Step #4 to date out of your league is interacting differently

In Steps 1 - 3, we worked on changing the way you're thinking and the energy you are exuding

In Step 4, we get into how to behave when you connect with someone you are intimidated by
This is the connection part

And I'm about to majorly SURPRISE YOU with how to behave, because it's different than you are thinking


STEP #4 TO DATING OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

So what is Step #4?

Interact equally

- You need to treat this person as an equal

- No longer should you be intimidated

- But don't think you have to be perfect

- Just connect in a way that bonds you

- And you're going to be very surprised by what this might include


HOW TO DO THIS

The losing thought is to feel this person is unattainable

In the first 3 steps to dating out of your league, we got you ready to interact

Now as you encounter the ones you think are out of your league  . .

 You need to see them as someone well within range for you

 Remember they're only human. They have their own insecurities

 And they will not even consider someone who feels less than them

 So when you see him, you need to remind yourself he is your equal

 He is in your range

 He is another human being looking for a connection

 Interact with that in mind


SPILLING THE COFFEE

Results of some pretty revealing research blew my mind & really confirm what I teach

The study involved applying for a job and the interview interaction

The results are startling and can eaily be applied to dating, too

Basically 3 candidates were sent into job interviews - 2 were the perfect candidate with good personalities and all the requirements and 1 was a great personality but less-than-perfect requirements

1 of the 2 perfect candidates was asked to spill coffee in their interview!

It sounds awkward and a slam dunk that the more coordinated perfect candidate would get the job offer
But no. The person who spilled the coffee got the job offer every time

Why is this? Because spilling the coffee humanized the job candidate to the interviewer

We want to use this same principle in interacting with someone you may deem out of your league

If you are vulnerable, even awkward, it's endearing. It humanizes you

All of this is to say that you don't have to be perfect, just relatable

I had a client who considered herself kind of plain.  She literally called herself "basic" which made me laugh

I did have to get her to think of herself differently

We also used her self-effacing charm to simply bond better

She ended up catching the eye of an eligible guy who she would usually have deemed way out of her league

He had women vying for him left and right

But my client's down-to-earth, even awkward charm, was what caught his attention

She met him as an equal, bonded well and owned her humanity

He asked her on a date, things went well and the two are now engaged


YOUR HOMEWORK

1. I want you to realize you don't have to be perfect to attract someone you have deemed out of your league. You just want to be approachable and human, even show some imperfections


2. Practice looking men in the eye and at least smiling -- as an equal. I know for some of my clients who have been intimidated by the hot, eligible ones, this in itself is big growth. Studies show that eye contact and smiling are very attractive and magnetic


3. In the old days, women used to drop their scarves to get a man to have to do something for them. Do you have to go that far? No, it's manipulative. But it's okay to be awkward or even clumsy. Just be YOU in all your humanity and know that's enough


4. Try to make any interaction = they talk - you talk - they talk. You don't want either side to have a monologue because that is not engaging either way

Step #3 to date out of your league is an attitude adjustment

In Steps 1 and 2, we worked on how you think of yourself, boosting your self-image and changing your script

In Step 3, we make a thought correction that will trip you up until it's dealt with

Deciding who is out of your league is very arbitrary

Ever saw a person who you were surprised to see with someone hot and desirable?

And had the thought "How did SHE get HIM?!"?
This is an example of incorrect thinking

You made a judgment call that he was too good for her

Deeming anyone out of your league is the same random categorization of someone as too good for you

We need to change this!


STEP #3 TO DATING OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE
So what is Step #3?

Think of the hot ones differently

- WARNING - if you do not take this step, then even if you get someone hot noticing you, it is impossible to keep him

- Here's the truth -- if you think of this hot person as someone out of your league

- If you are intimidated by him . . . attraction cannot flourish

- Before you exchange a single word, he is sensing your energy

- If you don't think of him as someone you could get, he will not notice you

- I'm about to show you how to create mindblowing attraction

- But you can't get out the gate if you've got him on a pedestal


HOW TO DO THIS

The losing thought is to feel this person is unattainable

In the first 2 steps to dating out of your league, we got you ready to interact

Now as you encounter the ones you think are out of your league  . .

 You need to see them as someone well within range for you

 Remember they're only human. They have their own insecurities

 And they will not even consider someone who feels less than them


 So when you see him, you need to remind yourself he is your equal

 He is in your range

 He is another human being looking for a connection


NO ONE COULD UNDERSTAND HOW SHE GOT HIM

One of my original Bootcamp clients was quite the socialite

But when it came to the hot, quality guys, she would get completely tongue-tied

So we did the steps that I'm teaching you in this series

She started seeing guys as in her league, seeing their humanity and vulnerability

This client also had a celebrity crush

She could not believe when she actually met this famous guy at a party her publicist friend took her to

She had been practicing what I taught her, and caught his eye

My client was taken aback for a moment, but then remembered to look at this celebrity as an equal

Her crush actually approached her and struck up a conversation

They dated for several months until she realized he was really self-centered

But turning the head of her long-time crush helped give her the confidence to meet her "person" shortly after, a guy who she never, ever could have talked to before

He would have intimidated her, and never would have noticed her until she took Step #3

The two are now long married with 3 children


YOUR HOMEWORK

1. Start looking at people you have thought were out of your league differently


2. Notice what you think of them, how your body feels, any nervousness and how high the pedestal is you're putting them on


3. Do an in-the-moment course correction to see them as equals, as someone who could use a connection -- like you


4. Concentrate on feeling worthy and do remind yourself that deeming them above you is WRONG


Once you do, here's the best part: You will truly get this.

You'll know how to have people notice you, chase you down.

We'll get rid of anything you have that is in the way of you coming together with your "person" -- even if he's someone you thought was out of your league


I have never seen anyone have more fun than those who learn how to attract love and never again have to chase or be rejected or have heartbreak ever again


The biggest problem those who learn this have is getting used to how good things get

Step #2 to date out of your league comes from a phenomenon I first noticed when teaching workshops and seeing private clients

In workshops, we did an exercise of looking into a person's eyes without saying a word

It was UNCANNY how much people could know about each other just from looking before a word was said

And in seeing private clients, I noticed some clients had such a strong energy, I could barely resist it

For example, one client was convinced she was a "bad girl" and exuded that energy so strongly, I was buying into it

Until I shook myself out of it

But if a trained mental health professional can almost fall prey to this energy, can you imagine how much the average person would buy into the what you think about yourself?!

What you think about yourself informs the energy you exude

Which in turn tells people exactly how to think about you and treat you


STEP #2 TO DATING OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

So what is Step #2?

Change Your Script

- A "script" is the energy we exude that tells others how to think of us and how to treat us

- Felt invisible? You probably have a script that says "ignore me"

- Attract unavailable guys? You have a script that says "I'll settle for crumbs"

- Keep getting victimized in love? You have a script that says "Kick me"

- I have a 5 step script changing process that works wonders

- In just a couple of hours, you can turn from an overlooked wall flower into a hot commodity


HOW TO DO THIS

My 5 step process is something I only teach those working with me -- it takes some guidance

But let me give you a couple of ways to start changing your script now

 We need to find the script you've got now. You can tell by how you're treated

 Then, we must get RID of your old limiting script

 And sub it with the script you want


SHE WENT FROM BRUTAL TO HAVING HIM BEGGING

At around the 10 minute mark in the "Attract the One You Want" free class, I described a client I worked with who was brutal with herself

Her script said "Kick me," and her love life reflected that

We did the 5 step script-changing process, and it changed everything

Suddenly, she was getting noticed, being honored and even sought after for the first time

She had her eye on a guy at church, and he start noticing her after we changed her script

They dated, and he ended up BEGGING HER to be his girlfriend

Changing your script is a powerful thing


YOUR HOMEWORK

1. Notice any pattern you have of being treated in a way you don't like. That will tell your script, and I would then let go of it


2. Think of how you WANT to be treated instead - that will be your new script


3. Practice taking your script out on a test run, exuding that different energy and notice how you are treated differently


Stay tuned for Step #3 of Dating Out of Your League next week. You'll learn the secret to having guys "out of your league" look at you like you're a mouth-watering dessert that they can't wait to sample

Step #1 to date "out of your league" is something you must know before you do anything else

Without it, you won't see anything different happen

Your love life will remain in limbo

And you will never attract anyone that you actually want


STEP #1 TO DATING OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

So what is Step #1?

Elevate Yourself (the B for Boost in my ABC Connecting System)

- Until you feel better about yourself, you cannot attract anyone you want

- If you feel crappy about yourself, everyone you would actually like is truly out of reach

- You won't feel good enough

- And they won't see you as good enough either

- THE DANGER - you may settle for someone you really don't want

- Because you don't think you can get who you want


HOW TO DO THIS

We need to get you being nicer to yourself

large body of research shows that self-compassion is the best way to elevate yourself

You need to feel good about who you are and what you deserve

We have to do some behavior modification

 We need to still any unkind ways you talk to yourself

 Learn to be easier on yourself

 And work on greater self-acceptance


SHE CAME TO ME MISERABLE

Joan had been with Rex for 3 years

She was bored by him but scared to death to break up

At 39, Joan was so fearful of ending up alone that she said YES to Rex even though she wasn't all that attracted


He seemed nice enough. They moved in together and had been a couple for 2 years when she came to me for help

Rex was not very exciting to her

In her opinion, they didn't have great chemistry

He didn't like to do much, didn't like to travel (which she loved) and their life together bored her

Joan found herself doing too much in the relationship -- all the laundry and grocery shopping, paying more of the bills

Joan regularly had crushes on guys at work, all of whom she felt would never give her the time of day

But she didn't have the courage to break up with Rex, scared to be alone

This is when she came to me

With me holding her hand, she ended the relationship, and we had to take Step #1 as well as a few other steps to start attracting guys supposedly out of her league

It was magic! She finally started feeling desirable and happier just out of being easier on herself

And one of her work crushes actually panned out. 

She connected with out of her new self-regard, and he responded

The two are now a super couple with sizzling chemistry, and this "out of her league" romance was just the thing for her

"I finally got what I've always wanted" she smiled.

Step #1 was a large part of the work we did together to bring the love she wanted to Joan


YOUR HOMEWORK

1. Start watching what you say to yourself. Get rid of any insults you tell yourself, and tell yourself some more positive things, acknowledging the good things you do


2. Quit giving so much! Lighten up your schedule, give yourself a break from being perfect, and just enjoy life more of the time


3. Make a list of why you are special to get a better sense of how valuable you are, at the same level as those who you thought were out of your league


Stay tuned for Step #2 for Dating Out of Your League next week. You will learn how to get anyone you want to treat you the way you want them to

It's magic!!

So many of you have written or mentioned to me the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last month

It’s given hope and inspiration to millions!

On the royal wedding day, I also had a new client say to me:

“I just can’t imagine after all I’ve been through that love could happen for me.”

With those words, she expressed one of the big things that can keep your own fairytale romance away

Believing you’re left out of love

I’d say 95% of the folks now on our Wall of Weddings had that fear – that somehow they were the one who couldn’t hope for their very own soulmate

And yet they got their person!

The very first chapter of my book Love Will Find You conveys the message:

“Believe he’s out there.”

He is

Having FAITH is very magnetic

And so if you’ve thought of love in the past day or two, let me reassure you that you DO GET IT

If you can have that hope and even belief, love will come very quickly to you

You never could be left out of something as magical as love

You are lovable and loved right now “as is”

Love is your birthright

Have a great rest of your week!

Love repellent #7 is what can end the honeymoon in a hurry

You got married! And then the dynamic shifts

You used to adore everything he said and everything he did

And suddenly you are nitpicking

Nothing he does is good enough

You constantly find fault


THE LOVE REPELLENT

So what is the love repellent here?

Developing contempt for your spouse

- Dr. John Gottman's research (revealed in Malcolm Gladwell's bestseller Blink) revealed a startling statistic

- By identifying one negative communication pattern, he became a predictor of divorce with great accuracy

- If the couple's communication contained disrespect that was at the level of contempt, . . .

. . . 90% of the time, the relationship would end in divorce

- Why?

- Because disrespect at that level is the most destructive pattern there is

- It's more than just criticism. Contempt is hostile and dismissive


- The target of contempt will feel unvalued and worthless

No one would marry someone they felt contempt for!

- So how does a marriage erode into this?!

- There's a pattern that lowers the relationship to this dire state

- The good news is that it is reversible

So what do you do differently?


THE ANTIDOTE


To save the relationship, we have to get you back up to Soulmate Level

This is how you felt when you first fell in love

What happens to get you to contempt?

You go from being in love, cherishing this person to finding fault at every turn

You may treat him with disrespect, even mock him or berate him
Why would you do this?

 It's a way of not getting too close in case you would get hurt

 It often mirrors a pattern you saw in your childhood

 It's a way to feel superior in the event you have confidence issues

 And it's often the product of having an assumption about the role of your spouse, what they should be doing that they then fall short of

 Some have a pattern of devaluing someone who would actually love them, akin to Groucho Marx's joke "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member"

People who display this negative communication get sick far more often with infectious disease

And it is the one pattern that almost ensures divorce


But no matter how bad it's gotten, you can heal this and save the marriage

Here is the antidote:

1. We need to shift the focus. Start looking for the things you appreciate in your partner

2. Interrupt the pattern by catching yourself when you're about to disrespect your spouse and let him off the hook

3. Have an honest talk with your mate about elevating the communication and apologize

4. Go deeper into your talk and admit that you're scared, that you had a bad example, that you don't know better

5. Display warmth and affection more regularly. Remember from Repellent #1, warmth is the characteristic that makes you most cherished

6. Have some fun together. Change the dynamic back to enjoyment


HE HAD FILED FOR DIVORCE

A married woman who came to me was at her wit's end

Her husband had filed for divorce

And he would not talk to her either. He had moved out and was only communicating through lawyers

She admitted the marriage had gotten bad after 6 years, but that she still loved him and wanted him back

When pressed, she disclosed that she treated him badly

-He never made enough money

-He was a clutter bug, hanging on to old albums, broken technology with piles all over their home

-He dressed like a slob

-He said stupid things at parties

Her list of his faults was a mile long

I asked her why she wanted him back if he was so horrible?

She looked at me funny, and said, "I love him!"
I asked her why she loved him

And it changed everything

She had a long list of how he is handsome, lovely, warm, endearing and sensitive

So what happened?!

Over the years, she quit focusing on how great it was to be with the one she loved

And put increasing focus on the mundane daily issues and how he was screwing up

The big revelation was that none of the nitpicky stuff mattered

What mattered was how much they had loved each other

(And as the mother of 4 boys plus a husband and a male dog, I had to lower her expectations on what to expect on the household front: LOL!)

It took a lot of pushing and going through the lawyer to get the two in a room together

My client poured her heart out, admitting she still loved him, apologizing and telling him she was wrong to have so much contempt for him

He agreed to give the marriage one more try

He still loved her but was just so beaten down

It took some work for her to not devolve into that same contempt pattern but with the steps we took, she was able to keep it at Soulmate Level

She had to show him how much she still loved him, and that she had changed

And they are more happy then ever!


Healing my client from Love Repellent #7 saved her marriage and allowed her to get closer than she has ever been to another human, something she admitted she was scared of due to childhood trauma


YOUR HOMEWORK

1. If you are in an eroding relationship now or have been in the past, we need to get you out of that pattern so it won't happen again. Write down any way that you contributed to the demise of your relationship now or in the past. Leave room after each one, and write down what you could have done better that would have been more constructive


2. When you find yourself going down the criticism path, stop yourself and instead, remember all of the ways you appreciate your partner. Put a hard line with yourself over going down the path of insulting, mocking or any expression of contempt. This should be unacceptable behavior!


3. Ask yourself "Do I have a pattern of contemptive behavior in my past?" If so, this is a warning that we need to guard against and learn a new respect for fellow human beings and for your mate especially. 

The easiest way to do so is to practice appreciation, respect and get more comfortable with being close


4. Make it a habit to often display warmth (the antidote to Repellent #1) especially to those you are close to. If we can make this your default mode of communication, the rewards will be immense, particularly in your marriage


5. If someone begins treating YOU with contempt, then address it with that person. If they continue, write it off as a divorce deadend and move on. You are worth more than this, and it won't end well anyway


So this is the last blog in my Love Repellent Series. I hope you've enjoyed the info, which comes from 18 years of helping people find and keep love and a huge wall of weddings to show for it. If you missed any of the series, catch my blog where the repellents are being reposted.