QKathryn, what advice would you give someone who absolutely feels they have been hurt so badly that they no longer can feel their heart, there are no emotions, no compassion…nothing, but yet, and still, they want LOVE!!  How would a person like that find their way back to their heart?

A: Great question, and I have to admit you are not the first person who has asked me something similar especially lately

Bless your heart for having gone through this hurt. I'm sorry you had to endure that!

But I have good news . . . you have EVERY hope for love. Here are some keys to finding love despite it all

1) Find anything you can love: a pet, a small child, a hobby, work, a relative. Opening your heart back up is easier if you approach it sideways -- in an area not as 'threatening' as romance.

2) We need to change the focus here. I would do some release first and vow that your past does not have to predict your future, so you will not dwell on it any longer

3) Now, let's refocus. We can do that in a number of ways. I call this the "replace step" after you've released, and it is essential so you don't shut back down.

First, look around for happy couples and promising singles who are good and not toxic. This helps remind you that not every relationship is hurtful. Then, imagine yourself with someone who would never hurt a hair on your head -- your soulmate

If you can gently nudge yourself into a kinder, gentler idea of love, it will raise your point of attraction, you will bring on the love of your life, and your heart will come out to play, never to be hurt again

I had one coaching client who had been emotionally
battered beyond belief. I walked her through the above steps in depth, and I'm happy to report she recently got engaged. The enchanting world she is living in now bears so little resemblance to the agony of her previous hurtful relationships that she often has to pinch herself to make sure it's real

That's what I want for you, too!

Q: Kathryn, I did your dating program, and it seemed to work. I began dating a very attractive man who has everything I've wanted, and it was going along swimmingly.

I got scared, and I have to admit I did a push-pull. I would get the jitters and pull away and then get clingy after having to apologize.

This has gone on for three months, and he is drifting away. He used to call or text almost daily, and now, I haven't heard from him in almost a week.

Was this behavior repulsive? Did I blow it? What can I do now?

A: My answer is that if this man is the right one, you can't blow it with him. It's retrievable.

But yes, push-pull behavior is absolutely repulsive. You might as well put your hand on his chest and push him away. Desperation and anxiety are repellents.

If I were working with you privately, we would need to tackle this pattern of behavior and get rid of it. I have no doubt it's why you've had trouble finding love. Here is an alternative approach.

Be aware that you have this pattern of getting scared when you get close to someone. And vow to handle it internally -- within yourself -- rather than acting it out with your date.

Stop the worst of it right away. Sit on your hands rather than do a "pre-emptive strike" like breaking up before he breaks up with you or writing a Dr. John letter because you're sure he's about to end it.

Learn self-soothing. This is a real key to going from dating into commitment. Working it out with yourself rather than exhibiting very "off" behavior with a love interest is a MUST. How? I use various protocols such as meditation, focus wheels and pivoting in my private work and courses.

Look for anything that can center you when you have fear coming up.

Rehabbing the Relationship

You can still retrieve this relationship if you do the opposite of what you've been doing. Do a "partial release" -- something I give to private clients and that you can emulate by letting go of him at least enough to not be calling or thinking of him all the time. Focus elsewhere for now.

When he calls, don't put all of your anxiety on him. He's not responsible for your issues. Even when you're married, you can't lay that all on your spouse. Instead, be happy to hear from him and look for the connection you two shared at the beginning.

If he's the One, it will work out, especially if you can practice partial release and interacting in a cleaner fashion.

But if not, don't worry. Your One will be even better than him -- more attractive, more willing to go forward. But learning this lesson now -- of self-soothing and dating in faith rather than fear -- will serve you well going forward

I'm sending you my love & support!