I have to admit that Step 3 of gaining confidence can be downright SCARY
If you have ever choked in the moment, sabotaged yourself or crumpled into feeling paralyzed, you need this step!

Step 3 is to start acting differently, expanding yourself into those places that have stymied you in the past

This can take some work

And to be honest, this is where hand-holding or having an effective process to lean into makes all of the difference

Situational self-esteem issues are the toughest to overcome

Let’s say you’re faced with dealing with a person who intimidates you

You feel this person is beyond you – whether it’s your boss or an attractive person you’d like to connect with

The reason that any person or situation is daunting is because you’re not up to speed with it

What works to keep you from choking again in a pivotal moment?

It's to prepave and to practice

This is something I often do with those I work with, and it has produced amazing results

Preparing well for such an occurrence can help

And then stepping out to tackle this place where you choke is crucial

Prepave for people and situations that have been hard for you, and then tackle them

One woman who went through this program could not imagine a hot guy she liked actually returning her interest

She really choked when faced with someone attractive to her

She also felt that everyone at work was more important than her and subsisted on a barely living wage

I had to laugh at how much resistance came up for her when she decided to change things (deciding to change only happened when she spent a whole weekend eating ice cream and crying over her wreck of a life until she got fed up and vowed to do something differently)

Her reaction to undergoing the changes? She got sick: LOL!

Then, she procrastinated and binge watched a whole series rather than take any steps

And she would get so very nervous when thinking about stepping out of her comfort zone

But the magic of the Self-Esteem Kit -- that undeniable process -- started working on her

It led her through baby steps that were easy to do and not super scary

Until she was operating in a different place -- and began thinking of herself differently

Suddenly things started to go her way

And she actually got inspired at how well it was going. At that point, she quit putting things off and dove in with both feet

She used the biggest secret of that process (hint: it involved donning a new avatar of who you are and it is POWERFUL) to attract a guy who previously would have felt was out of her league

And she flat out quit the lowly job and started applying for positions that had felt out of reach

It all culminated in an elopement with the hot guy (she still pinches herself that she has a husband that she can't quit staring at) and a job that makes more money and gives her a level of respect that she has finally gotten used to

Just as we saw with her, dealing with self-esteem issues in motion is quite powerful, and will change your life for good

This practice involves actually raising your setpoint – what you’re comfortable with and the level you’re operating on – and all kinds of resistance will come up (that's exactly how your fear will paralyze you and keep you from actually getting what you want)

In-the-moment self-esteem boosting is the only way to handle these pockets of low confidence effectively

When I’ve worked with folks on self-esteem issues, Step 2 is CRITICAL

But here's some REALLY good news!

It's the easiest step to take

Some of the steps take you out of your comfort zone

They can be TERRIFYING

This step is NOT SCARY

But that doesn't mean it's always easy

Research backs up the fact that this step -- done well -- is quite effective to make you feel better about yourself

And start attracting the things you want

It's more powerful than working on your trauma or taking any outside action, believe it or not

You can take this step in a measured way that really works . . . . even if you feel that you’ve never had any confidence

At first it can feel a bit forced. But as someone goes through the process I've developed of building themselves up, momentum takes hold and things happen quickly

HOMEWORK: to start on this step, choose one of the below activities to do NOW or asap

  • List all of your positive traits
  • Pamper yourself and put yourself first in the next day
  • Start cataloging your successes
This is a good start

However, to really master this step -- which research shows makes a measurable difference in how you feel about yourself -- three elements must be used or else it won't create the effect that you're looking for

What happens is that people typically only include one or two elements, but never the full three

This 'Trifecta' behind how we do this is an absolute MUST

That's why so many are unable to this step into an easy tool of attraction

They don't know how to use it

Once you understand The Trifecta, this step is your best secret weapon

However, keep in mind that there are common ways of doing this wrong that actually cause more harm than you think

Habits of thinking poorly of yourself can be pervasive and stubborn

I've gotten very good at helping folks snap out of it, even if they've spent most of their life feeling like a loser and consequently, getting treated that way

Once you learn The Trifecta, things can go FAST

A Story

• When one customer went through the Self-Esteem Kit and learned The Trifecta, she finally GOT IT

• That day, she finally got the courage to break up with a guy she’d been seeing (more like friends with benefits) who had constantly disrespected her

She used to kowtow to him far too much

The next day, she accepted a date with a guy at work she had begun flirting with she dove into the material

She had had a crush on him but was scared to even look at him until she did The Trifecta

As her confidence soared, all of a sudden she not only looked her office crush in the eye but made a connection

And took it to the flirting level, which he was surprisingly (to her) receptive to

Even while she was still with the old "boyfriend", her office crush had started asking her out

Even pursuing her

So that made it easier for her to finally break up with the friends-with-benefits guy and say YES to the crush

Her crush valued her in a way she had to get used to, and now the two are hot-and-heavy

Once you begin making these changes, things go pretty quickly in an upward direction

But you do have to do them in a measured and steady way to affect real change

And you do need to know the details about The Trifecta and do the steps well

I hope you’ll seriously vow to tackle your self-esteem issues and gain the confidence you deserve

This is the PRIMARY issue that holds most people back from getting the love they want, the money they should be making and anything else they've wanted in their lives

I'll send you one more confidence step, Step 3, soon

But here's a WARNING - it's the terrifying step :)

Once you tackle your self-image, things get good in a hurry!

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here


Q: Kathryn, hi there! The class you did on self-esteem really resonated with me

I often feel so unworthy of anything I want

I often sabotage myself by doing or saying the wrong thing

Or sometimes not doing something I know I should do

I cannot imagine anyone would be interested in me either

Or why anyone would want to hire or promote me

While I want to change, I just don't quite know how

And meanwhile, I'm in a lot of pain over it and tend toward depression

What can I do?

A: I'm so sorry you are going through this, bless your heart!

- And I want to remind you that you are precious, sacred and deserving of everything you want

Even when you don't know it yourself

- You didn't get this way on your way on your own

- Someone taught you that you were not much, but that doesn't make it true

So here's a good first step to quitting self-sabotaging behaviors

Step 1: eradicate ways you sabotage yourself

Often you don’t even know you shoot yourself in the foot. This step alone makes a marked difference in your life

HOMEWORK: make a list of ways you undermine yourself and also unkind thoughts you have about yourself. Once we pinpoint how you're self-sabotaging, it's easier to get detailed in changing those behaviors and the thoughts that lead to them

For example, I worked with one person to eradicate her negative self-talk

She would call herself “stupid” several times a day. 

Soon, she began dating not one but two attractive guys who would have intimidated her in the past

With another client, we pinpointed how he undermined himself with self-defeating behavior 

Examples: He would drag his feet about doing work assignments, scared he would do them badly. And he groveled with the gal he was dating rather than exuding the energy that of course, she would love him, because he is worthy

He didn’t even know he was doing this to himself!

As we got rid of this pattern, he was able to get a good promotion for the first time in his life and he sealed the deal with the woman he was dating. 

They're now married

In my next blog, I’ll continue with Step 2 to gaining the confidence you deserve

I bless you for walking in the knowledge of how valuable you are. That is a game-changer!

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here:

I want to tell you the story about a woman I worked with recently and how we turned her around

Let’s call her Nora

Nora came to me at age 47. She is around 5’5”

She thought of herself as ordinary

She dresses for comfort over fashion or trying to be sexy, had never been married and was very shy and soft-spoken

One coach she spoke with wanted to make her over

But she felt so uncomfortable with starting to show some cleavage and trying to be something she was not

So she was super glad to find me since I teach about the power in accepting who you are and owning it

Her looks and attire easily make her go unnoticed

And that had been her experience up until the time we began working together

She was also worried about her age

She’d been so busy with her career that she did not concentrate on finding love and never thought much about trying to doll up

Rather than change anything about how she looked, we concentrated on a technique that studies show over and over again is highly effective in changing results

It is the most powerful modality in therapy

And by reprogramming her in this way, she started seeing results within days that were different

She practiced while waiting in line for coffee or in the elevator at work

Nora was shocked at what happened

And in fact, she had to get used to the effects this new technique was having

She used what she was learning to get a tall, handsome guy at the supermarket to stop his shopping and carry on a 20 minute conversation with her

He was well-dressed in a suit, looked like he was on a break from a high-powered job and yet he put everything on hold to chat her up

It was like she set a spell on him

He was looking and talking to her like she was the only one in the room.

He insisted on getting her number so he could text her

He made a date with Nora that weekend

She kept using this technique she learned and could not believe when attending a party that Friday night how many guys buzzed around her

Nora had never had this phenomenon before

She gave her number to one guy at that party, too

She dated both the party guy and the tall business man from the grocery for a few weeks after

She also saw even more handsome guys being attracted to her using this new technique

But she really liked the tall businessman the most

And he is crazy about her!

The upshot is that now she is in a committed relationship with her “supermarket guy” as we jokingly called him

He has given her jewelry, sent her flowers and cannot get enough of her

It’s the first time in her life that she has had this happen

So what did Nora learn?

She learned the most powerful tool you can use without changing anything about yourself

And I taught her how to correctly and powerfully use this tool

Most people who have been frustrated at love do not know this tool

They think they have to change the way they look or act to get and keep someone hot

Because that's what we're taught by everyone

It's not true

As soon as you learn this tool, you also will have a different result

It’s no wonder this man kept talking to Nora and couldn't stop

I guarantee, if you use this tool, you'll have anyone you want wrapped around your finger, too

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here:


QKathryn, I have a pretty good job but don’t do that well at it. I do feel underpaid

Image result for clerkAnd the fact that I don’t have love really distracts me. Instead of concentrating on work, I find myself emotionally caretaking just to calm down, looking online for guys and being unfocused

Are these two related? Is there something that keeps me from really achieving at work AND not having love?

I’m just wondering because it seems like I never get what I want. And I can get pretty down about it

A: Yes! Job and love can for sure be related, and I’m sorry you’re getting down

We can fix this

I remember a time when I had nothing – neither love nor money nor a good job

And it seems like they all got better at the same time.
As a late bloomer, I found Jon, my husband when I was 41. Then, I got pregnant and signed a book deal on the same day. And ended up taking a 10 month old on 25 city book tour with me!

It was a crazy, busy wonderful time in which it felt like every single thing I wanted happened at once

So here’s what I suggest:

1) Let’s find hope again instead of getting depressed knowing that a couple of changes can make it all happen at once

2) One red flag you mentioned was that you feel underpaid

That’s a sign of an issue we need to address. The root cause is probably the same reason that love also is not coming

3) Chin up, though, because at least you do have a job, and as you find love, you will be in such a good mood that work can go better than ever

I worked with one woman, Sue, who was in a similar position as you. She had a job in which she felt she was a doormat and was so lonely that she had little energy to put into making things better at work

She was pretty paralyzed and after our intake, we had to make a core change on an issue that was negatively affecting every area of her life

As we tackled this issue, everything changed for her pretty quickly

Image result for traveling coupleThe upshot is the best relationship of her life. She is now married to a wonderfully charming man, and they are ecstatic together

And happily, she quit her job in which she had felt so undervalued and disrespected. She got a higher-paying part-time job and has spent the rest of her time traveling and adventuring with her love, who is quite successful

Sue has never looked back!

Much love & support – chin up, you have every hope for what you want: ALL of it

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here:


Q: Kathryn, I feel so frustrated with my life

I don’t have anything that I want and I really don’t know how to get it

I have not dated in a couple of years, and no matter what I try, I can’t seem to find anyone remotely interesting

And I hate my job but I can’t afford to quit it either

Money is not that great just to top things off

Do you think the Zen philosophy is right? Just to quit trying to get things and be happy now no matter what?

I don’t think I’m going to get anything I want. I’m about to give up

It seems easier to quit wanting anything than to long for things I don’t have

I’m in between but not getting anywhere. This is purgatory!

I’m frustrated, depressed and not in a good place

What can I do?

A: I’m so sorry to hear you’ve gotten to this point, and am sending you SO much love for seeing better days

And no I don’t think you need to give up

I feel for you and have so much compassion for the pain you're in

I totally agree with the zen philosophy of being happy

now. We should be

But our nature is one of expansion, and therefore, of course we want more and should get it

The worst hell of all is wanting something but believing you cannot have it

And that seems to be where you are right now

For some, it is easier just to opt out

And go the Zen way that you’re talking about, just accepting whatever life throws at you

Abandoning hope feels better than FRUSTRATED hope

But as you may know, I teach that you can have any- and everything that you want

This is what I’ve done in my life and help others to do

• I come from the premise that you can have ANYTHING YOU WANT

• This approach has worked for thousands because it is based in faith

• If you want it, you get it. Our desires are put into us by the Divine because we GET them

• When you run into something that is proving difficult for you to manifest, it is due to lack of belief that you can actually have it

• A very simple change can start bringing what you want very quickly

• It is a joy to do so, and the journey, the wanting, the anticipation become absolutely delicious – rather than frustrating

 • If hell is frustrated wanting . . . then heaven is hopeful wanting -- believing you CAN have it (faith)

• The wanting becomes anticipation, and making it happen is the ride of your life!

• Please know that if there is something you want, then you CAN have it

• It’s just a matter of regaining faith about it and moving forward into creating it

• I support you in finding renewed hope and going for what you want

• It’s closer than you think

I’ll help you furnish that missing piece that will make all of the difference in what you’re able to manifest

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Q: Kathryn, I have never had a good relationship
When I look back, I'm appalled at what I used to put up with

Having done some of your work, I've realized how little I settled for

Clearly, I was 3rd string with the last guy, who came and went pretty freely until I finally got a clue and ended it
He was so flaky with me 

And before that, my boyfriend of three years was emotionally abusive.

Kathryn, how can I break this pattern once and for all? I'm scared to date for fear I'll end up with another painful situation.

A: I'm proud of you for the realizations you have had

It will be so much easier for you to lose your patterns now that you've seen them and are setting higher standards for yourself 

Awareness is the first step to healing 

For a longstanding pattern, deeper work can be necessary

We need to do an interrupt in the status quo -- in your thinking, in your emotional patterns, in your standards and even boundaries -- to ensure you are creating something different in your love life

As you change things, you go into a powerful attractant mode for your soulmate

There are several ways to do this:

1. Do a release any time you feel yourself being drawn toward old attractions that have disrespected you or put you on their backburner. Or if you're getting red flags with someone you're connecting with

2. Replace the patterns you're releasing with something new -- even just the thought of a more mutual relationship full of respect and caring

3. Get some further help. Sometimes we have SUCH a blind spot that only a coach or counselor can help us beyond a stubborn relationship pattern

 I bless you for getting what you need into the healthy, full-on love that awaits you with your soulmate

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here

Q: Kathryn, I was just completely ignored by a guy I was introduced to by mutual friends who is very hot. They wanted to set me up with him, but he barely acknowledged me and then began talking to his buddies. He barely said good-bye when I left

I get this a lot in my life. My family ignores me, my boss ignores me, my co-workers often leave me out of conversations

Why am I just so unseen and unheard. I often feel invisible. This is so hard with dating especially. Is there anything I can do to feel more seen, especially by anyone I find attractive? Thanks in advance. I love your work!

A: I’m so so sorry to hear that you are having this experience

No doubt it harkens to something in your background where you were made to feel inferior in some way

When that happens, we carry it into adulthood and recreate situations in which we are overlooked

Luckily, there’s a fix to this that’s pretty easy

1. We have to change your script. A script is something we hand someone that shows them how to treat us

Studies show that we can be with someone for just a few seconds – or even see video or a photo – and tell a lot about who they are

People probably read you and dismiss you quite quickly

So we must change that energy you give off to say something quite different – that you’re important and desirable

2. Getting into the underpinnings of why you feel so overlooked is helpful but not as important as acting differently

When you begin to respect yourself more, you behave in a way that shows this

Modeling new behavior has proven very effective in getting different results

One woman I worked with applied my behavioral technique to have guys buzzing around her when she had felt invisible up to that point

It took less than an hour to get this result

3. We must supply you with something you seem to be lacking

It’s important, a lot of folks have it and when you put this piece in place, everything changes

I bless you for never being ignored again

You are important and deserve so much better