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Q: Kathryn, I have blown so many first dates that it's rare that I get a second date with anyone. I'm pretty talkative, and I do like to get down to the nitty gritty so we don't waste time. I'm also pretty opinionated. Could you tell me some things not to do on a first date? I'd like to at least graduate to getting a second or third. It's getting pretty frustrating, and I know I'm worthy of love.
A: Though you can't blow it with the right one, it sounds like you must be connecting at a lower level than is helpful to have this repeated experience.
But let me help. Here are 5 things not to say on a first date:
1. "If _____ is elected, I'm leaving the country." I literally had a client say this, and guess what? The guy cut the date short, and she never heard from him again. Why? We don't know his politics, but diving into divisive topics like politics and even religion does not set a great tone. It's heavy, can lead to arguments and is not the energy we're going for.
You said you were opinionated, so I wonder if you dive right in to your opinions. Dates are more about connecting than setting forth positions, so I'd avoid these topics early in the getting-to-know-you period.
2. "Let's go back to your place. Check, please!" This is what a guy I worked with said after his date got a bit flirty. She backed off in a hurry. Mild flirting is okay but to get into overt sexuality too early may send your date running. It can hijack the focus and circumvent the two of you having a chance to get to know other facets of one another.
Intimacy will come soon enough if it's right, but as we all know, chemistry is not enough.
3. "I, I, I". If you are talking all about yourself, trying to impress your date or let them see who you are, it's a mistake. You're not trying to prove yourself, and this is not connecting. Real connecting looks like: "You talk. They talk. You talk." And it's best to focus more on asking questions and being a good listener than making it all about you.
Some people might mistakenly brag or name drop, but neither of these will be effective in creating a bond.
4. "What do you want in a relationship?" Turning the first date into a fact finding mission so you can see if they match your list is heavy and not the right level for connecting.
You can assume your date wants what you do, but it will remain to be seen whether you want it with each other.
Let the time together stay light and fun to see if you connect. Enjoying each other comes first. You will see soon enough if the two of you want to continue or not.
5. "My ex was a real gold digger. It's made me cautious about who I let in." I would avoid talking about your past. When you do, you drag it into the present moment, which is not fair to your date.
I once had a client who was so locked into past mistakes that she judged each date through the cloudy lens of fear rather than understanding her point of attraction had shifted. She had to learn to trust that she would get different results now that she had changed. Instead of worrying what she would do if another guy proved unavailable, she had to learn to imagine the man in front of her was available and would not behave the way ex-flames had.
That was huge learning for her, and it led to her current happy marriage. Relying on old data and past patterns when you have changed will mess up your dating life until you quit doing it.
DO THIS INSTEAD! Instead of low vibe communication, keep things on a high flying level by seeing your date as someone sacred and enjoying him in the here & now.
Have fun! Laugh. Be light. Save the serious stuff for later. And you'll get to a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date until you've got a date for life!
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My video series "Is Tinder Evil?" continues with two you don't want to miss.
They tell you how to avoid the ugly parts and harness the amazing power of dating apps to connect with the love of your life.
Yes, it's possible!
Is Tinder Evil? The Ugly
How to avoid catfishing and the yuckiest part of online and app dating
Is Tinder Evil? How to USE IT BEST
These are the secrets on how to use Tinder and other dating apps to find the love of your life
Do SUBSCRIBE to my Youtube Channel to get more in this series. You can do so at the top right corner of the videos.
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Happy almost Halloween!
I hope you'll use this week to plot some fun for yourself. It's one of the most enjoyable times of the year.
One great way to find out what is going on is to sign up for Evenbrite and then connect it with your facebook account. It will tell you where friends are going and some good events in your area.
You worry you'll get dumped or deemed not worthy of the person you want. This will hold you up and demoralize you, too.
THE TRUTH: You're just looking for that One Person who is hottest to you and would never, could never, reject you. There is no rejection, just the wrong fit. Conducting your love life trying to avoid "rejection" will slow you down, so we need to get rid of this notion.
Example: One person I worked with was paralyzed by fear of rejection after having a couple of painful dating situations. We had to put all of her past behind her and she went forward with a new determination to not be cowed by seeming rejection. After a couple of wrong fits, she quickly found her guy, and they are now engaged.
You worry about being made a fool of or appearing like a loser in dating.
THE TRUTH: This fear is based on caring what others think, which can't work out. We can't control what others think of us, and therefore, it just can't matter. You just need to go for it with little heed about whether you're playing "the fool" or not. The real fools are those who get so bowed down worrying what others think that they don't live life fully.
Example: When I recently taught in London, I co-taught with at 26 year old love teacher whose message was to let loose. His message had everyone acting silly and having fun. It was great to watch reserved people opening up, and since the event, one quiet gal has already found someone serious to date. She finally gave herself permission to open up.
Losing someone you care about
We all experience loss in our lives, and for some, they become paralyzed by fear of yet another good-bye.
THE TRUTH: We need to get used to letting go and moving on, because there will be many farewells in our life's journey. That's why learning to release is so critical. It really frees you up. It's almost impossible to find love when we remain fear-based. We need to remember there is always more love.
Example: one widow I worked with was scared to love again because she knew how painful it is to lose someone. And yet she was lonely and wanted romance in her life. We had to grieve and do some releasing. Then, we turned her focus to enjoying the present moment, flirting, playing and just having fun. She realized that yes, loss may happen again, but she could release and still enjoy life. She is now seriously dating a widower, and they travel together frequently.
You're scared to open your heart for fear it will be crushed. You don't like the powerless feeling of caring about someone else and being unsure if that affection is returned.
THE TRUTH: You can't find love while being closed. Vulnerability is in the eye of the beholder. It is a magnetic state to be in because it is open and available. Some of the things you may have deemed vulnerable are, in fact, quite powerful, moreso than trying to guard your heart with all sorts of defenses against being hurt. This fear is a major delay to love.
Example: a man I worked with felt that being open and friendly was being too vulnerable. He didn't understand that being closed made him more vulnerable to disappointment anyway. We had to work on seeing that him reaching out to women was not in any way vulnerable, but instead, the only path to the love he wanted. With baby steps, he changed his beliefs about reaching out to women he found appealing. He learned to connect without fear and is now a newlywed.
That you're left out of love
I've had people sob when they confess to me this deep dark fear that everyone gets love except for them. They secretly suspect that somehow they're penalized in life and do not get this that they want so very much in their lives.
THE TRUTH: Around 95% of the folks I work with have this fear. And it is needless. God would never put this desire in your heart for love if you did not get it. Your longing for love is what will propel you into the arms of your soulmate.
Example: One 52 year old I worked who had never been married broke down crying when she confessed to me she was sure she would never have love. It had gotten to the point that she couldn't be happy for friends who found love nor could she attend weddings. We had to have the faith that love was on its way for her. She learned to embrace the love she saw around her and shopped for what she wanted in her own relationship and wedding. It changed the way she looked at weddings so that she would think of the flowers she wanted in her own nuptials, how she wanted her own vows. She could be happy for her friends, knowing she would be next. And she was! Shortly after her healing on this subject, she met a man who swept her off her feet. They had a whirlwind romance and were married within the year. She finally got her happily ever after!
So, that's the last of our Top 10 Love Fears. Anything that delays love is fear-based. By tackling these fears, and replacing them with the opposite of fear -- faith -- love can't help but come.
I'm sending you love & support!
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In honor of Halloween approaching, it's a perfect time to get SCARY!
In that spirit, below find the first 5 of the top 10 Love Fears -- and what to do about them.
I'll post the final 5 next week to round it out.
Top 10 Love Fears
What blocks so many people from finding love? Fear
Below are the first 5 of The 10 Greatest Fears that can keep love for you.
You've missed the boat.
You worry that it's too late for you to find love, that maybe the one that got away was your last chance for love or that you're doing something fatally wrong that has doomed you forever.
THE TRUTH: Until you meet someone with whom it never end, you have not yet found your soulmate, so you need to keep going. You have every hope for love and have not missed the boat. You get infinite do-overs until you get it right.
That there is something wrong with you.
95% of the people who come to my work fear that there is something wrong with them, that they have a Fatal Flaw. If this is you, you've blown up some minor thing into a huge repulsive nightmare that will send potential loves screaming from the room.
THE TRUTH: You are perfect right now. There is nothing wrong with you. Your soulmate will find things other loves thought were flaws -- cute. It won't bother them and will endear them to you.
You're too old, too overweight, too sick, too depressed, too anything for love.
Whenever someone is blocked in love, there's usually some limited belief knocking around in their head about their chances for love. They fear that love has passed them by if they're over some arbitrary age they deem is past the age for love. Or they think they have to lose lots of weight to be loved. Or they worry no one could love them because of some physical condition.
THE TRUTH: Love knows no boundaries like this. Lots of senior citizens find love -- especially in this work. And plenty of overweight folks, people with illness or physical conditions do, too. Your soulmate wants you for YOU. (S)he doesn't care about anything you belief dooms you in the love department.
This is similar to Fear 8. You worry that something about you is so awful you're unlovable. Maybe your temper. Or your disposition. Or you don't think you are sexy enough. Or attractive enough. Usually anyone with this fear was criticized as a child. It's a self-esteem issue and is just not true.
THE TRUTH: You are lovable as you are now. Your soulmate will find you completely lovable and remind you over and over again of that fact. To expedite your One's journey into your arms, practice loving yourself more and seeing why you are lovable (you are!)
Not ever finding love
People with this fear usually have been looking for love for a while with no success. They're ready to give up and worry they'll never find love. They're extrapolating past experience into the future, concluding love is just not in the cards for them.
THE TRUTH: If you want love, you get it. You got this desire for your soulmate put into your heart to propel you into his or her arms. God would never dangle something in front of you only to taunt you with it and never give it to you. You get this! We just need to work on opening you up on it and finding the hope to keep on moving forward.
I'll post a blog with the remaining Top 10 love fears: the even more scary FIVE. So stay tuned. I will also disclose the ultimate antidote to fear!
[to hear an audio version of this Q & A, click here: http://iTeleseminar.com/74619435]
Q: Kathryn, I've been doing your "Date for Your Soulmate" Course and it's working! I'm starting to connect with more hot men, but I've hit a snag.
Part of the course talks about flirting, and I just cannot do it. I was raised to believe that women who flirt are sluts, and it just feels wrong. I'll feel like a bad person, a hussy, and I can't do it. Even if I try as little as a wink, I freeze up.
A proper woman doesn't act that way, and I need to ask you if I really have to flirt to find love. I don't want to impede my progress. But this is beyond what I can deal with.
A: Wow, that's a lot, and I'm so very glad that you wrote about this flirting block, because we need to address it. Here are a few points to help you out:
1. I adore the term slut-shaming because it negates the notion that women are either madonnas or whores. There is nothing wrong with having a sexual side and using it when you're connecting. We all have many complicated sides, and it's okay to be sexual. To judge women (and not men -- such a double standard!) for being too flirty is just wrong and can inhibit a woman's ability to be who she is.
2. The definition of flirting is a mild sexual energy in communicating. It's a terrific aid to turning a person's head who you are interested in.
3. Flirting ensures you won't be friend-zoned. It also opens up your 2nd chakra. If you've had a long, dry spell, you may in danger of shutting down, and this can prevent love from coming along.
4. Even if you don't want to flirt with anyone else, you definitely want to be flirting with your soulmate.
5. It helps to practice flirting to be in practice when a hot person (most likely to be your soulmate) comes along.
6. Everyone -- even the shyest amongst us -- has a flirting style. It varies wildly, as you are seeing in the course where I talk about all the styles and how to find yours.
I hope this explanation can help flirting seem less scary or prohibitive for you.
The course you're doing has helped so many people open to love! If you're going to do it, don't skip parts of it. The process can't work as well.
I bless you for getting over this hump. It will open a whole new world to you.
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