Q: Dear Kathryn, 

I am a fan of your work.

I'm a single woman in my early thirties and my track record with men has been disastrous.

The men I went out with abused me.

In spite of the abuse I received, I stayed because I thought being with someone was better than being alone (I've always had issues with abandonment.)

They ended up leaving me in the end. I was never loved. 

I discovered your work while surfing Amazon.com. Shortly thereafter, I met a guy who was completely different than my exes. He was attractive, kind, smart and treated me with decorum. I truly thought he was The One.

Then after two years of dating, he left me. Needless to say I was broken-hearted.

What went wrong for me? Am I destined to be alone? I fear opening again only to find a guy, who will leave me yet again.

A: I’m very proud of you that you’ve overcome settling for abusive guys. This is a huge step forward, and I know changing that pattern was not easy. To answer your question:

1) I call your experience a “soulmate benchmark.” It means that you had a breakthrough, and that counts. Even though it didn’t work out, rather than take it as another failure, I consider it a major step in the right direction, so keep going! You are unraveling years of a horrendous pattern, so it might take you a bit longer to get solid with a new one, but you’re doing super well.

2) Abandonment issues fly right out the window once you meet the love of your life, who will never abandon you.

3) Trying to avoid something (like future heartbreak) never works. It’s akin to the philosophy of not wanting anything, because then you won’t get disappointed. It’s best to have a vision of what you want instead and keep that in your heart.

4) You are NOT destined to be alone. The desires of our heart are put there by God, because we GET them. So, love is in your future, but you must consciously choose it. I really hope you will!

I would say 95% of those I work with have had a bad dating pattern that we transcended

And almost 100% secretly feared they would end up alone

0% -- NONE -- of them ended up alone in the end

Neither will you

• A recent client who got engaged spent 5 years as a single mom, and her longest relationship had been just 3 months

• She was sure she was unlucky in love and would never have it

• Plus she was ON HER KNEES with the weight of single motherhood plus her fears about love

• It was with great delight that we turned her around, got her more resilient with dating

• Yes, she weathered a couple of bumps in the road but met an amazing guy after 3 months, one far superior to any guy she'd ever dated

• This one stuck, and they are now getting married in a couple of months

• She is SO GLAD nothing ever worked out before, because she says she would never have been this happy with anyone else

So hang in there! You will have this, too. I affirm the best is yet to come!

Q: Kathryn, I've got a guy in my life who is totally frustrating. He comes on strong and then backs off. I'm quite addicted to him. But I fear he will never give me what I want. I seem to remember you talking about an eel, and I'd love it if you could give me some advice on what to do with this frustrating man.

A: You may not like my answer, but my question for you is how long do you want your life to be in limbo over this guy?!

• He will probably never give you what you want and deserve. Here's some more info on dealing with an eel.

• As you know, I often deal with people coming out of a divorce or breakup. Or those with an stubborn attachment to another person.

• Some of the worst cases of attachment I've seen come from people who got hooked by THE EEL.

• Definition of The Eel: someone who seems in your grasp, but then slithers away just when you thought it was going somewhere, only to reappear again as you give up hope. 

• This is akin to the mouse-cheese experiment so famous for explaining addictive attachment toward another person. The mouse would hurt itself when sporadically offered the cheese, whereas both the mouse who regularly got cheese and who never got cheese accepted the situation calmly.

• If you are being distracted by an eel, I invite you to adopt my rule concerning eels. Don't touch! Eels seem to somehow NEED to keep you dangling, and it can be terribly exciting playing this game, but it doesn’t produce a soulmate relationship. 

• My advice: recognize when you're swimming after an eel and change course. Yes, letting go of the hope will hurt, but every time someone swims in a different direction while doing my work, they end up finding their soulmate quickly. If you keep your eye on the love ahead waiting for you, it will make the release much easier. 

If you are in doubt about whether it can work out or not (and in most cases, you are simply in denial), I suggest this technique for seeing if this relationship is salvageable.

• When the suspected eel lets you down -- disappears, doesn’t call when (s)he says, suddenly wants to cool things down -- give him or her notice. You can do this playfully, s o it doesn’t become heavy, but draw a boundary here. “Flakes are just not my favorite cereal, if you get my drift. I’m liable to brunch elsewhere if it gets too flaky around here.” This takes back your power, while keeping it light. 

• Keep track with a three strike maximum limit. If eel-like behavior shows up three times, this is a trend. It’s too much to ignore. Unless you want to continue in a frustrating, uphill battle to make this person become reliable, I would bail at this point.

• Do some release work, and remind yourself that

your soulmate will leave no doubt that they want to be with you and they will be even hotter to you than the eel has been.

I bless you for moving on and being free to find REAL LOVE on the double. You just have to get past the pesky eel :)