Q: Kathryn, I've been reading your series on dating out of your league, and I have a different situation. I did your Soulmate Bootcamp and am now dating a guy who I would have been scared to even talk to at one time.

It's a stretch for me, and I'm scared I will screw it up. I really really like him - I know I'm falling in love. I go through way too much in this process and can relate to that client of yours who ended up in the emergency room. I hate this anxiety. How am I going to make it to getting committed to him? That's what I want.

And he likes me, too, but I get so nervous I don't see how he will like me enough to bring this into a full-on, exclusive relationship. How can I make this happen?

A: Most people who do my work end up supposedly dating out of their league meaning they are finally involved with someone they REALLY like and can't believe their "luck." (Just to remind you, I don't believe that anyone is out of your league, so I don't believe you would ever "update.")

The time between connecting with someone to when you commit can be a crazy time. I find that it can put people off-center. They're either waiting by the phone or checking email obsessively or busy finding fault and questioning whether this could be the One or not.

Three keys to this time are:

1. Finding center on a continual basis. Whenever you start worrying, let it go by doing a release ("I put this in the Universe's hands and trust it all works out") and then get busy having fun in your life. Don't revolve your life around this person.

2. Being with not-knowing. Instead of trying to rush things along, relish this delicious time of falling in love. As long as it's dynamic, you can trust it will work out but don't try to go from attraction to commitment instantaneously. Better to give it some time trusting that the right things will happen in due time.

3. Work on getting up to speed with this man. Remind yourself you're not chopped liver -- that he is lucky to have you, too. And that you deserve someone special. The more you can see this in range for yourself, the less out of your league he will seem. In truth, he is in your league or you wouldn't have gotten this far into dating together. Getting up to speed means accepting your good as your due, and in this case, it will make a world of difference on how you approach the budding relationship.

I bless you for getting into the committed relationship you want with your soulmate -- the hottest guy you've ever met. This could be it, and time will tell. Just know you're special and DESERVE THIS!!

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here

https://iTeleseminar.com/99782895

Q: Kathryn, I lost three close family members in a car wreck last year, and compounded with my divorce three years ago, I just feel stuck. To be honest, I’m still traumatized and don’t feel like I have the heart for dating. I also have felt like hell physically in the past year or so, too

I feel stressed, depressed and can barely even get my job done

I’m a mess. And yet, I’m lonely

But anxiety always gets the best of me when I even think about starting to date. How can I ever hope to find love with all of this?

A: I’m so, so sorry you’ve been through so much in such a short time. It’s no wonder if you’ve been disheartened. Of course, you’ve been grieving! That is a lot for anyone

But chin up! You still have every hope for love. And that will help you immensely

I’ve worked with many who have faced trauma and anxiety – going back to when I directed crisis support for 6 years and served on the team for 10 years

We used a combo of our training and research to get people over horrific experiences

Let me give you a basic protocol for starting to change things, and then, I’ll tell you a story

1. Write down everything you’re grieving, all that haunts you and your deepest anxieties. This is an exercise I often give those I work with

Research shows that if you bottle up feelings, it will prolong grief and depression. Over 6 months of intense grieving is too much and means you’ve probably tamped down on some of what you’ve been going through

As you express what you’ve been feeling through writing, you will start feeling better

2. Follow that writing with adding some meaning to what you’ve been through. For example:

“My ex hubby really wasn’t right for me. Even though he left me, we already were having problems. It was the wrong fit.”

And (and I know this is a touchy one)

“At least mom, dad and my brother did not die alone. And it was a quick, painless death so they didn’t suffer.”

I realize that’s hard and yet, studies show that finding deeper meaning in a situation helps us to heal it

Any time you can find a better-feeling thought to explain something, it's helpful

3. Now, I want you to imagine what you want and what will help ease your loneliness

A soulmate who cannot get enough of you,
who holds you as you cry out your grief,

who gets you and with whom you build an amazing life together

As you do this, you’re focusing on your future – the only thing you can control – and pulling yourself toward it

There are more steps once you start feeling better (and you will!). But this can point you in the right direction

Now for that story I promised

I once worked with a survivor of the holocaust. It’s a case I talk about in my bestselling book

She had spent a lifetime grieving the family she lost in the most terrible way imaginable in a German extermination camp

And since that time, she had attracted a series of men who took advantage of her

She still carried a victim mentality and had never really recovered from her trauma

It is my belief that any wound can be healed, and we went about doing just that

I didn’t want her to spend the rest of her life – and she was no spring chicken – without love

And so, she did the three steps above plus some other actions I gave her as she healed

Before long, she met the love of her life, a man who would never hurt her

He showered her with gifts, took her on romantic trips, and she had to get used to being treated so well

They moved in together and to this day, are having a grand romance, now in their 80’s

If she could get past this, so can you

And the best medicine is to find love, to feel that closeness, and walk hand-in-hand through life with your soulmate

So I bless you for just that and am so glad you wrote me