Q: Kathryn, I need some serious help. There's a guy I've been craving that I see at my gym, but he intimidates me. I can barely look at him, much less smile or try to actually make contact. He just seems out of my wheelhouse. Why would a guy like that -- who probably has women chasing him -- pay any attention to me?

I'm kind of fixated on him. Do you have any advice for getting beyond him being out of my league?

A: First off, he is NOT out of your league. Leagues are a false construct that absolutely do not hold up in love. Statistics back me up on that one, too.

Here's what I suggest -- a technique that uses behavioral therapy -- one of the most effective methods of overcoming fear available.

1) The Attitude Adjustment. Start seeing yourself differently -- as someone that a guy (your soulmate) like him will eat up with a spoon. Your One will be the most attractive person you ever meet, so he's one of the more likely ones to be your soulmate. Elevate yourself to his level as best you can.

2) Remember how dating works. The first encounter is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It's repeated interaction and deeper bonding that most relationships are built upon -- even in their initial attraction phase. (My book Dating for the One really dives into this and how to create that bond.)

3) Now, you need to act "as if" with this hunk. Even it you can't completely believe it, act "as if" this guy were in your wheelhouse. How would you treat him? What would you do? Act as if you have faith that you get love & that it will be a hottie like him.

(I had a recent client try this, and she had the guy who had intimidated her chasing her down for a date.)

Prepare for your next encounter using this process. It works wonders. I'd love most of all for you to know just how lucky he is to talk to you. You discount yourself when you feel in a different wheelhouse, and it's just not true.

Love & support for changing wheelhouses, 
Kathryn

Q: I am in what you call "a dating desert" and it doesn't seem to end.

I don't have any eligible men coming into my life whom I can date. I can't even find someone interested to practice on all the knowledge I have learnt about relationships in the past 2 years. Even online, I created a profile and decided to give it a shot, came across two profiles for men who seemed interesting. They contacted me and we started to chat but in both times it fizzled away very quickly and they stopped contacting.

If the outer reality is only reflection of what is inside us. What belief could be inside me that prevent me from finding interesting men in my outer environment?

I tried to release beliefs that there is no one for me in this town and good men are hard to find but still haven't seen any results.

To be honest I don't believe my soulmate is living in my home town but still I can't move out right now and need to practice. HELP.

A: First off, let's not make a conclusion when you feel so down. You're not seeing anything clearly when you're discouraged Of COURSE, you have a soulmate, who could be closer than you know.

A dating desert is just a temporary appearance. Because it's so organic, love could show up any minute. And people doing my work have had it show up in under 10 minutes. So you never know . . .

Good for you to look at your beliefs to see how they are affecting what is or isn't showing up in your life. Your inner belief that is limiting you could be something like:

"There are no interesting, eligible men in this town."

"I'm so picky that I'll never find anyone."

"Online dating is a barometer that I'm not meant for love."

Remember none of these are true. Best course of action is:

1) Work on these beliefs. Look for evidence to the contrary. Happy, married couples in your town reminding you that if someone found love there, so can you. And the fact that people come and go in your town all the time. Or you could meet someone one town over.

Remember all of my love stories of love being found in the most unlikely places by seemingly unlikely people. Why would you be left out of this? You wouldn't!

2) Do not do anything that gets you down. I wouldn't pursue online dating since it is discouraging you. One of the biggest mistakes people make is using a temporary dating desert, bad results in online dating or anything on the outer as an indication that you don't get love. Nothing could be further from the truth.

3) You may need to distract yourself for a bit since love is such a hard subject for you. I suggest putting thoughts of love on hold for now, and just do anything that will make you happy. Concentrate on enjoying friendships, enjoying activities that give you pleasure and just getting happy now. It will put you in a better energy for love to come in even when you are not thinking about it.

I'm sending you SO much love and support to realize that you are precious, lovely and extremely lovable. Love WILL happen for you. I'm holding that with you!!

Love and support, 
Kathryn