A saying that I love is: “the pain will push you until the vision pulls you.”
Here's a great question one of you sent in.
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Q: Kathryn, I've finally released my ex, but now, I have new pain. I am so lonely that sometimes -- even though I'm done with him and see he was not good for me -- I'm tempted to call him just for companionship. And all my rejection-thinking is arising, too.
Ugh! Am I just so used to pain that I keep recreating it? I couldn't sleep at all last night. Please help.
A: This pain is fake. And we need to get rid of it.
I know it feels real, so why do I say that?
It's because it's based on false premises.
In this case, it means that you're being pushed by the pain -- some past pain.
The reason I call it FAKE is because it's assuming that you will always be in this place -- that vacuum that happens before love comes.
But do you know how many people I've shepherded through this time into the arms of their One? Thousands!
And every one of them wished they had known what was ahead so they could skip the useless pain and be getting ready for the lifechanging moment when love walked in the door.
You have set a powerful intention to follow your dream of a soulmate, and this intention is at work on your behalf, even when you’re not thinking about it.
If you can refocus on that, then you'll be pulled by your vision instead of pushed by this needless pain.
Pain is an indicator that something needs to shift for you. Sometimes it’s something that you’re grieving, which is legitimate pain, but often the hurt is caused or exacerbated by you.
How do you cause your own pain?
• By holding on to a person who is not yours and being unwilling to move on
• By accepting a belief about yourself of about love that is limiting
• By letting people into your life who are hurtful to you and not supportive
• By taking things personally that aren’t (like “rejection,” which I don’t believe in)
• By having a narrow vision that is fear-based instead of full of the faith that love is still in the works for you.
The quickest way to relieve your pain is to examine how you’ve created it and do something differently.
Also, elevate yourself back to your vision for your life, dwelling on that instead. As you do so, there is no pain that won’t fade, no situation that’s irretrievable. A pain-free life becomes real.
I'm blessing you for carrying on toward your vision. It will happen sooner than you can imagine!
Here's a great question someone sent me -- one I hear all too often.
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Q: Kathryn, I think I'm going to be sick if another person says to me: "Why is someone like you still single?"
They think it's a compliment but it hits me in the gut.
Every insecurity I have that something is deeply wrong with me comes up. . . that even though I look normal and "should" have found love by now, I'm just left out of love.
How can I handle this better? It's super painful.
A: I'm sorry you're experiencing this, but there's an easy way to handle it.
First, let's get it straight that nothing is wrong with you. You're just blocked in some way from love.
You're not the only one. I'd say 95% of the folks who do my work and then find love feared that somehow they were left out. But they weren't, as they quickly discovered.
Secondly, let us prepave for a better experience. You're taking this too hard because it hits your buttons. Come up with a breezy reply to dismiss the comment and change the subject so this moment can pass and not be so rough on you.
"I've been concentrating on my career, so I'm not worrying about it right now. My guy will come when the time is right."
Remember that the questioner is trying to compliment you, probably not realizing it's a bit backhanded.
Let me tell you a story. An attractive woman came to me recently with this same issue.
No one could understand why she was still single and would drop comments like this to her all of the time. Each question hit her like a knife in the gut and intensified her feeling that she was left out of love.
Until I got hold of her :)
We worked on a breezy reply to stop this reaction on her part and skirt past the question quickly.
The genius reply we devised was flirtatiously responding: "And who wants to know?!" when someone asked her why a girl like her would still be single. She simply would not open up the subject of her love life to some wellmeaning acquaintance.
Keeping your love life to yourself is a great idea since when you're single and opening to love, you can be vulnerable. It should be a private.
Making this small tweak helped my client immensely. Her kryptonite was neutralized.
We adopted this same light attitude toward love in general, and I worked with her to start walking in her sexy magnetism that caused people to ask her that question to begin with.
It changed everything for her. She met a guy within a few weeks under an awning when a rainstorm suddenly began. They got to laughing and talking about the crazy storm, one thing led to another, and they ended up going for a bite to eat.
One thing led to another, and they have not been apart since. Their wedding is this September.
Is this a coincidence? Of course not! She had to get rid of her kryptonite and walk in her own strength.
This can be a tricky process to master, but it never fails to produce love.
I hope that you'll come up with your own breezy reply and get on with finding love.