Love Repellent #6

Love repellent #6 is what can crash and burn a great relationship just when you're getting to engagement

You're committed, it's serious and suddenly he's pulling away

He might even say something like: "I just can't see myself marrying you."

Or hedge and delay proposing

I have had more people than I can count coming to me devastated that the person that they thought they would marry bailed on them

And I have helped most of them work it out to marry that person

THE LOVE REPELLENT

So what is the love repellent here?

Not navigating the time from commitment to engagement and marriage well

- This can be a crazymaking time

- Where your safety mechanisms rise up -- without your even knowing it

- And you sabotage the entire thing

- How?

- By acting out, by creating drama, by criticizing

- Behavior like this pulls you two apart

- It's a way to try and keep you safe as you get close

- But it can kill a very solid relationship

- Most people don't even know they're doing this

- Healing this situation often involves going to the very roots of the original wound

So what do you do differently?

THE ANTIDOTE

You must learn to open up even further and stay at a higher level with the relationship

Why are we so tempted to get judgy, make waves, to pull away?

If you have been hurt in the past -- especially during childhood -- something deep in you will be scared to death to go that deep with someone

And you will find a million things wrong with him

Every insecurity will come up

Every suspicion will rise up if you do not feel safe

And you push your mate away one way or another

Here is the antidote:

1. You must learn a skill that is the basis of any effective therapy - self-soothing

2. Deal with your own drama and don't project it on your mate

3. Keep seeking a position of FAITH rather than mistrust in the relationship. You must find a way to feel safe!

4. Let your mate have his space when he needs it

5. Test the relationship to see if it's dynamic, and if it is, you need not worry about where it's going

6. Be as even-keeled as you possibly can during this time and enjoy being part of a couple

SHE DROVE HIM AWAY WITH HER DRAMA

One client met the nicest, hottest guy she had ever dated within a month of us starting to work together

But then it got complicated

The two quickly went from dating to committed to talking marriage

But I soon discovered why she had never been married at age 42

She start finding fault with this guy - pulling back from him over very small things

And she was suspicious if he even looked at another woman (her last ex had been unfaithful)

This client went so far as to not speak with her boyfriend for days at a time over things she made up in her head

He could not manage to soothe her insecurities and soon tired of jumping all the hoops she was putting up

So we enacted the Engagement Formula to the rescue!

My job became healing the part of her that was so badly hurt

Learning self-soothing

And ceasing to project all of her past wounds on to this poor guy who truly loves her

It took a lot of talking her off the ledge

Calming her down

And doing an interrupt on this very destructive pattern she had going

No wonder she was single at age 42!!

Deep healing was accomplished

And she learned to let herself be close without fear

The two are now married

And she still pinches herself at how "lucky" she is (she created this "luck" in truth)

Healing my client from Love Repellent #6 finally got her the one thing she wanted most but was scared she would never have -- marriage to her soulmate!

YOUR HOMEWORK

1. Write down every way that you have sabotaged yourself in past relationships

Some of the common patterns are

~ creating emotional drama

~ being suspicious, projecting past bad experiences onto my boyfriend (or girlfriend)

~ distancing, disappearing for a while

~ being super judgy over minor issues with partner

~ demanding partner jump through hoops to prove themselves

Does any of this sound familiar?! :)

2. When the above patterns try to assert themselves, don't say a word, don't do anything but get some time alone to self-soothe, have an attitude adjustment first

3. Do communicate with your partner. If (s)he's your soulmate, the relationship is resilient. Staying in touch, disclosing what is going on is a KEY to building a good, healthy, dynamic relationship

Stay tuned for our final Love Repellent #7 in next blog. This repellent is the one that leads to divorce. 

It can sabotage a relationship at any stage, and MUST be dealt with