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Don't Believe Me, Just Watch!

Q: Kathryn, it is super hard to stay positive when all my friends keep shooting down my hopes for love. They're just so negative. And say my prospects are slim.

They get mad that I won't settle. And think I shouldn't hope for much.

How can I deal with this? So far, I get discouraged more and more of the time.

A: Let me tell you a story that will help.

Edie is one of my coaches and first discovered my work going through a divorce.

She was not exactly a spring chicken and was very fearful about finding love.

She did not want to grow old alone and yet her experience of love had been hurtful so she was scared about recreating that.

Friends and family told her to set her bar low, that at her age, she couldn't expect much.

This unthinking words made her even more fearful. After her painful divorce, she did not want to go through any more.

This is not uncommon.

When you're single, every fear that you won't find love or will have to settle will come up.

When I was single, I remember some of the hurtful things people told me:

"At your age, don't expect a good looking guy."

"All guys are having sex. You'll never find someone who is not involved, do don't even expect it."

I remember having to distance myself from one negative friend. It was just too hard when I was already feeling so vulnerable.

Edie went through the same gauntlet of naysaying and doubt.

It's something she and I had to overcome.

She healed from her past, and became strong, increasingly immune to her own fears and the negativity of others.

So to answer your question, the best way to deal with naysayers is the following:

1) Become increasingly immune to others who are negative

2) Keep hope in your heart and be careful about who you share your dreams with

3) Stay hopeful. Keep the faith

4) Do work that will back you up and fight against the deluge of naysaying you may encounter

5) Don't settle but keep your standard high

6) Build yourself up and remember you are a catch.

Edie and I worked on this together, and then, she met John. Not only is he an educated, handsome man but he is kind and adores her.

After dating for about a year, he proposed on Christmas Eve. In her 60s, Edie has experienced more romance than she could ever have dreamed of.
The newly married Edie & John

At their wedding, John thanked me several times for my support of him and their relationship.

He is truly in love with Edie and feels like he won the jackpot. She does, too. Everyone at the wedding was moved by their love.

At the reception, we all laughed when the song "Uptown Funk" was played. The chorus says:

"Don't believe me, just watch"

It was Edie's victory dance -- that despite the naysaying, she triumphed and got what she wanted.

I hope you'll vow to dance that same dance of triumph at your own wedding. You can!

All it takes it developing your faith that yes, you, too, can find love. Add to that ignoring the naysayers and doing some opening to love.

And you, too, will be singing "Don't believe me, just watch!" at your own nuptials.

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Q: Kathryn, Why is it so easy for me in other areas but so hard in love?

I have a great career that I'm proud of. I have tons of friends, am close with my family and even head up a volunteer effort. But I cannot seem to find my guy, and love has always been hard for me.

Why is this and what can I do about it?

A: There are a couple of reasons this might be so.

1) Other areas like job are linear. Logical. An easy-to-see progression.

2) Secondary goals will have less resistance, but with a big goal, you will smack up into ALL of your resistance. The key is getting around it. But it's valuable because you can really move if you face your blocks head-on. How?

When I work with someone on an issue like this, we'll assess where the wall is

It depends on the nature of your past relationships and even your childhood
Once we pinpoint the blocks, we can put together a protocol to move forward. Some blocks might be sheer resistance. Others may come up as you interact with likely prospects
It really helps that you have success templates in other areas. That can be put to good use

Here's an example of a woman that I helped.
During intake, "Sue" admitted she had never had a successful relationship.
The longest one she'd had was 4 months, and it just fizzled after a while. He quit calling.
Sue was very head-centered, and like you, she had a very good career.
She tended to connect with men in work mode, not from her heart. And there was some past trauma thrown in there that added extra resistance.
We put in a protocol of:
- becoming more heart-centered when outside of work
- scheduled free, fun time
- worked on flirting and laughing and just enjoying herself
- Sue had to learn to create emotional bonding, too

But the upshot is the most lasting relationship of her life. She is engaged to a wonderfully charming man, and they are moving in together.

Yes, the things we want the most can seem elusive, but with some work at dissolving the resistance, they can still happen and happen quickly.

I bless you for finding your way through your own resistance.