be sure that I'm doing that correctly, and should I try to release him again? I know after several attempts the release can not work as well, as you've stated in your books. 

I am at your mercy, Kathryn! I have to move on from
this man or be forced to stay in this plateau and not find my true happiness and love deserved of me. Thank you in advance for your reply!

A: I'm sure you're releasing correctly, but it sounds like there is part of you that doesn't want to let go. Release never works unless you really know you need to let go and are determined to do so. 

In this case, you still sound like you are at his beck and call. The minute he shows back up, you come running! That is not released.

• Anyone who blows hot and cold is categorized in my work as an EEL. They slip out of your grasp just when you think it's going well. Over and over again.

 This is one of the most addictive love situations there are. In a mouse-cheese experiment, the most addictive situation there was involved sporadic reward. The mice would hurt themselves to try & get the reward.

• Sporadic reward in love -- where the love interest shows up, seems interested only to disappear again -- is similarly addicting.

• When I work with a coaching client on this issue, I remind them that they are not a puppet on a string. They have free will, and rather than be frustrated for months or even years, they can choose to walk away -- even when the eel slithers back over for another go-round.

• Let's face it. This guy is not showing the kind of interest you would want. He can walk away easily. This is not soulmate material, and I want better for you.

 Rather than worry about doing the release well, let's worry about making it stick. The tools that I give you in the release work will ensure it sticks.

 The most important tool of all to make a release remain effective is to focus beyond this current guy.

 Imagine a guy who shows up and doesn't go anywhere -- one who is even sexier. One with whom you know you're not wasting time, but will go the distance.

• Doesn't that sound infinitely better than remaining hopeful for a guy who is not proving worthy?

• You can expect more for yourself. Many people hang onto the crumbs they're given out of fear there won't be more ahead. That is fear-based instead of exhibiting any faith whatsoever.

• Have faith and let's keep looking beyond this guy. You will forget he ever existed if you can go steadily forward and not look back.

• I promise you someone better lies ahead in your future. The first step towards him is getting rid of this eel.

I'm sending you love & support for really moving on this time!

Q: Kathryn, my boyfriend and I recently broke up, and he almost immediately got together with someone else. His new girlfriend seems so perfect: 20 pounds lighter than me, younger and very beautiful. He seems so happy, and I just don’t get it

He was not that nice when we broke up. How can someone who acted so badly get this happiness, and yet I’m still alone. It just doesn’t seem fair, and I have to admit I obsess about this far too much

I know you’ll tell me to do more releasing but why did he bounce back so quickly and get so much when I’m a good person who took so much crap from him and I’m the one suffering here?

Can you help me understand this?

A: This is a great question, and I’m so happy you wrote me

What you’re talking about is something that so many do

They cause themselves untold pain for no good reason

Why? Consider this:

 It’s pretty normal to go through a period of reckoning regarding your ex after a break-up
 And far too often, I hear someone like you obsessing over how happy your ex gets to be while you suffer
 THE SAD TRUTH: You don’t really know how well your ex is doing or not doing because you can’t get inside his head
 THE SADISTIC TRUTH: If you GOT OUT A BAT and started beating yourself, it would probably be less painful than what you are doing to yourself in your head
 I know that sounds dramatic but it’s excruciating to go over and over this telling yourself how pitiful you are and how gloriously happy he is
 Your ex dragged his problems with him. So it’s likely he’s not as happy as you think. Anyone that disconnected to behave in that way is not in a good enough place to be super happy – at least not for long

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

1. Every time you start obsessing over your ex again, catch yourself
2. Remind yourself that you don’t know how he is, and you will not get out that bat and start beating yourself with thoughts that are hurtful to you
3. Then, turn your thoughts to something more productive. Anything that will make you feel better – like dreaming of a soulmate that is so much better than he was to you
4. Here’s another truth: you have no idea how long your ex will last with this new woman, and you will pass him as you find your One, someone who is head & shoulders above what you have had so far
5. If we can keep your eyes on where you want to go rather than pulling out that bat, we can quickly magnetize the love of your life, and you’ll be far too happy in his arms to give another thought to your ex beyond thanking God it didn’t work out with him

If we can shift this, your soulmate will come to you and it will be a done deal