Q: Kathryn, my boyfriend and I recently broke up, and he almost immediately got together with someone else. His new girlfriend seems so perfect: 20 pounds lighter than me, younger and very beautiful. He seems so happy, and I just don’t get it.

He was not that nice when we broke up. How can someone who acted so badly get this happiness, and yet I’m still alone. It just doesn’t seem fair, and I have to admit I obsess about this far too much.

I know you’ll tell me to do more releasing but why did he bounce back so quickly and get so much when I’m a good person who took so much crap from him and I’m the one suffering here?

Can you help me understand this?

A: This is a great question, and I’m so happy you wrote me.

What you’re talking about is something that so many do.

They cause themselves untold pain for no good reason.

Why? Consider this:

• It’s pretty normal to go through a period of reckoning regarding your ex after a break-up.

• And far too often, I hear someone like you obsessing over how happy your ex gets to be while you suffer.

• THE SAD TRUTH: You don’t really know how well your ex is doing or not doing because you can’t get inside his head.

• THE SADISTIC TRUTH: If you GOT OUT A BAT and started beating yourself, it would probably be less painful than what you are doing to yourself in your head.

• I know that sounds dramatic but it’s excruciating to go over and over this telling yourself how pitiful you are and how gloriously happy he is.

• Your ex dragged his problems with him. So it’s likely he’s not as happy as you think. Anyone that disconnected to behave in that way is not in a good enough place to be super happy – at least not for long.

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

1. Every time you start obsessing over your ex again, catch yourself.

2. Remind yourself that you don’t know how he is, and you will not get out that bat and start beating yourself with thoughts that are hurtful to you.

3. Then, turn your thoughts to something more productive. Anything that will make you feel better – like dreaming of a soulmate that is so much better than he was to you.

4. Here’s another truth: you have no idea how long your ex will last with this new woman, and you will pass him as you find your One, someone who is head & shoulders above what you have had so far.

5. If we can keep your eyes on where you want to go rather than pulling out that bat, we can quickly magnetize the love of your life, and you’ll be far too happy in his arms to give another thought to your ex beyond thanking God it didn’t work out with him

If we can shift this, your soulmate will come to you and it will be a done deal.

I’m blessing you for the soulmate you so deserve. Let’s put away the bat and get on toward the happy life awaiting you as you let go.

Q: Hi Kathryn. I’ve really enjoyed your work but I feel like I have a block to love that I’ll never get rid of. I’m in a high demand job with a great deal of stress. It drains me so much that I have no time left to deal with romance. When I try to make time for socializing, I literally have fallen asleep at parties.

Even if I met someone, I don’t know how I’d fit him into my packed schedule. A relationship just seems like added demands on me.

But I don’t want to end up alone. Is there any way I can find love with this life I have?

A: It sounds like a lot on you. But rest assured, you have every hope for love.

What can we do about your situation? Make a few changes:

• We need to work on your internal climate & beliefs before taking any action.

• It’s an issue I often deal with in private coaching & coaching groups. The two prong approach is to work on internal issues and then secondarily, change what you’re doing when not working.

• The first internal shift is to find a way to put work on autopilot. You can be doing the same things with far greater stress.

• The second internal shift is to start changing beliefs. Many who overwork have confidence issues. They measure their value in how much work they can do and feel they have to prove their worthiness by working far too hard.

• I would tackle any belief that is running your work life including any of the following:

- I have to work hard or I’ll fail

- I have to prove my value

- Hard work is necessary to succeed

- I never have any time

All of these beliefs will act true until we shift them. And once you get rid of them, newer and much nicer beliefs will rule your life.

Your life can become quite charmed as a result and love is not far behind.

• As we get your internal climate to nicer place, then and only then would we find some fun things to do beyond work.

• And I would suggest leaving work in the office once you embark on personal time which you’ll have a lot more of as we balance your life better.

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

I hope this helps. I’ve helped many, many high flying careerists find balance and love. You can, too.

On that note, my free class this Thursday can help. It’s on career issues and even if you don’t want to be a coach, some of the concepts I’ll speak on relate to your issue.

Q: I have followed your work for several years and it has been quite helpful. However, I still have not found love.  For ten years, I was a puppet on a string but that has since ended (thankfully), and emotionally and mentally I have moved on.  I have started to be more open and even signed up for online dating even though I hate that medium.  

But nothing!  Nothing in reality or virtually is coming my way and I don't know what to do to change that.  In addition, my high school crush has shown some interest but I am not interested.  He is a great guy but we are very different and, now, grown-up.  But I feel this is the only thing coming my way and since I am out of options then maybe I should take it.  I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your help.  

A: I have to first applaud the good work you've been doing. You got yourself out of the dysfunctional relationship and now have a clean slate, so that's amazing progress on your part.

What I advise you to do is to NEVER SETTLE. For whatever reason he's not of interest, it's a huge disservice to him to have him be someone you settle for and to YOU for thinking this is all you can hope for.

Here are some tips on what to do to rev up your love life:

1. Try to ignore the dating desert you're currently in. It's immaterial, just a temporary appearance.

2. Start thinking of a time when you did have more of a love life happening. As you do, you invite that energy back in, and it's a powerful step.

3. Start working on your Level of Attraction. That is EVERYTHING. The reason we have so many people who've found soulmate love after years of despair is that my work gets them to a new place where love can easily come in.

This is equally true for you, and you're just not there yet

A very positive step you can take to set an intention to get your love life going is to sign up for my upcoming free class "Become Irresistible".

As you learn what I teach there, you'll be picking and choosing between several hot men and won't even remember any sort of dead love life.

Chin up - you have good days ahead!

Q: Kathryn, I've heard you talk about this before, and it applies to me.

I have a fear that somehow I'm left out of love.

I cannot stand when people ask me, "why are you not married?" thinking it's a big compliment, which makes me feel worse.

It's gotten so bad that I just skipped a friend's wedding. I'm happy for her but just feel so frustrated and jealous.

I know that's not honorable, and it tears me up to admit it, but I could not face it.

Please help! I know this frame of mind will repel love. What can I do to get over this secret fear I have?

A: I'd say around 90% of people I work with who found love using my work all had this fear.

I'm known for helping the holdouts -- those who can't find love easily -- to connect with their soulmate.

And there's a secret to it. It's easy once you learn it, but it's pretty hard to summarize it here.

But let me give you a hint -- you mentioned this in your question

You are repelling your soulmate

As long as you doubt yourself, you cannot possibly turn the magnet on.

We must get you up to the Soulmate Level of Attraction.

At that stage, you put out a signal that pulls your soulmate to you very quickly.

For some, this has taken only seconds.

A lot of other dating material resonates at the wrong level, even when it sounds good. And that stuff is destined for failure.

At the Soulmate Level of Attraction, you feel hopeful, you walk in who you are and you connect well.

None of this is hard to learn. I've taken even the shyest person and shown her how to do it.

So you can, too.

So my answer is that it's NOT YOU, it's just what you're doing. And it can be easily fixed.

I hope you'll sign up right now for my upcoming free class "Become Irresistible" where I'll reveal how to apply this process for instant results.

It's the same process that every single person on my wall of weddings used.

I bless you for finally getting the love you so deserve -- you've just been doing it wrong, and it can change quickly.

I'm sending you love & support for just that!

Q: Kathryn, I'm at one of my lowest points right now. A couple of months ago, I had a really bad break-up.

I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, and we broke up. To pile it on, I did find romance again quickly, but I know it was too soon and for the wrong reasons. Turns out Guy #2 was sleeping with his female room-mate the whole time we were going out. She got my cell number and texted to inform me of this, which sent me into a huge tailspin.

I feel like I never want to date again. I trust zero guys. What did I do to have so much bad luck in love? And what can I do now? I'm ready to give up entirely on love. Please help!

A: Don't give up on love! We just need to adjust some things, learn the lessons you've gained from this and move on. Just because you've had a couple of bad experiences, it doesn't mean you need to throw in the towel on love.

There really are much better guys out there, and your soulmate would never hurt a hair on your head.

Clearly, your point of attraction after the break-up -- when you were already feeling so bad -- was not at a good place, so sadly, it makes sense that you would attract another bad situation.

Let me tell you the story of one client I worked with. Here's what happened:

 • Her boyfriend left her for her best friend. She was devastated and just looking for anything to feel better.

• She started dating and was attracting horrible dates. One date hit on every friend of hers at a brunch she took him to. She was so embarrassed and at an all time low.

• This is when she came to me. I asked her to lay off dating until we could elevate her point of attraction.

• We raised her standards for herself and worked on having hope again, realizing there were still plenty of great men out there and that she could have faith that her soulmate was there. I reassured her that her soulmate was head and shoulders above these guys she had been hurt by.

• She started treating herself better as part of raising her standards.

• She got less desperate, realizing that she had attracted the brunch player date out of sheer desperation to feel better after the hurtful break-up in which she lost both her boyfriend and her best friend.

• After a short break from dating and doing this inner work, she met her soulmate. She had to get used to him buying jewelry for her, taking her on trips and honoring her in every way. He could not see past her, and she couldn't believe this hunky guy was so into her.

• The two are now married with kids. She feels that her horrible break-up and dating experiences were just a bad dream, she's so happy now.

We can apply this work to your situation, too:

1. Try to imagine a time when this current reality you've just been through feels like a bad dream. This, too, shall pass.

2. Start looking for better guys -- anyone you know or in the media that reminds you there are so many honorable, monogamous good guys around including your soulmate.

3. Treat yourself well and have better standards for yourself. Give yourself the luxury of time to see who someone is before getting too involved with them.

4. Have hope and be patient. You do need some recovery time for this, but it in no way means you don't get love. You do get your soulmate, that is assured. So let's put this in the past, let go and move on.

I'm sending you much love & support for better in your life! You'll get it.

Part of being single and dating can be frightening: the fact that you must make yourself vulnerable to getting hurt. People try to compensate for this in many ways. Examples:

    • Being the one to always end it first to avoid being the 'dumpee'.

    • Finding trivial reasons to get turned off by someone.

    • Being skeptical from the start, guarding your heart too carefully and bailing at the first sign of trouble (even though this behavior may very well have caused the trouble to begin with).

    • Avoiding dating at all, loudly proclaiming you're happy being single, but really, you just don't want to make yourself vulnerable.

   

We all have our ways of protecting our hearts, but I think that it gets in the way of finding love. Vulnerability is the path to love, as scary as that may be. We must trust that the Divine will protect our hearts and that we're okay to be single, dating and open, even if a few disappointments happen before our soulmate arrives.