Q: Kathryn, I have the most trouble connecting with someone who is hot. I get flushed and intimidated. I can barely look anyone I find attractive in the eye.

I know you say that my soulmate will be the hottest person to me, but how are we supposed to connect when I can't even speak? It's frustrating, and I have no idea how to get over this. Please help!

A: This is a subject I often deal with people on. Until you can connect with someone attractive to you, you are basically discounting every single possible soulmate. Not ideal!

Let me continue with the dating out of your league (updating) tips -- this time on connecting -- and that should help.

UPDATING, PART 2: Connecting Do's and Don'ts

In Part 1 of Dating Out of Your League, I called this UPDATING. I don't believe that ANYONE is out of your league, but if you do, I am revealing how to get beyond this and date who you want to -- one step at a time. Part 1 covered The Approach. I asked that when you find someone attractive, no matter how intimidated you feel, you approach them in some way, even with a smile or eye contact. If you don't, you pretty much rule out the very people who may be your soulmate (you will have crackling chemistry with your One).

In Part 2, we cover Connecting Do's and Don'ts. After you have approached someone you are attracted to, you need to seek a connection. Here are some tips. 

1. DO watch your energy. You want to seem mildly interested, pleasant and harmless. 

2. DON'T exude desperation or pushiness. You might as well put your hand on their chest and give them a shove away from you. Why? Desperation and pushiness repel.

3. DO honor the person's boundaries. Don't violate their personal space (learn to be aware of this). Don't go into a monologue if you can tell they're not into what you're saying 

4. DON'T seek to be dazzling. Your stellar personality will be less interesting than being a good listener. 

5. DO look deeply into your attraction's eyes and
become acutely aware of the connection between the two of you.

Connecting should be light, fun and with sensitive energy. Running anyone over with a bulldozer of in-their-face energy may send them scrambling for cover. Practice this in the next couple of weeks with no attachment to the results just to get better at connecting when you want to. More to come!


Lately, I've had a large number of people come to me in acute grief. How do you know if you're in acute grief? It is hard to function normally. At its worst, you can't sleep, either don't eat or eat too much and cry a lot of the time. If you have pain enough that you can't concentrate at work, are unusually fatigued or spend large chunks of time emotionally taking care of yourself, these are also signs of acute grief.

It is an unusual time and our bodies literally can't last in this state for too long. Therefore, you will bounce back. Don't expect much of yourself during this time. Here are tips for getting through:

1. Take care of yourself physically first. Eat regularly, sleep extra, walk out in the sun for at least 15 minutes every day.

2. Don't add extra pressure on yourself right now. This is the time to pamper yourself with extra lounging time, sleep time and downtime -- you need it.

3. Soothe yourself in any way that you can. Seek out prayer, counseling, supportive friends and anything else that feels good to you -- even a movie or show that distracts you (distraction is fine).

4. Look forward to the future. This is one of the tools in my Breakup Bootcamp. I ask people to begin to formulate a vision that they want in their lives. This keeps you from wallowing in the grief which is no fun and not productive. The more you can get yourself into a hopeful, positive state the sooner things will transform for you.

This is not the end for you. There is more love, more joy and more living awaiting. Remembering that will get you through the trauma state quicker. Blessings to you as you bounce back!

QKathryn, I have an issue with guys I'm intimidated by.

I can't approach them, can't hold a coherent discussion and feel they would never be interested in me

I think I heard you mention something about updating one time. Does that relate to my issue?

Can you help me overcome this? I feel like it gets in my way as far as finding my soulmate goes.

A: Updating is basically dating out of your league. I don't believe in it but many buy into this notion.

If you feel someone is scary to talk to because they're desirable to you, you may believe that they're somehow better than you. This is a false idea.

There ARE NO leagues, only human beings looking to connect.

The next time that you see someone you find attractive, here are some techniques to effectively connect with them.

1. Get rid of the idea that they're better than you or could reject you. They can't. There is no rejection, only the wrong fit.

2. Remember we're not all attracted to the same thing so there is probably a REASON that you're vibing with this person. Intend to explore what is there.

3. Shore up your energy so it 's not desperate, which is repellent. Remind yourself that you are special, a catch for your soulmate.

4. With no agenda other than connecting and keeping
in mind that you are worthy of ANYTHING, approach the person and look him in the eye. Smile and ask him something about himself. Remember he's just a human being like you and needs to connect.
If you are fearful of approaching someone you're actually drawn to, like many that I work with, you automatically count out the people most likely to be your soulmate. Make it a point to stretch into allowing connections with those you find attractive. If you believe in updating, then vow to be a master at it!

I'm blessing you for getting over this and finding your soulmate quickly -- it's entirely possible. Sending love & support your way!

Q: Kathryn, I have always settled in relationship and have never ever dated someone I could see marrying

One of my friends told me about your work in which you teach that being picky is good

What?! That's so opposite of what I've always been told

To be honest, I'm petrified of any guy who seems promising and they feel way out of my league

So what should I do? Should I TRY to date out of my league?

A: People have some strange ideas about love, and one stands out as the absolute worst one if you want to find the love of your life.

That is the concept of Dating Our of Your League (I call this UPDATING)

Almost every single I’ve worked with is occasionally intimidated by someone they find attractive. 

And yet, that person is the most likely to be their soulmate.

that you will have crackling chemistry with your One.

The good news is there is NO SUCH THING as updating. No one is out of your league. We are all equal.

But coming together with your soulmate can stress you out, if you (and this is common) buy into the idea of updating.

Folks who believe in updating (even unknowingly) will always think their soulmate is out of their league.

Why? Because this is the hottest person you’ve ever met.

The solution is to get rid of the updating concept and elevate yourself to a place where no one is out of reach for you.

I will write more about this in the coming weeks. I know it's a topic that needs addressing so stay turned for more

In the meantime, start thinking of yourself as more of a catch -- as worthy as any great guy you see

We need to work on this or else you are consigned to being continually disappointed in your love life

I bless you for knowing just how worthy you are of someone special to you!

Q: Kathryn, I did your course and now, I've finally met someone. It's scary because he's everything I've wanted. I find myself getting nervous, thinking that it's too perfect, maybe too good to be true?!

He's the one who voluntarily took his profile off matchmaking websites and wants to see me all the time. We text all day long. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Is this too good to be true? What can I do?! I'm just so scared that I'll blow it or he will go away. Please help!

A: Congrats! You've done this process well and now you're manifesting. This is what typically happens with people who do my work? Why?

Because when you find your soulmate, it's beyond what you've ever experienced and it can take some getting used to.

I have a client experiencing a similar situation now, and I'm having to do a lot of handholding with her to get her through her own jitters.

Here's what I suggest to navigate this fun, courtship period.

1. Don't cry soulmate yet. It's fine to be cautious and give it the time it deserves to relish and make sure it's the right guy. So far, so good, though, and congrats on that!

2. Do go slowly. If he's really your One, then he will

be willing to wait for you to proceed at your own pace. Besides, it's fun to draw out this stage.

3. Remember to not put all of your eggs in one basket until it's a very solid commitment that has lasted a while. Regardless of how this relationship ends up, it's a huge manifestation and big thumbs up that you're almost there.

4. Take this as a template. Get used to it going this well as your due. You're breaking new ground, and I'm proud of you.

5. Finally, your most important job right now is to get up to speed with having a hot guy be enthused about you. If you were up to speed with it, you would not have jitters. You'd enjoy it, and you'd take it as your due. So our most important task is for you to accept your good and get used to it.

In my private practice, getting people up to speed -- conforming to their good -- is a major step we take. When you get there, it can never be taken away from you, and you'll only go on into more and more of what you want.

Great job! I'm blessing you for going all the way into the soulmate love you want so much. You're doing quite well.

I'm sending you love & support!

Q: Kathryn, a friend recently introduced me to your lovely work, and it’s giving me hope for the first time in a long while

I’m a stressed-out, straight single mom just like you once were

And okay, I’m good at seeing the humor in things. So . . . the soulmate I came up as being perfect for me is {drumroll} . . . .

A gay millionaire in construction

LOL! Isn’t that horrible?! One of my best friends is gay, and honestly, he treats me the way I want my soulmate to.

I just want a dude to come fuss over me, be tidy, pay the bills and fix things up around the house.

I remember your story one time about the older

woman you helped who met a guy who showed up every weekend for dates with a toolbox to do repairs at her house – right off of her soulmate list.

And I sure don’t blame her for marrying him.

Could I have one of those, please?!

In all seriousness, my cup is so empty. I cannot think beyond someone coming to take away my stress. 

Can I attract my guy with this frame of mind? Am I shooting too low?

A: Girl, you are cracking me up!

I love your humor and some lucky guy is going to have fun with you for the rest of his life

Are you shooting too low? Well, if you’re straight and a gay guy is appealing right now (which I totally get in a way), you’d be settling, right? Not really shooting too low, but this is not a fit. And yes, I know you were joking. Sorta

In short, you are in a needy place that’s not the best place to attract what you want

This is something we can fix, though! Here’s how I would coach someone like you:

1. Work on receiving – let’s work on not trying to do it all alone. Even right now, I guarantee you there is help beyond what you’ve been letting in. We must start filling up your cup so you don’t feel so stressed & needy

2. Start saying NO better and doing less. I’ll bet there are a lot of things you think that you should do that are optional. And often, I find stressed-out people are bad with boundaries. It’s hard to decline things people ask of you. If there was ever anyone who needs to do less and receive more, that is you

3. Have your child do more. He’s in 5th grade! Your boy is old enough to help out. I find that many parents these days think of themselves as “employees” of their child, and it produces spoiled children with bad attitudes

Tell him he’s a member of the household, must contribute and you need him. Think of a few things he can do weekly to pitch in and take some weight off of your shoulders. He’ll start feeling proud about it, and you will get a break, too

4. Go for the “pie in the sky” (it’s not really that). Let’s imagine you could have a STRAIGHT millionaire who’s good around the house or can simply hire a handyman. I don’t believe in settling, and everyone I’ve worked with who has found love did not settle

They got their dream person. And you can, too

I’m sending you SO much love for having it all, for replenishing yourself and finding that perfect partner who makes you feel cared for

You deserve that, and as you know, I have a soft spot for single moms