Q: Kathryn, my best friend and I are similar in the looks department. When we go out, the same amount of guys hit on us both.
But in the past five years, she has had three proposals while I struggle to get past the first date.
I go on many first dates, but they usually don’t ask me for a second one.
And the few relationships that have gone longer fizzle after a few months.
Is there something I’m doing wrong? I’m told I have a good personality, I’m easygoing and do try my best to flirt.
My friend and I are very similar but how does she manage to get so many guys ga-ga over her?
She herself doesn’t know, and I can’t see that big a difference between the two of us.
I’d love to get your advice on what I need to do differently.
A: That’s a great question, and I’m sorry you’re having issues with dating.
It’s definitely something you’re doing or NOT doing that your friend does, since you two are similar.
I’d venture to guess that it has to do with your energy and what you do on a date.
There are certain things you can do that will create chemistry right away – to get you beyond Date 1.
You can make it so it feels like it’s been longer and he’ll be wanting more of you.
You can use this same process to forge a deep bond fairly quickly so your date will want to go into a commitment with you.
As you probably know, a good portion of my massive Wall of Weddings are folks who had a similar problem.
I’ve coached many, many women into a commitment, engagement and wedding who had a series of fizzles before they found my work.
Here are some basics,
• don’t try to be a big wit. That is NOT what creates a bond
•
ask more questions. There are several questions you can pose that will
create a bond that has him wanting more
•
look in his eyes deeply and do smile. This is one of several bonding
behaviors you can do to make him feel comfortable around you and close
with you
•
make a conscious effort to flirt. Everyone has their unique style but
flirting adds a light sexual connection which creates chemistry
I bless you for finding the perfect love for you, your soulmate, and learning to date toward that delicious goal.
Showing posts with label desperation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desperation. Show all posts
Q:
I've been seeing this guy
I really like. It started out super strong and now is petering out. He's not
calling as much, and doesn't plan ahead for dates with me. I wonder if I did
something wrong that pushed him away . . . like be too needy. Do you think
there's a way to make this work out? I want it to so badly. Do you think I have
a chance with him still? Or did I blow it? Please help me, Kathryn.
A:
I have good news. There really is a chance that it can work out! But we would
need to test it out and do some things differently just to see. Here's the dating
advice or protocol I would prescribe.
1.
Have you been doing all of the heavy lifting? Like the bulk of the texting,
phoning and emailing to set things up? If so, you need to slack off. Back off
and give him a chance to initiate some contact and even some plans.
We
don't want to force it into happening. There needs to be some reciprocity and
mutuality of interest.
2.
Let go a bit while being warm and connected when you do communicate. This looks
like calling less, finding other things to be busy about and doing a release on
him internally -- something you probably know is a specialty of mine. This is
one dating advice you’d want to keep.
3.
Get and stay at soulmate level. Your vibration is everything. You can make
anything work out, attract just like you want and more when you are in the
right place energetically. Neediness and desperation are at the bottom rung of
attraction and will never get you what you want.
Soulmate
Level is hopeful, released, happy and standing in how amazing you are. It
brings just what you want to you.
4.
Don't put all of your eggs in this one basket (of this guy no matter how much
you like him). This is another dating advice you should take seriously. Look
around and be open to others (if you aren't in a committed situation which I
gather you're not). Flirt and focus elsewhere.
I
bless you for working this out. It's possible, and remember that no matter
what, you get love with your soulmate. Hope you find my dating advice helpful.
I'm
sending you love & support!
My video series "Is Tinder Evil?" continues with two you don't want to miss.
They tell you how to avoid the ugly parts and harness the amazing power of dating apps to connect with the love of your life.
Yes, it's possible!
Is Tinder Evil? The Ugly
How to avoid catfishing and the yuckiest part of online and app dating
Is Tinder Evil? How to USE IT BEST
These are the secrets on how to use Tinder and other dating apps to find the love of your life
Do SUBSCRIBE to my Youtube Channel to get more in this series. You can do so at the top right corner of the videos.
A
saying that I love is: “the pain will push you until the vision pulls you.”
Here's a great question one of you sent in.
[to hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here]
Q: Kathryn, I've finally released my ex, but now, I have new
pain. I am so lonely that sometimes -- even though I'm done with him and see he
was not good for me -- I'm tempted to call him just for companionship. And all
my rejection-thinking is arising, too.
Ugh! Am I just so used to pain that I keep recreating it? I
couldn't sleep at all last night. Please help.
A: This pain is fake. And we need to get rid of it.
I know it feels real, so why do I say that?
It's because it's based on false premises.
In
this case, it means that you're being pushed by the pain -- some past pain.
The
reason I call it FAKE is because it's assuming that you will always be in this
place -- that vacuum that happens before love comes.
But
do you know how many people I've shepherded through this time into the arms of
their One? Thousands!
And
every one of them wished they had known what was ahead so they could skip the
useless pain and be getting ready for the lifechanging moment when love walked
in the door.
You
have set a powerful intention to follow your dream of a soulmate, and this
intention is at work on your behalf,
even when you’re not thinking about it.
If you can refocus on that, then you'll be pulled by your
vision instead of pushed by this needless pain.
Pain is an indicator that something needs to shift for you.
Sometimes it’s something that you’re grieving, which is legitimate pain, but
often the hurt is caused or exacerbated by you.
How do you cause your own pain?
• By holding on to a person who is not yours and being unwilling to move
on
• By accepting a belief
about yourself of about love that is limiting
• By letting people into
your life who are hurtful to you and not supportive
• By taking things
personally that aren’t (like “rejection,” which I don’t believe in)
• By having a narrow
vision that is fear-based instead of full of the faith that love is still in
the works for you.
The quickest way to relieve your
pain is to examine how you’ve created it and do something differently.
Also, elevate yourself back to your vision for your life,
dwelling on that instead. As you do so, there is no pain that won’t fade, no situation
that’s irretrievable. A pain-free life becomes real.
I'm blessing you for carrying on toward your vision. It will happen sooner than you can imagine!
Hi, there! Here’s another question one of you sent in
that I’m answering today. It’s a good one, one I
often get, and I hope it’ll help.
Q: I have a friend who annoyingly, always has a
boyfriend. The minute one relationship ends, she finds another boyfriend right
away. Why is it so easy for her and so hard for me? I haven’t even dated anyone
in over a year. Why her and not me?!
A: Great question, and one I often get asked. Yes,
your friend has something you don’t, but it’s not what you think. And just to
reassure you, I often have folks in a similar position PASS their friend by
finding love and getting married while the friend is still going through
boyfriend after boyfriend. It’s not a competition, but if it were, you don’t
LOSE.
What your friend has that you don’t is the following:
a) A good template for having a boyfriend. She’s used
to it, so it’s easier to manifest again. I’ll bet you have some areas in your
life that are easy for you, too.
b) Faith that she gets love, that someone out there
will be right for her and that she’s lovable.
If you lack the above, then it’s probably interfering
with your ability to manifest love. But the good news is that there are ways to
develop these things and manifest so easily you can’t believe it.
Q:
Kathryn, I'm a pretty big introvert, and right now, I'm miserable. I need my
home time and find it hard to go out. And yet, I get super lonely at home
because I haven't yet found love. I need to get out for some companionship and
yet this is hard on me. And I do feel pressure to get out to meet someone. What
do I do? How am I going to get through the holidays?
A: I
had this same problem when I was single, and I have a name for it: "The
Introvert's Dilemma"
It's hard
because we introverts need our alone and home time and yet, it can get lonely
there until we find love. Here are some suggestions:
1) Find a
balance of staying home and occasionally getting out. Plan on some things to
do, even getting proactive, so you aren't miserable during the holidays. Ask
friends and family what they are doing and while pacing yourself, do make some
plans. You can even invite people over to your house for a gathering.
2)
Remember that you may very well attract love while staying at home if you are
doing my work. It's my specialty. But you will still need to connect with
someone you don't yet know so you'll need to be okay with going out with this
person once you attract them
3) For
introverts, one thing that works is developing a comfortable few places to go
where you know folks -- a circle of friends, a spiritual center, a restaurant
or a regular class. It feels more like home and in this way, you're expanding
your ability to get out at least a little bit without undue stress.
4) Keep
your end game in mind. When you meet your soulmate and seal the deal, you're
living together and your delicious companionship is right there at home. This
person gets your need for alone time and yet is there for you, and provides a
great connection at home. Your love can often do the more extroverted chores
like shopping and shlepping so this is really something to look forward to!
One
Suggestion: I am teaching on a 7 day cruise in February 2015. This is very rare for
me. If you come, the setup is that you will have built-in connections,
including me and my family. I am including for anyone signing up through me
some prep work to make connecting easier and an on-board scavenger hunt that
will automatically cause you to meet others in a pressure-free, instructive way
that will enhance your social skills. (You will not believe how many people
have met and married from meeting at my events or made life long friends!)
We will
have 7 days together, and my intention is for it to be a great time of making
new friends, learning so much about heart connecting and possibly finding love,
too. There will rarely be this kind of a chance to get out in a gentle,
supportive environment, so I hope you join me and my fellow teachers. Find out
more while you can still get in (it's filling up) at this link:
I'm
blessing you for finding your way through the Introvert's Dilemma as so many of
us have done. You have a bright future ahead of you, and you are absolutely
supported in being the introvert that you are. There are many, many pluses to
being an introvert, and you do get a love that fits in with your life
perfectly!
I took French in school and always loved the term laissez-faire, which means an attitude of letting things take their course. It’s not a bad principle to use in dating – to a point. The goal is to not date long but date well without stressing yourself out. Here are some do’s and don’ts for The Laissez-Faire Dating Strategy.
1. DO kick back and enjoy the ride. Rather than get anxious to immediately find the right person, it’s much more enjoyable to vow that you’ll have fun getting to know people with the faith that your One will show up.
2. DON’T force things. Don’t push. Don’t get desperate. Don’t over reach out. It’s critical not to try to make someone fit when they’re just not IT. And trying to force something that is not going never works. Worse, if you get desperate because your date’s response is underwhelming, you will literally push them away. Desperation repels.
3. DO let a relationship grow naturally. You cannot skip or even expedite the natural process of dating. And getting overanxious doesn’t help. As long as the relationship remains dynamic with both parties interested, you can trust that it will take care of itself. You don’t have to MAKE anything happen.
4. DO let things flow. If you turn in the direction where things are flowing, it’s the fastest path to your soulmate. Even if you have to pull back or wait a bit, your One is worth the wait. When their soulmate arrives, many are taken aback at how EASY things go.
5. DO limit how laissez-faire you get. Don’t just drift along for months or years, knowing it won’t work out or trying to make it fit when it’s not working. Abandon laissez-faire in favor of a DECISION so that you move on into something that’s right once you see it’s wrong. This is where you reach the limit of being laidback. And if you just take what comes your way for fear of being rejected, you probably have a pattern of settling, and this is where you’ll need to learn to be pro-active.
I bless you for easy dating!
love,
Kathryn
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| Pirates of the Caribbean, St. Lucia Style |
Hi from St. Lucia! We've had a lovely month here and are just about to hop to our NEXT island, Antigua. I have to say that spending the winter in the Caribbean has been amazing.
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