Q: Kathryn, my boyfriend and I recently broke up, and he almost immediately got together with someone else. His new girlfriend seems so perfect: 20 pounds lighter than me, younger and very beautiful. He seems so happy, and I just don’t get it.

He was not that nice when we broke up. How can someone who acted so badly get this happiness, and yet I’m still alone. It just doesn’t seem fair, and I have to admit I obsess about this far too much.

I know you’ll tell me to do more releasing but why did he bounce back so quickly and get so much when I’m a good person who took so much crap from him and I’m the one suffering here?

Can you help me understand this?

A: This is a great question, and I’m so happy you wrote me.

What you’re talking about is something that so many do.

They cause themselves untold pain for no good reason.

Why? Consider this:

 It’s pretty normal to go through a period of reckoning regarding your ex after a break-up.

 And far too often, I hear someone like you obsessing over how happy your ex gets to be while you suffer.

 THE SAD TRUTH: You don’t really know how well your ex is doing or not doing because you can’t get inside his head.

 THE SADISTIC TRUTH: If you GOT OUT A BAT and started beating yourself, it would probably be less painful than what you are doing to yourself in your head.

 I know that sounds dramatic but it’s excruciating to go over and over this telling yourself how pitiful you are and how gloriously happy he is.

 Your ex dragged his problems with him. So it’s likely he’s not as happy as you think. Anyone that disconnected to behave in that way is not in a good enough place to be super happy – at least not for long.

So what can we do with this to get you where YOU’RE the happy one?

1. Every time you start obsessing over your ex again, catch yourself.

2. Remind yourself that you don’t know how he is, and you will not get out that bat and start beating yourself with thoughts that are hurtful to you.

3. Then, turn your thoughts to something more productive. Anything that will make you feel better – like dreaming of a soulmate that is so much better than he was to you.

4. Here’s another truth: you have no idea how long your ex will last with this new woman, and you will pass him as you find your One, someone who is head & shoulders above what you have had so far.

5. If we can keep your eyes on where you want to go rather than pulling out that bat, we can quickly magnetize the love of your life, and you’ll be far too happy in his arms to give another thought to your ex beyond thanking God it didn’t work out with him

If we can shift this, your soulmate will come to you and it will be a done deal.

I’m blessing you for the soulmate you so deserve. Let’s put away the bat and get on toward the happy life awaiting you as you let go.