Q: Kathryn, I've been reading your series on dating out of your league, and I have a different situation. I did your Soulmate Bootcamp and am now dating a guy who I would have been scared to even talk to at one time.

It's a stretch for me, and I'm scared I will screw it up. I really, really like him - I know I'm falling in love. I go through way too much in this process and can relate to that client of yours who ended up in the emergency room. I hate this anxiety. How am I going to make it to getting committed to him? That's what I want.


And he likes me, too, but I get so nervous I don't see how he will like me enough to bring this into a full-on, exclusive relationship. How can I make this happen?

A: Most people who do my work end up "updating," meaning they are finally involved with someone they REALLY like and can't believe their "luck." (Just to remind you, I don't believe that anyone is out of your league, so I don't believe you would ever "update.")

The time between connecting with someone to when you commit can be a crazy time. I find that it can put people off-center. They're either waiting by the phone or checking email obsessively or busy finding fault and questioning whether this could be the One or not. I have a few dating advice for this time.

Three keys to this time are:

1. Finding center on a continual basis. Whenever you start worrying, let it go by doing a release ("I put this in the Universe's hands and trust it all works out") and then get busy having fun in your life. My dating advice here is do not revolve your life around this person.

2. Being with not-knowing. Instead of trying to rush things along, relish this delicious time of falling in love. As long as it's dynamic, you can trust it will work out but don't try to go from attraction to commitment instantaneously. The key dating advice here is it is better to give it some time trusting that the right things will happen in due time.

3. Work on getting up to speed with this man. Remind yourself you're not chopped liver -- that he is lucky to have you, too. And that you deserve someone special. The more you can see this in range for yourself, the less out of your league he will seem. In truth, he is in your league or you wouldn't have gotten this far into dating together. Getting up to speed means accepting your good as your due, and in this case, it will make a world of difference on how you approach the budding relationship.

I bless you for getting into the committed relationship you want with your soulmate -- the hottest guy you've ever met. Take my dating advice to heart. This could be it, and time will tell. Just know you're special and DESERVE THIS! 
 


Q: Kathryn, I have the most trouble connecting with someone who is hot. I get flushed and intimidated. I can barely look anyone I find attractive in the eye.

I know you say that my soulmate will be the hottest person to me, but how are we supposed to connect when I can't even speak? It's frustrating, and I have no idea how to get over this. Please help!

A: This is a subject I often deal with people on. Until you can connect with someone attractive to you, you are basically discounting every single possible soulmate. Not ideal!

Let me continue with the updating tips -- this time on connecting -- and that should help.

UPDATING, PART 2: Connecting Do's and Don'ts 

In Part 1 of Updating, I defined Updating as dating out of your league. I don't believe that ANYONE is out of your league, but if you do, I am revealing some dating tips on how to get beyond this and date who you want to -- one step at a time. Part 1 covered The Approach. I asked that when you find someone attractive, no matter how intimidated you feel, you approach them in some way, even with a smile or eye contact. If you don't, you pretty much rule out the very people who may be your soulmate (you will have crackling chemistry with your One).

In Part 2, we cover dating tips such as Connecting Do's and Don'ts. After you have approached someone you are attracted to, you need to seek a connection. Here are some dating tips.

1. DO watch your energy. You want to seem mildly interested, pleasant and harmless.

2. DON'T exude desperation or pushiness. You might as well put your hand on their chest and give them a shove away from you. Why? Desperation and pushiness repel.

3. DO honor the person's boundaries. Don't violate their personal space (learn to be aware of this). Don't go into a monologue if you can tell they're not into what you're saying.

4. DON'T seek to be dazzling. Your stellar personality will be less interesting than being a good listener.

5. DO look deeply into your attraction's eyes and become acutely aware of the connection between the two of you.

Connecting should be light, fun and with sensitive energy. Running anyone over with a bulldozer of in-their-face energy may send them scrambling for cover. Practice these dating tips for connecting with someone in the next couple of weeks with no attachment to the results just to get better at connecting when you want to. More dating tips to come!