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Q: Kathryn, I lost three close family members in a car wreck last year, and compounded with my divorce three years ago, I just feel stuck. To be honest, I’m still traumatized and don’t feel like I have the heart for dating. I also have felt like hell physically in the past year or so, too

I feel stressed, depressed and can barely even get my job done

I’m a mess. And yet, I’m lonely

But anxiety always gets the best of me when I even think about starting to date. How can I ever hope to find love with all of this?

A: I’m so, so sorry you’ve been through so much in such a short time. It’s no wonder if you’ve been disheartened. Of course, you’ve been grieving! That is a lot for anyone

But chin up! You still have every hope for love. And that will help you immensely

I’ve worked with many who have faced trauma and anxiety – going back to when I directed crisis support for 6 years and served on the team for 10 years

We used a combo of our training and research to get people over horrific experiences

Let me give you a basic protocol for starting to change things, and then, I’ll tell you a story

1. Write down everything you’re grieving, all that haunts you and your deepest anxieties. This is an exercise I often give those I work with

Research shows that if you bottle up feelings, it will prolong grief and depression. Over 6 months of intense grieving is too much and means you’ve probably tamped down on some of what you’ve been going through

As you express what you’ve been feeling through writing, you will start feeling better

2. Follow that writing with adding some meaning to what you’ve been through. For example:

“My ex hubby really wasn’t right for me. Even though he left me, we already were having problems. It was the wrong fit.”

And (and I know this is a touchy one)

“At least mom, dad and my brother did not die alone. And it was a quick, painless death so they didn’t suffer.”

I realize that’s hard and yet, studies show that finding deeper meaning in a situation helps us to heal it

Any time you can find a better-feeling thought to explain something, it's helpful

3. Now, I want you to imagine what you want and what will help ease your loneliness

A soulmate who cannot get enough of you,
who holds you as you cry out your grief,
who gets you and with whom you build an amazing life together

As you do this, you’re focusing on your future – the only thing you can control – and pulling yourself toward it

There are more steps once you start feeling better (and you will!). But this can point you in the right direction

Now for that story I promised

I once worked with a survivor of the holocaust. It’s a case I talk about in my bestselling book

She had spent a lifetime grieving the family she lost in the most terrible way imaginable in a German extermination camp

And since that time, she had attracted a series of men who took advantage of her

She still carried a victim mentality and had never really recovered from her trauma

It is my belief that any wound can be healed, and we went about doing just that

I didn’t want her to spend the rest of her life – and she was no spring chicken – without love

And so, she did the three steps above plus some other actions I gave her as she healed

Before long, she met the love of her life, a man who would never hurt her

He showered her with gifts, took her on romantic trips, and she had to get used to being treated so well

They moved in together and to this day, are having a grand romance, now in their 80’s

If she could get past this, so can you

And the best medicine is to find love, to feel that closeness, and walk hand-in-hand through life with your soulmate

So I bless you for just that and am so glad you wrote me

Q: Kathryn, I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year. We’re committed and heading toward marriage

But my chemistry with him is starting to fade. We had a few arguments, and I found myself not telling him about some things

Now, I question continuing with him, even though our connection was so strong to begin with and we fit together so well

On the other hand, my sister has not even had chemistry with anyone in years. I know she’s picky, but it’s ridiculous

Could my whole family have a chemistry issue? What gives?

I am really stuck on whether I should break up or if there is a way to revive this relationship I’m in

A: These are great questions about chemistry, and I’m so glad you wrote me

This brings up what chemistry is, what fosters it and what kills it. There are two major chemistry killers – whether you’ve been in a relationship for a while or are just starting out. Or even – like your sister – cannot seem to find an attraction

What are the 2 chemistry killers?

1. Having walls up. This relates more to your sister. I’ve worked with many people who cannot find an attraction anywhere. Usually, they’ve been hurt in the past or scared of commitment

They have a hard time being attracted to anyone, their walls are so strong

Or tend to attract only those who are “safe” – the ones they’re not into so their heart remains unscathed. Some are so closed, they attract no one at all

2. Bad communication. This applies more in your case where you had a good relationship and now, it’s going

If you hold things back from your boyfriend, you start building up resentment. It is hard for chemistry to survive in this atmosphere

I have helped to save many a marriage simply by having a couple start being honest and disclosing things

In a healthy (soulmate) relationship, you can tell your partner anything and everything. There’s room for that, and it keeps the chemistry on fire

So how do you restore chemistry? Your situation is easier

 Have a talk with your love and confess the things you’ve held back. Be honest. Research shows that disclosure brings you closer

 I have a technique I use for those just meeting to accelerate bonding and heart-to-heart talks work wonders

 For your sister, finding chemistry takes more work. This is very common in those I work with privately or in coaching groups

 We have to help her adopt a new attitude about love that can help her to open up – let go of bad beliefs and get clear on the idea of risk and rejection

 And as we open her up and raise her point of attraction, love will rush in quickly

 This has been true in so many of those I’ve worked with who had a dry spell or haven’t met anyone interesting in years. They finally found love!

One woman I worked with had not dated in 10 years. She was pretty despairing about ever finding love and said there just were no hot men left (lol!)

We changed that quickly using the protocol based on the above. She realized she was happy alone and that she really couldn’t be hurt

We also started noticing all of the great men out there and worked on her bonding techniques

She found herself opening up – finally!

She met a hot guy she was crazy over within 26 days of us trying this new approach. For the rest of our 3 month coaching time, we solidified the relationship

There were quite a few times when she almost drew back and blew it, but she learned a new emotional pattern that opened up a whole new world of healthy relating for her

The two are now married

I bless you for finding the chemistry you deserve (and your sister, too). I’ll bet this works. Keep me posted!

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Q: Kathryn, I feel so stuck in my life. I had a rough childhood and am so happy that at last I’m on my own now

But I hate my job and am barely making ends meet. 

And on top of that, I can’t seem to keep anyone I’m interested in

The ones I don’t want will come around but when I finally meet someone interesting (let’s call the last one "Phil"), he’ll drift away after a few months together

Phil broke up with me last weekend and said he just wasn’t feeling it. After telling me at first that he could see a future with me and couldn’t stop thinking of me!!!

I’m so frustrated. How is my life nothing like I want it? I’m too old to keep doing this and pretty despairing at this point

Please help me. I’m extremely sick of my life right now

A: I’m so sorry you are suffering, and I totally get it
I’m glad you reached out, though, because I can help

Congrats on making it to adulthood and out of your bad childhood!

Unfortunately, it’s far too easy to get in a rut and not be able to pull yourself any further . . . just what you are experiencing now

So it really IS time to do something new to get different results, right?

It’s something I help so many do, even when they’d just about given up

So WHAT is the secret to surpassing yourself or even your family pattern? To getting unstuck & going beyond where you’ve ever been?

There are 2 ways that I use to help folks break through, and it’s why my success rate is so high . . . even for HOLDOUTS, those who don’t manifest easily

1. Think back to when you’ve had a breakthrough before – even like when you finally got to adulthood and could break free from your upbringing. 

Remember that exhilarating energy when you’ve leapt forward?

As you recapture that feeling, you can use it to propel yourself to where you want to go . . . even if it’s a totally different area of your life

2. Get pulled there by someone who is there

This second way is what my work does well, and it’s why so many people come to one of my events and almost immediately break through to the love they’ve wanted for so long

I pull people with my writings and groups to a new and amazing level. I just celebrated my 15th  year of being married to my soulmate and have a huge track record with thousands of weddings

The books and work I provide a jolt of hope and openings, so that love walks right into the door . . . and you never look back

And other things show up, too, like the right profession, money and more

I can show you how to date in a way you’ve never done before so there will be no more Phils – breaking your heart but instead the right one will stick around

Chin up! You have every hope for not only the love you want, but also a job you love and a much easier way to both make money and be fulfilled!

I bless you for all three

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Q: Kathryn, last night, I met this guy who I am really attracted to. He is handsome, smart and fun. We spoke a while but then he moved on. I said good-bye when we left, but he didn’t ask for my number, and I am disappointed

This happens over and over again to me. I just can’t get anyone who I want interested in me. Is there any way to change that?

A: Yes! You can get someone interested in you by changing what you’re doing

I just had a glorious engagement happen for a client who had this same issue. She did the following steps which resulted in the hottest guy she has ever seen getting on his knee a few days ago and asking for her hand in marriage

1. Be centered when interacting. People can sniff out nervousness or desperation in a heartbeat, and it will send them packing

2. Don’t try to be a wit. Instead get him talking about himself. Ask deep questions, listen intently and use this connection you foster to create an emotional bond. When you do this well, he won’t be able to stop thinking about you

3. Leave him wanting more. There is a way to do this that is not manipulative but instead honoring of your new connection.  Research shows there are certain words you can say right at the beginning that will set you up perfectly to ensure he can not get you out of his head. Then, there is no way he would leave without getting your number

My newly engaged client had been in the friend zone with a guy she had a crush on. She watched him date a few other women and pass her by for weeks until we worked on the above 3 steps in the way I’ve perfected while working with thousands of people

Then out of the blue, her crush confessed feelings for her. She had worked on the bonding I taught her, and suddenly he only had eyes for her. It surprised them both (but not me). The rest is history!

I bless you for turning on that magnet and never getting passed over again. It’s easier than you think