Q: Kathryn, I got one of your courses, did the work and it was amazing how fast I connected with a guy right out of my dreams. He's everything I want.

We have been going hot and heavy for a few months, but all of a sudden he has been pulling back. We still see each other, but he is not calling every day any more. Our dates are more sporadic, and it just feels awful. It feels like he is losing interest.

Should I just give up on him? What is going on and is there anything I can do about it?

A: I'm sorry you are going through this, but it's not that unusual. In every budding romance, there can be some pulling back from both sides.

Why? Because freedom is a deeper need than love, and every one of us needs to know that we can be free when we need to. He could be testing you or just ensuring that this is right.

Do you need to give up? No, not yet. First, I would try a protocol I use on people to give space.

At this moment, it can feel like you should cling on to him, but we want to do the opposite - give him room. Here's how:

1. Do some release work internally, so you're not allowing yourself to think of him so much. Take most of your eggs out of his basket.

2. Pull back externally, too, allowing him some room rather than going clingy. Don't text, don't email, don't call but wait for him to contact you just to give him room. Keep your exchanges brief. Let him do most of the "heavy lifting" here. As anyone who has done my release work knows too well, weird stuff happens when you let go. Inevitably, you hear from the person you're releasing.

3. Focus elsewhere. Get busy with other things in your life. And give other people a chance, too. Be open to other dates, flirt when you get the chance and take the pressure off of the relationship.

Remember you get love no matter what. It may not be him, but it's someone better if not. If it IS him, you'll give him the space to realize that and reassure him you are not going to choke his freedom.

For anyone reading this who is in a relationship, holding on loosely is the best policy. It means you have faith in the relationship.

I'm sending you love & support.

I have to admit that Step 3 of gaining confidence can be downright SCARY
If you have ever choked in the moment, sabotaged yourself or crumpled into feeling paralyzed, you need this step!

Step 3 is to start acting differently, expanding yourself into those places that have stymied you in the past

This can take some work

And to be honest, this is where hand-holding or having an effective process to lean into makes all of the difference

Situational self-esteem issues are the toughest to overcome

Let’s say you’re faced with dealing with a person who intimidates you

You feel this person is beyond you – whether it’s your boss or an attractive person you’d like to connect with

The reason that any person or situation is daunting is because you’re not up to speed with it

What works to keep you from choking again in a pivotal moment?

It's to prepave and to practice

This is something I often do with those I work with, and it has produced amazing results

Preparing well for such an occurrence can help

And then stepping out to tackle this place where you choke is crucial

Prepave for people and situations that have been hard for you, and then tackle them

One woman who went through this program could not imagine a hot guy she liked actually returning her interest

She really choked when faced with someone attractive to her

She also felt that everyone at work was more important than her and subsisted on a barely living wage

I had to laugh at how much resistance came up for her when she decided to change things (deciding to change only happened when she spent a whole weekend eating ice cream and crying over her wreck of a life until she got fed up and vowed to do something differently)

Her reaction to undergoing the changes? She got sick: LOL!

Then, she procrastinated and binge watched a whole series rather than take any steps

And she would get so very nervous when thinking about stepping out of her comfort zone

But the magic of the Self-Esteem Kit -- that undeniable process -- started working on her

It led her through baby steps that were easy to do and not super scary

Until she was operating in a different place -- and began thinking of herself differently

Suddenly things started to go her way

And she actually got inspired at how well it was going. At that point, she quit putting things off and dove in with both feet

She used the biggest secret of that process (hint: it involved donning a new avatar of who you are and it is POWERFUL) to attract a guy who previously would have felt was out of her league

And she flat out quit the lowly job and started applying for positions that had felt out of reach

It all culminated in an elopement with the hot guy (she still pinches herself that she has a husband that she can't quit staring at) and a job that makes more money and gives her a level of respect that she has finally gotten used to

Just as we saw with her, dealing with self-esteem issues in motion is quite powerful, and will change your life for good

This practice involves actually raising your setpoint – what you’re comfortable with and the level you’re operating on – and all kinds of resistance will come up (that's exactly how your fear will paralyze you and keep you from actually getting what you want)

In-the-moment self-esteem boosting is the only way to handle these pockets of low confidence effectively

When I’ve worked with folks on self-esteem issues, Step 2 is CRITICAL

But here's some REALLY good news!

It's the easiest step to take

Some of the steps take you out of your comfort zone

They can be TERRIFYING

This step is NOT SCARY

But that doesn't mean it's always easy

Research backs up the fact that this step -- done well -- is quite effective to make you feel better about yourself

And start attracting the things you want

It's more powerful than working on your trauma or taking any outside action, believe it or not

You can take this step in a measured way that really works . . . . even if you feel that you’ve never had any confidence

At first it can feel a bit forced. But as someone goes through the process I've developed of building themselves up, momentum takes hold and things happen quickly

HOMEWORK: to start on this step, choose one of the below activities to do NOW or asap

  • List all of your positive traits
  • Pamper yourself and put yourself first in the next day
  • Start cataloging your successes
This is a good start

However, to really master this step -- which research shows makes a measurable difference in how you feel about yourself -- three elements must be used or else it won't create the effect that you're looking for

What happens is that people typically only include one or two elements, but never the full three

This 'Trifecta' behind how we do this is an absolute MUST

That's why so many are unable to this step into an easy tool of attraction

They don't know how to use it

Once you understand The Trifecta, this step is your best secret weapon

However, keep in mind that there are common ways of doing this wrong that actually cause more harm than you think

Habits of thinking poorly of yourself can be pervasive and stubborn

I've gotten very good at helping folks snap out of it, even if they've spent most of their life feeling like a loser and consequently, getting treated that way

Once you learn The Trifecta, things can go FAST

A Story

• When one customer went through the Self-Esteem Kit and learned The Trifecta, she finally GOT IT

• That day, she finally got the courage to break up with a guy she’d been seeing (more like friends with benefits) who had constantly disrespected her

She used to kowtow to him far too much

The next day, she accepted a date with a guy at work she had begun flirting with she dove into the material

She had had a crush on him but was scared to even look at him until she did The Trifecta

As her confidence soared, all of a sudden she not only looked her office crush in the eye but made a connection

And took it to the flirting level, which he was surprisingly (to her) receptive to

Even while she was still with the old "boyfriend", her office crush had started asking her out

Even pursuing her

So that made it easier for her to finally break up with the friends-with-benefits guy and say YES to the crush

Her crush valued her in a way she had to get used to, and now the two are hot-and-heavy

Once you begin making these changes, things go pretty quickly in an upward direction

But you do have to do them in a measured and steady way to affect real change

And you do need to know the details about The Trifecta and do the steps well

I hope you’ll seriously vow to tackle your self-esteem issues and gain the confidence you deserve

This is the PRIMARY issue that holds most people back from getting the love they want, the money they should be making and anything else they've wanted in their lives

I'll send you one more confidence step, Step 3, soon

But here's a WARNING - it's the terrifying step :)

Once you tackle your self-image, things get good in a hurry!

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here


Q: Kathryn, hi there! The class you did on self-esteem really resonated with me

I often feel so unworthy of anything I want

I often sabotage myself by doing or saying the wrong thing

Or sometimes not doing something I know I should do

I cannot imagine anyone would be interested in me either

Or why anyone would want to hire or promote me

While I want to change, I just don't quite know how

And meanwhile, I'm in a lot of pain over it and tend toward depression

What can I do?

A: I'm so sorry you are going through this, bless your heart!

- And I want to remind you that you are precious, sacred and deserving of everything you want

Even when you don't know it yourself

- You didn't get this way on your way on your own

- Someone taught you that you were not much, but that doesn't make it true

So here's a good first step to quitting self-sabotaging behaviors

Step 1: eradicate ways you sabotage yourself

Often you don’t even know you shoot yourself in the foot. This step alone makes a marked difference in your life

HOMEWORK: make a list of ways you undermine yourself and also unkind thoughts you have about yourself. Once we pinpoint how you're self-sabotaging, it's easier to get detailed in changing those behaviors and the thoughts that lead to them

For example, I worked with one person to eradicate her negative self-talk

She would call herself “stupid” several times a day. 

Soon, she began dating not one but two attractive guys who would have intimidated her in the past

With another client, we pinpointed how he undermined himself with self-defeating behavior 

Examples: He would drag his feet about doing work assignments, scared he would do them badly. And he groveled with the gal he was dating rather than exuding the energy that of course, she would love him, because he is worthy

He didn’t even know he was doing this to himself!

As we got rid of this pattern, he was able to get a good promotion for the first time in his life and he sealed the deal with the woman he was dating. 

They're now married

In my next blog, I’ll continue with Step 2 to gaining the confidence you deserve

I bless you for walking in the knowledge of how valuable you are. That is a game-changer!