3 things NOT to say on a first date

Q: Kathryn, I have blown so many first dates that it's rare that I get a second date with anyone. I'm pretty talkative, and I do like to get down to the nitty gritty

so we don't waste time. I'm also pretty opinionated. Could you tell me some things not to do on a first date? I'd like to at least graduate to getting a second or third. It's getting pretty frustrating, and I know I'm worthy of love.

A: I'm so sorry to hear you've had this experience, but we can change it!

It sounds like you are probably saying some things that are shooting yourself in the foot on dates

Let me help. Here are 3 things not to say on a first date:

1. "I, I, I". If you are talking all about yourself, trying to impress your date, it's a mistake

You're not trying to prove yourself, and this is not connecting

Real connecting looks like: "You talk. They talk. You talk."

And it's best to focus more on asking questions and being a good listener than making it all about you

Some people might mistakenly brag or name drop, but neither of these will be effective in creating a bond

In fact research shows that kind of conversation is pretty offputting

Make your conversation a two way street where neither of you is having a monologue

2. "What do you want in a relationship?"

Turning the first date into a fact finding mission so you can see if they match your list is heavy and will not create an emotional bond between  you two

It can even be fear-based, trying to avoid another unavailable guy, but avoiding anything does not work well

You can assume your date wants what you do, but it will remain to be seen whether you want it with each other

Let the time together stay all about connecting

Enjoying each other comes first

You will see soon enough if the two of you want to continue or not

3. "My ex was a real gold digger. It's made me cautious about who I let in."

I would avoid talking about anyone in a negative way

When you do, you show yourself as judgmental and your date will begin wondering how you are judging him (or her)

I once had a client who was so locked into past mistakes that she judged each date through the cloudy lens of fear 

She had to learn that she would get different results now that she had changed

And approach each date with faith and trust

Instead of worrying what she would do if another guy proved unavailable, she had to learn to imagine the man in front of her was available and would not behave the way ex-flames had

She also had to alter her conversational patterns to connect better, something that I do with folks who dive into courses or groups with me

That was huge learning for her, and it led to her current happy marriage

Habits of past bad connecting or unhelpful conversation HAVE to be changed so you can open up to love

DO THIS INSTEAD! Instead of worrying about impressing your date or judging them, seek only to connect and create an emotional bond

THAT will keep them thinking about you after and wondering when they can see you again

Make sure you're connecting and that changes everything

You'll get to a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date until you've got a date for life!