Love repellent #4 is what can make a date go bad without your knowing it

The date goes nicely but then they never call again

You don't know what you did wrong

But he did kiss you at the end of the date

And promised to call

But why didn't he?!


What are you doing that make the date pull away?

It's not picking up and returning BIDS

- What is a BID?

- Anytime someone opens up to you, they are very vulnerable

- Each communication feels like a risk to them

- They need to feel you are with them

- So if they lob a BID your way, and you react negatively -- even if you think it's a valid argument or healthy debate -- they start pulling away

- There's a subtle bonding process that begins the minute you meet -- maybe even sooner if you're online dating

- It's important to do everything you can to let this person know they are safe and understood with you

- And it's critical to know what will bond you and what will push them away

- I have long seen that many people simply don't know HOW they're pushing people away

- And once they learn how to bond, they quickly find love


You have to learn when you're getting a bid and what to do with it

And further, it's one key to creating a bond

Here is the antidote:

1. Start noticing when folks are putting a bid out to you, particularly on a date

2. Respond positively. Don't negate what they just said, don't be luke warm but instead be supportive, warm and interested

3. When someone negates a BID -- let's say you argue, or say NO -- your date feels subtly rejected

Even when it's something silly like you not trying a bite of their food or asking them not to lean against your recently painted wall.

It creates a distance between you

4. Dates are no time to argue politics, religion or any subject. They're a time for bonding and creating a connection, particularly if you like your date!

5. To create a positive BID, you can use everything we've been discussing so far in the Love Repellent Series - be warm, ask follow-up questions and look them in the eyes

6. We need to add to this by also being positive, supportive and saying YES as much as we can (not to sex if you're not feeling it, that's another subject and related to Boundaries, and ascertaining interest. We'll get there soon)


I worked with a high powered litigation attorney a few years ago

She grew up in an argumentative family of strong-willed independent people

(There's nothing wrong with being empowered in that way)

She was well-versed in debate

And did not even realize how often she negated people's bids

She said NO so often to colleagues invitations to lunches, dinners and having a quick drink, they quit asking her

She went on a date when we first start working together, and by probing, I found out she did the following on that date:

- got into a heated discussion about an proposition on the upcoming election ballot

- refused the date's offer of a sip of his signature cocktail

- did not take up his BID of mentioning his family (she could have asked more details to indicate interest)

- fairly abruptly announced she had to go when the clock struck 10

And she liked this guy!!!

She did not even realize how often she negated people's bids

In her family growing up, no one knew or cared about bids

And her willingness to argue and be abrasive actually serves her well in her field

But she was unable to turn this tendency off in order to bond to someone she actually wanted to be close to!!

This client had had a LOT of first dates and very few second ones, no surprise

And she tended to be lonely with few friends

So we worked on returning BIDS better

I forbade even NEUTRAL BIDS (those where you are polite but cold or not engaging)

I asked her to return BIDS with a positive response to everyone for a period of time

She was SHOCKED at her instinct to shut folks down
She never even knew she was doing it

But as she gave new responses, the outcome was so positive she got in practice better

And then she ran into the guy who never called again on the street (the one she liked)

After all of our practice, she naturally reached out to him, giving her own very positive bid

He looked surprised, but said "hello"

She then apologized for coming across as cold on their date, saying she had had a bad day

They ended up having a long discussion on the street, which led to drinks and dinner

THIS TIME, they did bond!

The two are now engaged, planning a wedding this fall

Learning Love Repellent #4 and course correcting proved just the ticket for this happy client


This week, start noticing when people are lobbing BIDS your way

Practice giving POSITIVE BIDS as much as you can

Notice the response to BIDS you give out, and don't take it personally if someone doesn't respond in kind

They may not know about BIDS, and suffer for it
(There is no rejection, there is just the wrong fit)

As you get into practice, you can use BIDS to bond more quickly so you get the second, third, fourth dates and beyond

You can even use this knowledge at work and with friends for very good results

Stay tuned for the Love Repellent #5 in next blog.

This repellent is big reason you don't attract who you want. Once you learn it, you will be treated very differently in the best way possible

Learning will make all of the difference in your ability to get to the second, third, fourth dates and beyond

Love repellent #3 can make you and your soulmate be like ships passing in the night

You don't see each otherdon't connect and it's left for another time and place to come together


What is this failure to connect that will repel love?

It's not looking in people's eyes

- I have been astounded at how many people avoid looking into others' eyes

- Especially if it's someone they find hot (most likely to be your soulmate)

- If you don't connect or actively avoid it, it's impossible to meet your soulmate

- The first thing we learn in my ABC Connecting formula is how to properly look someone in the eye

- One shy student I trained in this technique can get anyone she wants to cross a crowded room to talk to her

- Learning to connect like you are looking into their soul is wildly powerful

- And if you don't know how to do this, you might as well hang a "not available" sign around your neck


How to look in someone's eyes magnetically?

Here is the antidote:

1. Start practicing way before you meet someone interesting. Look into the eyes of the grocery checker, your pregnant co-worker and anyone else you encounter

2. Practice looking into their eyes and really seeing them for just a few seconds

3. Did you ever wonder how babies know to look at you right in your eyes? And so does your dog!

4. If you're sitting at a traffic light, isn't it weird that you look at the driver in the next lane, they will feel your gaze, turn their head and look at who is staring at them?!

5. Looking at someone is powerful. You don't want to be creepy, but just a few seconds and people will treat you much differently

6. Try it starting TODAY so you are in practice when your love comes along


One super shy woman signed on as my client
This is the first thing we did -- learn to look in peoples' eyes, which was extremely hard for her
But she got good at it

She noticed she got more popular at work and was making more friends

This led to her being invited to a dinner party with a lot of show biz folks

One guy came in late, plopped himself in front of her and not looking up, start wolfing down food

When he glanced up for a second, she realized he is a pretty well-known celebrity

She almost froze, but remembered all of the work we had been doing

So rather than do nothing, she muttered "You have beautiful eyes," to him, half joking

He said, "really?!"

And she looked at him with the gaze we had been practicing, really looked into his eyes

"I looked into his eyes, and they WERE beautiful. They really were!! I felt I could see his soul in that moment, and I think he recognized me, too."

They chatted a while at the party, and she gave him her number before leaving to get some shuteye before work

Her phone rang at 4 a.m.

It was this celebrity, asking her to go out on a date that night

She said "yes". They went on the date, and have been together ever since

The two are now married!

And all of this came from her learning to

avoid Love Repellent #3

(This guy's friends were astounded. They never thought he'd settle down. But now the two have been married for quite a few years)


In the next day or two, start looking people right in the eye

Be interested in trying to see their soul for a moment

Yes, you may become super popular and need to learn boundaries

But you will be open and ensure that you don't miss your soulmate

Just a glance or two makes people feel seen
And it will open many doors for you including the one right into the arms of your soulmate

Stay tuned for the Love Repellent #4 in next week's email. This repellent will make you choke on a date like nothing else. It is one of the biggest revelations of all time to many now on my wall of weddings.

Learning will make all of the difference in your ability to get to the second, third, fourth dates and beyond

Love repellent #2 is something that far too many people have no clue they're doing

When I work with people, they do it almost unanimously without realizing it

And yet it is the key to connecting, to being sought after and even winning a bucket load of money


What is this wrongheaded behavior that will repel love?

It's making it all about you without even knowing it

-This is something you may not even realize you do

- Many people make the huge mistake of thinking that they must come across as dazzling and fascinating to attract anyone

- That is a very self-centered and wrongheaded notion

- Believe it or or not, when you become self-conscious, you are guilty of this, too

- When you get self-conscious, you're making it all about you when there is another person in front of you who needs to connect

- I literally have to train most of my students how to have an engaging conversation when faced with someone hot (most likely to be your soulmate)

- If you can do this differently, research shows that you will get 80% more second dates


So what can you do to be less self-centered and truly connect with someone you want to?

Here is the antidote:

1. Make sure your conversations go like this: you talk - they talk - you talk (no monologues allowed)

2. Worry more about being a good listener than how you come across. Shelf the self-consciousness as very self-centered. You don't have time for that!

3. Now here's the part that gets people 80% more second datesAsk follow-up questions. The simple act of listening well enough to really hear and then asking for more clarification will bond you to the point where your love interest must see you again

4. Why does this work so well? Research shows that our brains light up more when we talk about ourselves than when we are either having sex or eating. LOL!


A life coach that I hired won half a million dollars at age 24 by avoiding this repellent. He was a contestant on a major network's game show.

And he noticed that none of his fellow contestants asked him anything about his life. Ever! They fell into the trap of Repellent #2 probably without realizing it.

But this coach knew better than to fall into Repellent #2. Instead of making it all about him, this naturally quiet guy asked everyone about their lives back home and really listened, asking many follow-up questions.

He ended up getting the only unanimous vote in the history of the game to win half a million dollars. Plus he won another $50,000 by being voted the viewers' favorite, too.

All because he had bonded with his fellow contestants by really listening to them, something that no one else did.


In the next week, combine the homework from Repellent #1 (being warm in your voice and face -- hopefully, you're getting good at this!) with this new piece - ask follow-up questions, really listen and engage with other people

Quit making it about you but just be super interested in THEM. It will help you in love. People will be mysteriously drawn to you. And it can help in work or even in a game show :)

Stay tuned for the Love Repellent #3 in next week's email. Overcoming this one resulted in a romance for the ages ♥

Love repellent #1 is BIG - that's why we're starting with it

I'm teaching a Dating Mastermind right now, and my students talk a lot about being fearful of "risk." To them, risk means opening up, making a move toward someone

When people feel like opening up is RISKY, they shut down, often put on a mask and commit the very worse sin of all


What is that fatal sin that will repel love?

It's being cold and not engaging

-This is something you may not even realize you do

-Research shows when you feel something is at stake, you can go into a fear state

-A fear state makes you shut down, get jittery and tongue-tied without even knowing it

- It's easy to come across as COLD when you are fearful

-This will make a possible love interest pull back

-Supermodels often naturally exude a sense of "don't touch me" to repel folks they don't want to meet

-It can become so kneejerk that the repel the ones they might like, without even knowing it


So what can you do to ensure you're not falling into being cold & non-engaging?

(Research shows that most of us don't know we're even doing it -- though we have a vague sense of being "off-center")

Here is the antidote:
1. Work on learning to exude warmth

This takes practice and so it's something I work with people on before they connect with someone they find attractive

2. Talk to people like you would talk to your dog or a child that you love. Warmth is mainly expressed in your voice. Research finds that warmth in your voice is the greatest factor on how people judge you and if they open up to you or not

3. Warmth can also be expressed in what you say (something we'll talk about in the next email) and your body language

4. This bears out the research that shows most communication is non-verbal. We need to become more aware of this, and use it. I'm here to help with that!

5. This particular knowledge can help you in other perceived high-pressure situations like a job interview. If you use warmth, you're much more likely to be hired and will rule office politics, too


For the next 24 hours, make a conscious effort to be more warm in your interactions with others -- starting with your voice. Ask friends if you come across as warm or cold, and if they say "cold," this will be a critical step for you

Yes, it may feel like a risk, but it is far more risky to come across as cold

As you start seeing results, it will be much easier to keep this up and learn to use warmth to emotionally bond with whomever you want

Stay tuned for the Love Repellent #2, which I'll reveal in a subsequent blog♥

Q: Kathryn, I was in a relationship with someone that escalated in months from meeting him to wanting to live together! Our attraction was off of the charts and we couldn't get enough of each other, physically and
emotionally. After a few months, there was some miscommunication and fear on both of our parts over the intensity of the relationship and we split. I followed your protocol and released him, as painful as it was. He has come back to me constantly since then, saying all of the right things but not backing them up. Then he disappears again, and returns a few weeks later with the same song and dance. I have attempted to date other people, and have performed the release a 2nd time and still having the same push-pull affects with this man!  

I know there is a part of the release where we are to be sure to release from our sexual organs and not just our heart. How can I be sure that I'm doing that correctly, and should I try to release him again? I know after several attempts the release can not work as well, as you've stated in your books. 

I am at your mercy, Kathryn! I have to move on from
this man or be forced to stay in this plateau and not find my true happiness and love deserved of me. Thank you in advance for your reply!

A: I'm sure you're releasing correctly, but it sounds like there is part of you that doesn't want to let go. Release never works unless you really know you need to let go and are determined to do so. 

In this case, you still sound like you are at his beck and call. The minute he shows back up, you come running! That is not released.

• Anyone who blows hot and cold is categorized in my work as an EEL. They slip out of your grasp just when you think it's going well. Over and over again.

 This is one of the most addictive love situations there are. In a mouse-cheese experiment, the most addictive situation there was involved sporadic reward. The mice would hurt themselves to try & get the reward.

• Sporadic reward in love -- where the love interest shows up, seems interested only to disappear again -- is similarly addicting.

• When I work with a coaching client on this issue, I remind them that they are not a puppet on a string. They have free will, and rather than be frustrated for months or even years, they can choose to walk away -- even when the eel slithers back over for another go-round.

• Let's face it. This guy is not showing the kind of interest you would want. He can walk away easily. This is not soulmate material, and I want better for you.

 Rather than worry about doing the release well, let's worry about making it stick. The tools that I give you in the release work will ensure it sticks.

 The most important tool of all to make a release remain effective is to focus beyond this current guy.

 Imagine a guy who shows up and doesn't go anywhere -- one who is even sexier. One with whom you know you're not wasting time, but will go the distance.

• Doesn't that sound infinitely better than remaining hopeful for a guy who is not proving worthy?

• You can expect more for yourself. Many people hang onto the crumbs they're given out of fear there won't be more ahead. That is fear-based instead of exhibiting any faith whatsoever.

• Have faith and let's keep looking beyond this guy. You will forget he ever existed if you can go steadily forward and not look back.

• I promise you someone better lies ahead in your future. The first step towards him is getting rid of this eel.

I'm sending you love & support for really moving on this time!

Q: Kathryn, my boyfriend and I recently broke up, and he almost immediately got together with someone else. His new girlfriend seems so perfect: 20 pounds lighter than me, younger and very beautiful. He seems so happy, and I just don’t get it

He was not that nice when we broke up. How can someone who acted so badly get this happiness, and yet I’m still alone. It just doesn’t seem fair, and I have to admit I obsess about this far too much

I know you’ll tell me to do more releasing but why did he bounce back so quickly and get so much when I’m a good person who took so much crap from him and I’m the one suffering here?

Can you help me understand this?

A: This is a great question, and I’m so happy you wrote me

What you’re talking about is something that so many do

They cause themselves untold pain for no good reason

Why? Consider this:

 It’s pretty normal to go through a period of reckoning regarding your ex after a break-up
 And far too often, I hear someone like you obsessing over how happy your ex gets to be while you suffer
 THE SAD TRUTH: You don’t really know how well your ex is doing or not doing because you can’t get inside his head
 THE SADISTIC TRUTH: If you GOT OUT A BAT and started beating yourself, it would probably be less painful than what you are doing to yourself in your head
 I know that sounds dramatic but it’s excruciating to go over and over this telling yourself how pitiful you are and how gloriously happy he is
 Your ex dragged his problems with him. So it’s likely he’s not as happy as you think. Anyone that disconnected to behave in that way is not in a good enough place to be super happy – at least not for long

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

1. Every time you start obsessing over your ex again, catch yourself
2. Remind yourself that you don’t know how he is, and you will not get out that bat and start beating yourself with thoughts that are hurtful to you
3. Then, turn your thoughts to something more productive. Anything that will make you feel better – like dreaming of a soulmate that is so much better than he was to you
4. Here’s another truth: you have no idea how long your ex will last with this new woman, and you will pass him as you find your One, someone who is head & shoulders above what you have had so far
5. If we can keep your eyes on where you want to go rather than pulling out that bat, we can quickly magnetize the love of your life, and you’ll be far too happy in his arms to give another thought to your ex beyond thanking God it didn’t work out with him

If we can shift this, your soulmate will come to you and it will be a done deal

Q: Hi Kathryn. I’ve really enjoyed your work but I feel like I have a block to love that I’ll never get rid of. I’m in a high demand job with a great deal of stress. It drains me so much that I have no time left to deal with romance.

When I try to make time for socializing, I literally have fallen asleep at parties 

Even if I met someone, I don’t know how I’d fit him into my packed schedule. A relationship just seems like added demands on me

But I don’t want to end up alone. Is there any way I can find love with this life I have?

A: It sounds like a lot on you. But rest assured, you have every hope for love

What can we do about your situation? Make a few changes

 We need to work on your internal climate & beliefs before taking any action

 It’s an issue I often deal with in private coaching & coaching groups. The two prong approach is to work on internal issues and then secondarily, change what you’re doing when not working

 The first internal shift is to find a way to put work on autopilot. You can be doing the same things with far greater stress

 The second internal shift is to start changing beliefs. Many who overwork have confidence issues. They measure their value in how much work they can do and feel they have to prove their worthiness by working far too hard

• I would tackle any belief that is running your work life including any of the following
- I have to work hard or I’ll fail
- I have to prove my value
- Hard work is necessary to succeed
- I never have any time

All of these beliefs will act true until we shift them. And once you get rid of them, newer and much nicer beliefs will rule your life

Your life can become quite charmed as a result and love is not far behind

• As we get your internal climate to nicer place, then and only then would we find some fun things to do beyond work

• And I would suggest leaving work in the office once you embark on personal time which you’ll have a lot more of as we balance your life better

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

I hope this helps. I’ve helped many, many high flying careerists find balance and love. You can, too