Q: Hi Kathryn! I love your Q & A’s and have one of my own

Ugh! I’ve had another couple of days up all night fretting, and I’m finally reaching out to you for help

I had a rough time as a child with abusive, alcoholic parents and felt like an outcast growing up

After years of therapy, I’m much better, but . . . . I still have a reaction I just hate and I truly think it’s affecting my ability to find love

It’s bad enough that over and over again, I attract guys who don’t live up, who treat me badly, insult me and hurt me

But what is worse is my reaction. After two dates with a guy, if I feel rejected, you would think that someone died from how this makes me feel

I just had this happen again. A guy I have casually dated for a very short time did something pretty hurtful, and I’m traumatized

No matter how short the relationship was or how casual, every time it ends, I pretty much curl up into a fetal ball for sometimes weeks or months

I’m depressed, I don’t want to date ever again, and I’m just miserable. This is where I find myself right now

The trauma is way out of proportion to what happened, and my friends are calling me out on that. But I can’t seem to help it. I find myself shutting down more and more just to avoid any more dating hurt

At this moment, I never want to date again and just live my life alone for fear of being hurt yet again

It’s frustrating because I do want love! Am I hopeless? Is there anything I can do to change the way I react, what I’m attracting and quit repeating this pattern over and over? Please help!

A: I’m glad you wrote me. Your case is far from hopeless

I suspect you just haven’t yet gotten the help you need

Because I ran a crisis clinic for many years, part of my process specifically deals with trauma that continues to inform what is happening now

I recently worked with a woman who had a crazy childhood with a mentally ill mom who abused her. She married a man who also abused her horribly both physically and mentally

When she came to me, she had finally left the abusive marriage but was still quite traumatized. And we got busy treating the still-present wounds and the resulting patterns

Here are the basic steps I used to help her heal and create something new:

1. We gave her the time to heal properly, to lick her wounds and create a sanctuary around her. In the past she always chose situations and people who would hurt her, so taking care of herself was new to her

2. We began using a multi-pronged approach to create a new security and higher self-regard as well as creating within her in a new template of what healthy love would be like to pull her beyond the past patterns. This ensured she would never again create such a destructive situation

3. Finally, we put in new behaviors for her in regards to dating. She would only date sensitive, kind men and at any red flag, she learned to pull out and not tolerate things she accepted before

The result? She found love late in life that made her heart sing with a kind, sensitive and handsome man. To this day, she cannot believe the happiness she is having in a soulmate relationship that honors her

She finally bucked her past trauma once and for all!

You can do this, too. When the pain is in your face like it is right now – that is the PERFECT time to dealwith it and transcend it

So I hope you take this opportunity to do some serious work to heal your trauma

You will be so busy in love, you’ll forget you were ever traumatized

When I’ve worked with folks on self-esteem issues, Step 2 is CRITICAL

But here's some REALLY good news!

It's the easiest step to take

Some of the steps take you out of your comfort zone

They can be TERRIFYING

This step is NOT SCARY

But that doesn't mean it's always easy

Research backs up the fact that this step -- done well -- is quite effective to make you feel better about yourself

And start attracting the things you want

It's more powerful than working on your trauma or taking any outside action, believe it or not

You can take this step in a measured way that really works . . . . even if you feel that you’ve never had any confidence

At first it can feel a bit forced. But as someone goes through the process I've developed of building themselves up, momentum takes hold and things happen quickly

HOMEWORK: to start on this step, choose one of the below activities to do NOW or asap

• List all of your positive traits
• Pamper yourself and put yourself first in the next day
• Start cataloging your successes

This is a good start

However, to really master this step -- which research shows makes a measurable difference in how you feel about yourself -- three elements must be used or else it won't create the effect that you're looking for

What happens is that people typically only include one or two elements, but never the full three

This 'Trifecta' behind how we do this is an absolute MUST

That's why so many are unable to this step into an easy tool of attraction

They don't know how to use it

Once you understand The Trifecta, this step is your best secret weapon

However, keep in mind that there are common ways of doing this wrong that actually cause more harm than you think

Habits of thinking poorly of yourself can be pervasive and stubborn

I've gotten very good at helping folks snap out of it, even if they've spent most of their life feeling like a loser and consequently, getting treated that way

Once you learn The Trifecta, things can go FAST

A Story

• When one customer went through the Self-Esteem Kit and learned The Trifecta, she finally GOT IT

• That day, she finally got the courage to break up with a guy she’d been seeing (more like friends with benefits) who had constantly disrespected her

• She used to kowtow to him far too much

• The next day, she accepted a date with a guy at work she had begun flirting with she dove into the material

• She had had a crush on him but was scared to even look at him until she did The Trifecta

• As her confidence soared, all of a sudden she not only looked her office crush in the eye but made a connection

• And took it to the flirting level, which he was surprisingly (to her) receptive to

• Even while she was still with the old "boyfriend", her office crush had started asking her out

• Even pursuing her

• So that made it easier for her to finally break up with the friends-with-benefits guy and say YES to the crush

• Her crush valued her in a way she had to get used to, and now the two are hot-and-heavy

Once you begin making these changes, things go pretty quickly in an upward direction

But you do have to do them in a measured and steady way to affect real change

And you do need to know the details about The Trifecta and do the steps well

I hope you’ll seriously vow to tackle your self-esteem issues and gain the confidence you deserve

This is the PRIMARY issue that holds most people back from getting the love they want, the money they should be making and anything else they've wanted in their lives

I'll send you one more confidence step, Step 3, soon

But here's a WARNING - it's the terrifying step :)

Once you tackle your self-image, things get good in a hurry!