5 things NOT to say on a first date

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Q: Kathryn, I have blown so many first dates that it's rare that I get a second date with anyone. I'm pretty talkative, and I do like to get down to the nitty gritty so we don't waste time. I'm also pretty opinionated. Could you tell me some things not to do on a first date? I'd like to at least graduate to getting a second or third. It's getting pretty frustrating, and I know I'm worthy of love.



A: Though you can't blow it with the right one, it sounds like you must be connecting at a lower level than is helpful to have this repeated experience.

But let me help. Here are 5 things not to say on a first date:

1. "If _____ is elected, I'm leaving the country." I literally had a client say this, and guess what? The guy cut the date short, and she never heard from him again. Why? We don't know his politics, but diving into divisive topics like politics and even religion does not set a great tone. It's heavy, can lead to arguments and is not the energy we're going for.

You said you were opinionated, so I wonder if you dive right in to your opinions. Dates are more about connecting than setting forth positions, so I'd avoid these topics early in the getting-to-know-you period.

2. "Let's go back to your place. Check, please!" This is what a guy I worked with said after his date got a bit flirty. She backed off in a hurry. Mild flirting is okay but to get into overt sexuality too early may send your date running. It can hijack the focus and circumvent the two of you having a chance to get to know other facets of one another.


Intimacy will come soon enough if it's right, but as we all know, chemistry is not enough.

3. "I, I, I". If you are talking all about yourself, trying to impress your date or let them see who you are, it's a mistake. You're not trying to prove yourself, and this is not connecting. Real connecting looks like: "You talk. They talk. You talk." And it's best to focus more on asking questions and being a good listener than making it all about you.

Some people might mistakenly brag or name drop, but neither of these will be effective in creating a bond.

4. "What do you want in a relationship?" Turning the first date into a fact finding mission so you can see if they match your list is heavy and not the right level for connecting.

You can assume your date wants what you do, but it will remain to be seen whether you want it with each other.

Let the time together stay light and fun to see if you connect. Enjoying each other comes first. You will see soon enough if the two of you want to continue or not.

5. "My ex was a real gold digger. It's made me cautious about who I let in." I would avoid talking about your past. When you do, you drag it into the present moment, which is not fair to your date.



I once had a client who was so locked into past mistakes that she judged each date through the cloudy lens of fear rather than understanding her point of attraction had shifted. She had to learn to trust that she would get different results now that she had changed. Instead of worrying what she would do if another guy proved unavailable, she had to learn to imagine the man in front of her was available and would not behave the way ex-flames had.

That was huge learning for her, and it led to her current happy marriage. Relying on old data and past patterns when you have changed will mess up your dating life until you quit doing it.

DO THIS INSTEAD! Instead of low vibe communication, keep things on a high flying level by seeing your date as someone sacred and enjoying him in the here & now.

Have fun! Laugh. Be light. Save the serious stuff for later. And you'll get to a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date until you've got a date for life!