Q: Kathryn, my boyfriend and I recently broke up, and he almost immediately got together with someone else. His new girlfriend seems so perfect: 20 pounds lighter than me, younger and very beautiful. He seems so happy, and I just don’t get it.

He was not that nice when we broke up. How can someone who acted so badly get this happiness, and yet I’m still alone. It just doesn’t seem fair, and I have to admit I obsess about this far too much.

I know you’ll tell me to do more releasing but why did he bounce back so quickly and get so much when I’m a good person who took so much crap from him and I’m the one suffering here?

Can you help me understand this?

A: This is a great question, and I’m so happy you wrote me.

What you’re talking about is something that so many do.

They cause themselves untold pain for no good reason.

Why? Consider this:

 It’s pretty normal to go through a period of reckoning regarding your ex after a break-up.

 And far too often, I hear someone like you obsessing over how happy your ex gets to be while you suffer.

 THE SAD TRUTH: You don’t really know how well your ex is doing or not doing because you can’t get inside his head.

 THE SADISTIC TRUTH: If you GOT OUT A BAT and started beating yourself, it would probably be less painful than what you are doing to yourself in your head.

 I know that sounds dramatic but it’s excruciating to go over and over this telling yourself how pitiful you are and how gloriously happy he is.

 Your ex dragged his problems with him. So it’s likely he’s not as happy as you think. Anyone that disconnected to behave in that way is not in a good enough place to be super happy – at least not for long.

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

1. Every time you start obsessing over your ex again, catch yourself.

2. Remind yourself that you don’t know how he is, and you will not get out that bat and start beating yourself with thoughts that are hurtful to you.

3. Then, turn your thoughts to something more productive. Anything that will make you feel better – like dreaming of a soulmate that is so much better than he was to you.

4. Here’s another truth: you have no idea how long your ex will last with this new woman, and you will pass him as you find your One, someone who is head & shoulders above what you have had so far.

5. If we can keep your eyes on where you want to go rather than pulling out that bat, we can quickly magnetize the love of your life, and you’ll be far too happy in his arms to give another thought to your ex beyond thanking God it didn’t work out with him

If we can shift this, your soulmate will come to you and it will be a done deal.

I’m blessing you for the soulmate you so deserve. Let’s put away the bat and get on toward the happy life awaiting you as you let go.

Q: Hi Kathryn. I’ve really enjoyed your work but I feel like I have a block to love that I’ll never get rid of. I’m in a high demand job with a great deal of stress. It drains me so much that I have no time left to deal with romance. When I try to make time for socializing, I literally have fallen asleep at parties.

Even if I met someone, I don’t know how I’d fit him into my packed schedule. A relationship just seems like added demands on me.

But I don’t want to end up alone. Is there any way I can find love with this life I have?

A: It sounds like a lot on you. But rest assured, you have every hope for love.

What can we do about your situation? Make a few changes:

 We need to work on your internal climate & beliefs before taking any action.

 It’s an issue I often deal with in private coaching & coaching groups. The two prong approach is to work on internal issues and then secondarily, change what you’re doing when not working.

 The first internal shift is to find a way to put work on autopilot. You can be doing the same things with far greater stress.

 The second internal shift is to start changing beliefs. Many who overwork have confidence issues. They measure their value in how much work they can do and feel they have to prove their worthiness by working far too hard.

 I would tackle any belief that is running your work life including any of the following:

- I have to work hard or I’ll fail
- I have to prove my value
- Hard work is necessary to succeed
- I never have any time

All of these beliefs will act true until we shift them. And once you get rid of them, newer and much nicer beliefs will rule your life.

Your life can become quite charmed as a result and love is not far behind.

 As we get your internal climate to nicer place, then and only then would we find some fun things to do beyond work.

 And I would suggest leaving work in the office once you embark on personal time which you’ll have a lot more of as we balance your life better.

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

I hope this helps. I’ve helped many, many high flying careerists find balance and love. You can, too.

On that note, my free class this Thursday can help. It’s on career issues and even if you don’t want to be a coach, some of the concepts I’ll speak on relate to your issue.

This week’s Question: Kathryn, I've read a few of your books about attracting and magnetizing my soulmate to me. But I don't know what to expect the gender to be. I like men and women. More so women (and I am female as well) but I am definitely bi, not lesbian. I can be with guys too. But at first I assumed it will be a girl but ... What if my soulmate is a guy and I pass him right up? And when I write out what I want in the relationship and his/her attributes.. how do I specify the gender? I’m really confused about this. Since every person has this one soulmate, well.... How can I know if my soulmate is a male or a female?
Answer: I sense in your question a bit of fear – that if you don’t get this just right, you may miss your soulmate.
Nothing could be farther from the truth – you WILL meet each other, and this is not random chance.
Here are some points to help you with this issue:
 Each person has someone they’re meant to be with. You can’t miss them and you will be drawn together.
 Gender preferences are irrelevant. The attraction process works whether you are gay, straight, bi or anything else. So using what I teach when trying to be gender neutral in your affirmations is fine (what you said is fine): (s)he or him or her.

 You don’t really need to know ahead of time which gender your soulmate will be if you like both. Just be open and it will become apparent. Love is love and it will become obvious as you go forward with someone.