QKathryn, I have an issue with guys I'm intimidated by.

I can't approach them, can't hold a coherent discussion and feel they would never be interested in me

I think I heard you mention something about updating one time. Does that relate to my issue?

Can you help me overcome this? I feel like it gets in my way as far as finding my soulmate goes.

A: Updating is basically dating out of your league. I don't believe in it but many buy into this notion.

If you feel someone is scary to talk to because they're desirable to you, you may believe that they're somehow better than you. This is a false idea.

There ARE NO leagues, only human beings looking to connect.

The next time that you see someone you find attractive, here are some techniques to effectively connect with them.

1. Get rid of the idea that they're better than you or could reject you. They can't. There is no rejection, only the wrong fit.

2. Remember we're not all attracted to the same thing so there is probably a REASON that you're vibing with this person. Intend to explore what is there.

3. Shore up your energy so it 's not desperate, which is repellent. Remind yourself that you are special, a catch for your soulmate.

4. With no agenda other than connecting and keeping
in mind that you are worthy of ANYTHING, approach the person and look him in the eye. Smile and ask him something about himself. Remember he's just a human being like you and needs to connect.
If you are fearful of approaching someone you're actually drawn to, like many that I work with, you automatically count out the people most likely to be your soulmate. Make it a point to stretch into allowing connections with those you find attractive. If you believe in updating, then vow to be a master at it!

I'm blessing you for getting over this and finding your soulmate quickly -- it's entirely possible. Sending love & support your way!

Q: Kathryn, I have always settled in relationship and have never ever dated someone I could see marrying

One of my friends told me about your work in which you teach that being picky is good

What?! That's so opposite of what I've always been told

To be honest, I'm petrified of any guy who seems promising and they feel way out of my league

So what should I do? Should I TRY to date out of my league?

A: People have some strange ideas about love, and one stands out as the absolute worst one if you want to find the love of your life.

That is the concept of Dating Our of Your League (I call this UPDATING)

Almost every single I’ve worked with is occasionally intimidated by someone they find attractive. 

And yet, that person is the most likely to be their soulmate.

that you will have crackling chemistry with your One.

The good news is there is NO SUCH THING as updating. No one is out of your league. We are all equal.

But coming together with your soulmate can stress you out, if you (and this is common) buy into the idea of updating.

Folks who believe in updating (even unknowingly) will always think their soulmate is out of their league.

Why? Because this is the hottest person you’ve ever met.

The solution is to get rid of the updating concept and elevate yourself to a place where no one is out of reach for you.

I will write more about this in the coming weeks. I know it's a topic that needs addressing so stay turned for more

In the meantime, start thinking of yourself as more of a catch -- as worthy as any great guy you see

We need to work on this or else you are consigned to being continually disappointed in your love life

I bless you for knowing just how worthy you are of someone special to you!

Q: Kathryn, I did your course and now, I've finally met someone. It's scary because he's everything I've wanted. I find myself getting nervous, thinking that it's too perfect, maybe too good to be true?!

He's the one who voluntarily took his profile off matchmaking websites and wants to see me all the time. We text all day long. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Is this too good to be true? What can I do?! I'm just so scared that I'll blow it or he will go away. Please help!

A: Congrats! You've done this process well and now you're manifesting. This is what typically happens with people who do my work? Why?

Because when you find your soulmate, it's beyond what you've ever experienced and it can take some getting used to.

I have a client experiencing a similar situation now, and I'm having to do a lot of handholding with her to get her through her own jitters.

Here's what I suggest to navigate this fun, courtship period.

1. Don't cry soulmate yet. It's fine to be cautious and give it the time it deserves to relish and make sure it's the right guy. So far, so good, though, and congrats on that!

2. Do go slowly. If he's really your One, then he will

be willing to wait for you to proceed at your own pace. Besides, it's fun to draw out this stage.

3. Remember to not put all of your eggs in one basket until it's a very solid commitment that has lasted a while. Regardless of how this relationship ends up, it's a huge manifestation and big thumbs up that you're almost there.

4. Take this as a template. Get used to it going this well as your due. You're breaking new ground, and I'm proud of you.

5. Finally, your most important job right now is to get up to speed with having a hot guy be enthused about you. If you were up to speed with it, you would not have jitters. You'd enjoy it, and you'd take it as your due. So our most important task is for you to accept your good and get used to it.

In my private practice, getting people up to speed -- conforming to their good -- is a major step we take. When you get there, it can never be taken away from you, and you'll only go on into more and more of what you want.

Great job! I'm blessing you for going all the way into the soulmate love you want so much. You're doing quite well.

I'm sending you love & support!

Q: Kathryn, a friend recently introduced me to your lovely work, and it’s giving me hope for the first time in a long while

I’m a stressed-out, straight single mom just like you once were

And okay, I’m good at seeing the humor in things. So . . . the soulmate I came up as being perfect for me is {drumroll} . . . .

A gay millionaire in construction

LOL! Isn’t that horrible?! One of my best friends is gay, and honestly, he treats me the way I want my soulmate to.

I just want a dude to come fuss over me, be tidy, pay the bills and fix things up around the house.

I remember your story one time about the older

woman you helped who met a guy who showed up every weekend for dates with a toolbox to do repairs at her house – right off of her soulmate list.

And I sure don’t blame her for marrying him.

Could I have one of those, please?!

In all seriousness, my cup is so empty. I cannot think beyond someone coming to take away my stress. 

Can I attract my guy with this frame of mind? Am I shooting too low?

A: Girl, you are cracking me up!

I love your humor and some lucky guy is going to have fun with you for the rest of his life

Are you shooting too low? Well, if you’re straight and a gay guy is appealing right now (which I totally get in a way), you’d be settling, right? Not really shooting too low, but this is not a fit. And yes, I know you were joking. Sorta

In short, you are in a needy place that’s not the best place to attract what you want

This is something we can fix, though! Here’s how I would coach someone like you:

1. Work on receiving – let’s work on not trying to do it all alone. Even right now, I guarantee you there is help beyond what you’ve been letting in. We must start filling up your cup so you don’t feel so stressed & needy

2. Start saying NO better and doing less. I’ll bet there are a lot of things you think that you should do that are optional. And often, I find stressed-out people are bad with boundaries. It’s hard to decline things people ask of you. If there was ever anyone who needs to do less and receive more, that is you

3. Have your child do more. He’s in 5th grade! Your boy is old enough to help out. I find that many parents these days think of themselves as “employees” of their child, and it produces spoiled children with bad attitudes

Tell him he’s a member of the household, must contribute and you need him. Think of a few things he can do weekly to pitch in and take some weight off of your shoulders. He’ll start feeling proud about it, and you will get a break, too

4. Go for the “pie in the sky” (it’s not really that). Let’s imagine you could have a STRAIGHT millionaire who’s good around the house or can simply hire a handyman. I don’t believe in settling, and everyone I’ve worked with who has found love did not settle

They got their dream person. And you can, too

I’m sending you SO much love for having it all, for replenishing yourself and finding that perfect partner who makes you feel cared for

You deserve that, and as you know, I have a soft spot for single moms

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here

Q: Kathryn, I'm just starting to date a guy, and he has been making some sexual innuendos from the beginning

On date #3 last week, he asked me if I knew the "3 date rule" when I didn't want to get hot-and-heavy


I'm supposed to have sex with someone if we get to 3 dates?! That freaks me out. I like him but this is scaring me

Is it true? Is there a 3 date rule?!

I'm more conservative than that and need more time to warm up and make sure this is where I want to go

Is it wrong of me to want a commitment before getting that close?

A: Sadly, I"m sure the "3 date rule" was invented by some horny person looking for a booty call to help their odds of getting in someone's pants (probably without much serious intent there either)

But rest assured, there is no "3 date rule"

There's not a "48 hour rule" either -- that you have to wait to get in touch with someone after you get their info

 There are no rules at all. Each of us has to date in a style that suits us. So, if you are conservative, then you can absolutely wait until you're in a committed relationship (or even married) before going that far

 Anyone who pulls a rule out to try & coerce you into doing something you're not feeling is showing themselves in that moment. The true agenda comes out

 If  you like him and if he is your One, then he'll wait and honor you. If he still pushes, I would eliminate him and know that someone who respects you and will honor your timing lies ahead. He'll be worth holding out for!

 No one -- certainly not you -- is desperate enough to compromise on something like this

 You will not get what you want if you do give in. And you will be upset and feel let down in the end

If you are doing my work, then you are already engaging in a magnetization process that will not fail you

Have some patience and you will meet your One and the timing will unfold perfectly


For one woman I worked with -- who had felt taken advantage of time and time again -- the key to her love success was to lay in boundaries

This woman had SO much heartache from giving herself away and then getting put on the back burner

She had felt so disrespected and CHEAP

She had to hold herself in higher esteem and learn to say NO

I also reminded her that any guy really into her would be willing to wait

As the work opened her up to  love, she met the most attractive man she had ever dated

And sure enough, he started pushing her to have sex
In this case, it was because he was so into her. He had such passion for her, it was really hard to wait

But she stuck to her guns and made him wait for several months

He was willing to do it and actually respected her more for not compromising herself

They got engaged shortly after, and are now married

Learning to honor herself more finally got her the love she wanted

QKathryn, what advice would you give someone who absolutely feels they have been hurt so badly that they no longer can feel their heart, there are no emotions, no compassion…nothing, but yet, and still, they want LOVE!!  How would a person like that find their way back to their heart?

A: Great question, and I have to admit you are not the first person who has asked me something similar especially lately

Bless your heart for having gone through this hurt. I'm sorry you had to endure that!

But I have good news . . . you have EVERY hope for love. Here are some keys to finding love despite it all

1) Find anything you can love: a pet, a small child, a hobby, work, a relative. Opening your heart back up is easier if you approach it sideways -- in an area not as 'threatening' as romance.

2) We need to change the focus here. I would do some release first and vow that your past does not have to predict your future, so you will not dwell on it any longer

3) Now, let's refocus. We can do that in a number of ways. I call this the "replace step" after you've released, and it is essential so you don't shut back down.

First, look around for happy couples and promising singles who are good and not toxic. This helps remind you that not every relationship is hurtful. Then, imagine yourself with someone who would never hurt a hair on your head -- your soulmate

If you can gently nudge yourself into a kinder, gentler idea of love, it will raise your point of attraction, you will bring on the love of your life, and your heart will come out to play, never to be hurt again

I had one coaching client who had been emotionally
battered beyond belief. I walked her through the above steps in depth, and I'm happy to report she recently got engaged. The enchanting world she is living in now bears so little resemblance to the agony of her previous hurtful relationships that she often has to pinch herself to make sure it's real

That's what I want for you, too!

Q: Kathryn, I did your dating program, and it seemed to work. I began dating a very attractive man who has everything I've wanted, and it was going along swimmingly.

I got scared, and I have to admit I did a push-pull. I would get the jitters and pull away and then get clingy after having to apologize.

This has gone on for three months, and he is drifting away. He used to call or text almost daily, and now, I haven't heard from him in almost a week.

Was this behavior repulsive? Did I blow it? What can I do now?

A: My answer is that if this man is the right one, you can't blow it with him. It's retrievable.

But yes, push-pull behavior is absolutely repulsive. You might as well put your hand on his chest and push him away. Desperation and anxiety are repellents.

If I were working with you privately, we would need to tackle this pattern of behavior and get rid of it. I have no doubt it's why you've had trouble finding love. Here is an alternative approach.

Be aware that you have this pattern of getting scared when you get close to someone. And vow to handle it internally -- within yourself -- rather than acting it out with your date.

Stop the worst of it right away. Sit on your hands rather than do a "pre-emptive strike" like breaking up before he breaks up with you or writing a Dr. John letter because you're sure he's about to end it.

Learn self-soothing. This is a real key to going from dating into commitment. Working it out with yourself rather than exhibiting very "off" behavior with a love interest is a MUST. How? I use various protocols such as meditation, focus wheels and pivoting in my private work and courses.

Look for anything that can center you when you have fear coming up.

Rehabbing the Relationship

You can still retrieve this relationship if you do the opposite of what you've been doing. Do a "partial release" -- something I give to private clients and that you can emulate by letting go of him at least enough to not be calling or thinking of him all the time. Focus elsewhere for now.

When he calls, don't put all of your anxiety on him. He's not responsible for your issues. Even when you're married, you can't lay that all on your spouse. Instead, be happy to hear from him and look for the connection you two shared at the beginning.

If he's the One, it will work out, especially if you can practice partial release and interacting in a cleaner fashion.

But if not, don't worry. Your One will be even better than him -- more attractive, more willing to go forward. But learning this lesson now -- of self-soothing and dating in faith rather than fear -- will serve you well going forward

I'm sending you my love & support!

Q: Kathryn, I've done so many things to welcome in love. I don't know what my problem is but I must be doing something wrong, because I'm still waiting. And waiting.

I have been on so many dates (not great ones) and go to a lot of parties. But I never meet anyone interesting.

I just want to shout "Where is my soulmate?!" It is very hard for me to relax and have any faith at all.

Do you have suggestions about what I can do? I'm just at a loss and ready to give up.

A: This is a common problem I deal with when clients are not manifesting easily.

Here are some thoughts:

1. Impatience is a sign that you’ve tried to make something happen before doing the inner work.

When you are soulmate-ready, you don’t experience impatience
2. Waste of Time As my work emphasizes, spending time magnetizing love from the inside ensures you’re not just spinning your wheels taking fruitless action

3. Stay Home! Remember I’m the only dating coach who says “you don’t have to get out there” and “if you don’t get out much, (s)he’ll have a wreck in y our yard.” That’s because if you are laying the groundwork internally, you may not have to take a single action for love to show up for you. It’s why my bestselling book is called Love Will FIND YOU

And it’s why we have so many love stories from this work that involve meeting your soulmate while staying home. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to make every single event. Better to stay home & do a Soul
4. Only a Dab of Patience I often extol the virtue of patience in finding love

But you shouldn’t need that much patience. If you are not manifesting right away, you may have a block or delay. Common delays are cynicism, hanging on to someone from your past, self-esteem issues, lack of faith, a bad pattern or tendency to settle. All of these delays can be easily, even instantly overcome. 
5. Instant Manifestation Once you pinpoint your delay, it’s much easier to release it. As you do, you will find love knocking at your door, seemingly out of the blue

Love can happen SUPER FAST once you plug into that

Q: Kathryn, I got one of your courses, did the work and it was amazing how fast I connected with a guy right out of my dreams. He's everything I want.

We have been going hot and heavy for a few months, but all of a sudden he has been pulling back. We still see each other, but he is not calling every day any more. Our dates are more sporadic, and it just feels awful. It feels like he is losing interest.

Should I just give up on him? What is going on and is there anything I can do about it?

A: I'm sorry you are going through this, but it's not that unusual. In every budding romance, there can be some pulling back from both sides.

Why? Because freedom is a deeper need than love, and every one of us needs to know that we can be free when we need to. He could be testing you or just ensuring that this is right.

Do you need to give up? No, not yet. First, I would try a protocol I use on people to give space.

At this moment, it can feel like you should cling on to him, but we want to do the opposite - give him room. Here's how:

1. Do some release work internally, so you're not allowing yourself to think of him so much. Take most of your eggs out of his basket.

2. Pull back externally, too, allowing him some room rather than going clingy. Don't text, don't email, don't call but wait for him to contact you just to give him room. Keep your exchanges brief. Let him do most of the "heavy lifting" here. As anyone who has done my release work knows too well, weird stuff happens when you let go. Inevitably, you hear from the person you're releasing.

3. Focus elsewhere. Get busy with other things in your life. And give other people a chance, too. Be open to other dates, flirt when you get the chance and take the pressure off of the relationship.

Remember you get love no matter what. It may not be him, but it's someone better if not. If it IS him, you'll give him the space to realize that and reassure him you are not going to choke his freedom.

For anyone reading this who is in a relationship, holding on loosely is the best policy. It means you have faith in the relationship.

I'm sending you love & support.

I have to admit that Step 3 of gaining confidence can be downright SCARY
If you have ever choked in the moment, sabotaged yourself or crumpled into feeling paralyzed, you need this step!

Step 3 is to start acting differently, expanding yourself into those places that have stymied you in the past

This can take some work

And to be honest, this is where hand-holding or having an effective process to lean into makes all of the difference

Situational self-esteem issues are the toughest to overcome

Let’s say you’re faced with dealing with a person who intimidates you

You feel this person is beyond you – whether it’s your boss or an attractive person you’d like to connect with

The reason that any person or situation is daunting is because you’re not up to speed with it

What works to keep you from choking again in a pivotal moment?

It's to prepave and to practice

This is something I often do with those I work with, and it has produced amazing results

Preparing well for such an occurrence can help

And then stepping out to tackle this place where you choke is crucial

Prepave for people and situations that have been hard for you, and then tackle them

One woman who went through this program could not imagine a hot guy she liked actually returning her interest

She really choked when faced with someone attractive to her

She also felt that everyone at work was more important than her and subsisted on a barely living wage

I had to laugh at how much resistance came up for her when she decided to change things (deciding to change only happened when she spent a whole weekend eating ice cream and crying over her wreck of a life until she got fed up and vowed to do something differently)

Her reaction to undergoing the changes? She got sick: LOL!

Then, she procrastinated and binge watched a whole series rather than take any steps

And she would get so very nervous when thinking about stepping out of her comfort zone

But the magic of the Self-Esteem Kit -- that undeniable process -- started working on her

It led her through baby steps that were easy to do and not super scary

Until she was operating in a different place -- and began thinking of herself differently

Suddenly things started to go her way

And she actually got inspired at how well it was going. At that point, she quit putting things off and dove in with both feet

She used the biggest secret of that process (hint: it involved donning a new avatar of who you are and it is POWERFUL) to attract a guy who previously would have felt was out of her league

And she flat out quit the lowly job and started applying for positions that had felt out of reach

It all culminated in an elopement with the hot guy (she still pinches herself that she has a husband that she can't quit staring at) and a job that makes more money and gives her a level of respect that she has finally gotten used to

Just as we saw with her, dealing with self-esteem issues in motion is quite powerful, and will change your life for good

This practice involves actually raising your setpoint – what you’re comfortable with and the level you’re operating on – and all kinds of resistance will come up (that's exactly how your fear will paralyze you and keep you from actually getting what you want)

In-the-moment self-esteem boosting is the only way to handle these pockets of low confidence effectively

When I’ve worked with folks on self-esteem issues, Step 2 is CRITICAL

But here's some REALLY good news!

It's the easiest step to take

Some of the steps take you out of your comfort zone

They can be TERRIFYING

This step is NOT SCARY

But that doesn't mean it's always easy

Research backs up the fact that this step -- done well -- is quite effective to make you feel better about yourself

And start attracting the things you want

It's more powerful than working on your trauma or taking any outside action, believe it or not

You can take this step in a measured way that really works . . . . even if you feel that you’ve never had any confidence

At first it can feel a bit forced. But as someone goes through the process I've developed of building themselves up, momentum takes hold and things happen quickly

HOMEWORK: to start on this step, choose one of the below activities to do NOW or asap

  • List all of your positive traits
  • Pamper yourself and put yourself first in the next day
  • Start cataloging your successes
This is a good start

However, to really master this step -- which research shows makes a measurable difference in how you feel about yourself -- three elements must be used or else it won't create the effect that you're looking for

What happens is that people typically only include one or two elements, but never the full three

This 'Trifecta' behind how we do this is an absolute MUST

That's why so many are unable to this step into an easy tool of attraction

They don't know how to use it

Once you understand The Trifecta, this step is your best secret weapon

However, keep in mind that there are common ways of doing this wrong that actually cause more harm than you think

Habits of thinking poorly of yourself can be pervasive and stubborn

I've gotten very good at helping folks snap out of it, even if they've spent most of their life feeling like a loser and consequently, getting treated that way

Once you learn The Trifecta, things can go FAST

A Story

• When one customer went through the Self-Esteem Kit and learned The Trifecta, she finally GOT IT

• That day, she finally got the courage to break up with a guy she’d been seeing (more like friends with benefits) who had constantly disrespected her

She used to kowtow to him far too much

The next day, she accepted a date with a guy at work she had begun flirting with she dove into the material

She had had a crush on him but was scared to even look at him until she did The Trifecta

As her confidence soared, all of a sudden she not only looked her office crush in the eye but made a connection

And took it to the flirting level, which he was surprisingly (to her) receptive to

Even while she was still with the old "boyfriend", her office crush had started asking her out

Even pursuing her

So that made it easier for her to finally break up with the friends-with-benefits guy and say YES to the crush

Her crush valued her in a way she had to get used to, and now the two are hot-and-heavy

Once you begin making these changes, things go pretty quickly in an upward direction

But you do have to do them in a measured and steady way to affect real change

And you do need to know the details about The Trifecta and do the steps well

I hope you’ll seriously vow to tackle your self-esteem issues and gain the confidence you deserve

This is the PRIMARY issue that holds most people back from getting the love they want, the money they should be making and anything else they've wanted in their lives

I'll send you one more confidence step, Step 3, soon

But here's a WARNING - it's the terrifying step :)

Once you tackle your self-image, things get good in a hurry!