If you’re despairing at being single over the holidays, take heart! It is very common for people to meet their soulmate somewhere along the year end festivities. Perhaps it’s the intensified longing that brings love or the many parties or reaching out that is done during the season. But if you undertake the upcoming days with the right attitude, you may be surprised at what happens. Some tips on making holiday magic happen:

1. Put connection first and foremost. Do everything you can to bring enjoyment to your holidays. This puts you in a magnetic frame of mind & you’ll have fun even if love doesn’t come along.

2. Plan well. Keep your energy positive by setting up some treats for yourself such as spending time with friends, a good novel or even avoiding things that bring you down. Learning to take care of your own happiness is key to attracting love, even if the activity doesn’t seem directly related to meeting someone.

3. Appreciate the Season’s Gifts. Maybe time with family brings up your stuff (& by all means, minimize it if you need to or schedule breaks from them), but there are many things about the holidays to appreciate. Time off from work. Festive occasions. Gifts to unwrap and to give. Revel in the break from routine in any way you can.

I have no doubt that many will be emailing me with their delightful holiday love stories, and I hope YOU’RE one of them!

Holiday Heartbreak

Going through the holidays shortly after a divorce, a breakup, heartbreak or even a death can cast a pall on them. But you can make the best of the time and even find comfort in it. And if you use the above advice to find new love, you wouldn’t be the first to do so even as you grieve.

• Don’t expect life to be normal. You won’t be up to snuff, but you can choose a focus to minimize pain.

• Being with others and seeking connection with friends, family and meeting new people can help you to quit dwelling on the past.

• It is certainly a time for self-indulgence. You’ve never had a better excuse to opt out of things you don’t enjoy or to stay home all day in your jammies watching reality t.v. marathons.

• But don’t indulge in a pity party. Do a release and then replace it with hope for your future and some steps in that direction. Feeding the attachment by wallowing in it will put you through needless misery. 

love and support,
Kathryn

Q: Kathryn, I'm dating the best guy I've ever dated. He is even my boyfriend! But I find myself constantly on pins and needles that I will lose him. It's never been this amazing with anyone before, and I'm at a loss. I know you say that he's not too good for me -- that no one is -- but it feels that way. I almost make myself sick, worrying about it.

A: My answer is one that should cheer you up! Let's dive in further to supposed dating out of your league -- it's not so hard to seal the deal and to save yourself tons of worry and grief.

• DATING OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, PART 4: Keeping Your Soulmate 
  
  
  So, you've gotten someone who you consider out of your league. You're dating and even committed. How do you keep him or her? The following spiritual techniques will work better than the most skillful manipulation technique that a traditional dating coach could teach you. 
  
  1. Continue to work on your own self-image. No one is really "too good" for you. Dating out of your league is a false concept. And so, you need to repeatedly remind yourself that you're worthy of this person. It's important that the two of you have an equal relationship in which you don't feel one-down. 
  
  2. Relax. When you find yourself panicking that you'll lose this "catch," use faith-building tools like prayer, meditation, uplifting reading and affirmations: ("I GET this and nothing can take away what is mine!). Mellow energy shows confidence and there is no greater magnet. 
  
  3. Communicate. Keep an open channel of
  
  connection with your boyfriend. It's one of the best ways to ensure a continued, vital relationship. Strive to keep revealing yourself to your One, even if it's scary and continue to explore your partner. You can never get to the bottom of another person.
  
  4. Let go. Holding on loosely is MUCH more magnetic than becoming clingy, paranoid or having to keep close tabs (all of which are repellent energies) on your love. Release and watch things blossom!

Chin up! You GET THIS. Most people who do my work end up with someone hotter than anyone they've ever dated. They have to get used to how great this person is that they manifested. But he's yours and you won't lose him. That's how it is with soulmates

Q: Kathryn, I've been reading your series on dating out of your league, and I have a different situation. I did your Soulmate Bootcamp and am now dating a guy who I would have been scared to even talk to at one time.

It's a stretch for me, and I'm scared I will screw it up. I really really like him - I know I'm falling in love. I go through way too much in this process and can relate to that client of yours who ended up in the emergency room. I hate this anxiety. How am I going to make it to getting committed to him? That's what I want.

And he likes me, too, but I get so nervous I don't see how he will like me enough to bring this into a full-on, exclusive relationship. How can I make this happen?

A: Most people who do my work end up supposedly dating out of their league meaning they are finally involved with someone they REALLY like and can't believe their "luck." (Just to remind you, I don't believe that anyone is out of your league, so I don't believe you would ever "update.")

The time between connecting with someone to when you commit can be a crazy time. I find that it can put people off-center. They're either waiting by the phone or checking email obsessively or busy finding fault and questioning whether this could be the One or not.

Three keys to this time are:

1. Finding center on a continual basis. Whenever you start worrying, let it go by doing a release ("I put this in the Universe's hands and trust it all works out") and then get busy having fun in your life. Don't revolve your life around this person.

2. Being with not-knowing. Instead of trying to rush things along, relish this delicious time of falling in love. As long as it's dynamic, you can trust it will work out but don't try to go from attraction to commitment instantaneously. Better to give it some time trusting that the right things will happen in due time.

3. Work on getting up to speed with this man. Remind yourself you're not chopped liver -- that he is lucky to have you, too. And that you deserve someone special. The more you can see this in range for yourself, the less out of your league he will seem. In truth, he is in your league or you wouldn't have gotten this far into dating together. Getting up to speed means accepting your good as your due, and in this case, it will make a world of difference on how you approach the budding relationship.

I bless you for getting into the committed relationship you want with your soulmate -- the hottest guy you've ever met. This could be it, and time will tell. Just know you're special and DESERVE THIS!!

Q: Kathryn, I have blown so many first dates that it's rare that I get a second date with anyone. I'm pretty talkative, and I do like to get down to the nitty gritty

so we don't waste time. I'm also pretty opinionated. Could you tell me some things not to do on a first date? I'd like to at least graduate to getting a second or third. It's getting pretty frustrating, and I know I'm worthy of love.

A: I'm so sorry to hear you've had this experience, but we can change it!

It sounds like you are probably saying some things that are shooting yourself in the foot on dates

Let me help. Here are 3 things not to say on a first date:

1. "I, I, I". If you are talking all about yourself, trying to impress your date, it's a mistake

You're not trying to prove yourself, and this is not connecting

Real connecting looks like: "You talk. They talk. You talk."

And it's best to focus more on asking questions and being a good listener than making it all about you

Some people might mistakenly brag or name drop, but neither of these will be effective in creating a bond

In fact research shows that kind of conversation is pretty offputting

Make your conversation a two way street where neither of you is having a monologue

2. "What do you want in a relationship?"

Turning the first date into a fact finding mission so you can see if they match your list is heavy and will not create an emotional bond between  you two

It can even be fear-based, trying to avoid another unavailable guy, but avoiding anything does not work well

You can assume your date wants what you do, but it will remain to be seen whether you want it with each other

Let the time together stay all about connecting

Enjoying each other comes first

You will see soon enough if the two of you want to continue or not

3. "My ex was a real gold digger. It's made me cautious about who I let in."

I would avoid talking about anyone in a negative way

When you do, you show yourself as judgmental and your date will begin wondering how you are judging him (or her)

I once had a client who was so locked into past mistakes that she judged each date through the cloudy lens of fear 

She had to learn that she would get different results now that she had changed

And approach each date with faith and trust

Instead of worrying what she would do if another guy proved unavailable, she had to learn to imagine the man in front of her was available and would not behave the way ex-flames had

She also had to alter her conversational patterns to connect better, something that I do with folks who dive into courses or groups with me

That was huge learning for her, and it led to her current happy marriage

Habits of past bad connecting or unhelpful conversation HAVE to be changed so you can open up to love

DO THIS INSTEAD! Instead of worrying about impressing your date or judging them, seek only to connect and create an emotional bond

THAT will keep them thinking about you after and wondering when they can see you again

Make sure you're connecting and that changes everything

You'll get to a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date until you've got a date for life!

Q: Kathryn, I have the most trouble connecting with someone who is hot. I get flushed and intimidated. I can barely look anyone I find attractive in the eye.

I know you say that my soulmate will be the hottest person to me, but how are we supposed to connect when I can't even speak? It's frustrating, and I have no idea how to get over this. Please help!

A: This is a subject I often deal with people on. Until you can connect with someone attractive to you, you are basically discounting every single possible soulmate. Not ideal!

Let me continue with the dating out of your league (updating) tips -- this time on connecting -- and that should help.

UPDATING, PART 2: Connecting Do's and Don'ts

In Part 1 of Dating Out of Your League, I called this UPDATING. I don't believe that ANYONE is out of your league, but if you do, I am revealing how to get beyond this and date who you want to -- one step at a time. Part 1 covered The Approach. I asked that when you find someone attractive, no matter how intimidated you feel, you approach them in some way, even with a smile or eye contact. If you don't, you pretty much rule out the very people who may be your soulmate (you will have crackling chemistry with your One).

In Part 2, we cover Connecting Do's and Don'ts. After you have approached someone you are attracted to, you need to seek a connection. Here are some tips. 

1. DO watch your energy. You want to seem mildly interested, pleasant and harmless. 

2. DON'T exude desperation or pushiness. You might as well put your hand on their chest and give them a shove away from you. Why? Desperation and pushiness repel.

3. DO honor the person's boundaries. Don't violate their personal space (learn to be aware of this). Don't go into a monologue if you can tell they're not into what you're saying 

4. DON'T seek to be dazzling. Your stellar personality will be less interesting than being a good listener. 

5. DO look deeply into your attraction's eyes and

become acutely aware of the connection between the two of you.

Connecting should be light, fun and with sensitive energy. Running anyone over with a bulldozer of in-their-face energy may send them scrambling for cover. Practice this in the next couple of weeks with no attachment to the results just to get better at connecting when you want to. More to come!

HEARTBREAK CORNER - Acute Grief

Lately, I've had a large number of people come to me in acute grief. How do you know if you're in acute grief? It is hard to function normally. At its worst, you can't sleep, either don't eat or eat too much and cry a lot of the time. If you have pain enough that you can't concentrate at work, are unusually fatigued or spend large chunks of time emotionally taking care of yourself, these are also signs of acute grief.

It is an unusual time and our bodies literally can't last in this state for too long. Therefore, you will bounce back. Don't expect much of yourself during this time. Here are tips for getting through:

1. Take care of yourself physically first. Eat regularly, sleep extra, walk out in the sun for at least 15 minutes every day.

2. Don't add extra pressure on yourself right now. This is the time to pamper yourself with extra lounging time, sleep time and downtime -- you need it.

3. Soothe yourself in any way that you can. Seek out prayer, counseling, supportive friends and anything else that feels good to you -- even a movie or show that distracts you (distraction is fine).

4. Look forward to the future. This is one of the tools in my Breakup Bootcamp. I ask people to begin to formulate a vision that they want in their lives. This keeps you from wallowing in the grief which is no fun and not productive. The more you can get yourself into a hopeful, positive state the sooner things will transform for you.

This is not the end for you. There is more love, more joy and more living awaiting. Remembering that will get you through the trauma state quicker. Blessings to you as you bounce back!

Q: Kathryn, I have an issue with guys I'm intimidated by.

I can't approach them, can't hold a coherent discussion and feel they would never be interested in me

I think I heard you mention something about updating one time. Does that relate to my issue?

Can you help me overcome this? I feel like it gets in my way as far as finding my soulmate goes.

A: Updating is basically dating out of your league. I don't believe in it but many buy into this notion.

If you feel someone is scary to talk to because they're desirable to you, you may believe that they're somehow better than you. This is a false idea.

There ARE NO leagues, only human beings looking to connect.

The next time that you see someone you find attractive, here are some techniques to effectively connect with them.

1. Get rid of the idea that they're better than you or could reject you. They can't. There is no rejection, only the wrong fit.

2. Remember we're not all attracted to the same thing so there is probably a REASON that you're vibing with this person. Intend to explore what is there.

3. Shore up your energy so it 's not desperate, which is repellent. Remind yourself that you are special, a catch for your soulmate.

4. With no agenda other than connecting and keeping

in mind that you are worthy of ANYTHING, approach the person and look him in the eye. Smile and ask him something about himself. Remember he's just a human being like you and needs to connect.
If you are fearful of approaching someone you're actually drawn to, like many that I work with, you automatically count out the people most likely to be your soulmate. Make it a point to stretch into allowing connections with those you find attractive. If you believe in updating, then vow to be a master at it!

I'm blessing you for getting over this and finding your soulmate quickly -- it's entirely possible. Sending love & support your way!

Q: Kathryn, I have always settled in relationship and have never ever dated someone I could see marrying

One of my friends told me about your work in which you teach that being picky is good

What?! That's so opposite of what I've always been told

To be honest, I'm petrified of any guy who seems promising and they feel way out of my league

So what should I do? Should I TRY to date out of my league?

A: People have some strange ideas about love, and one stands out as the absolute worst one if you want to find the love of your life.

That is the concept of Dating Our of Your League (I call this UPDATING)

•Almost every single I’ve worked with is occasionally intimidated by someone they find attractive. 

•And yet, that person is the most likely to be their soulmate.

•that you will have crackling chemistry with your One.

•The good news is there is NO SUCH THING as updating. No one is out of your league. We are all equal.

•But coming together with your soulmate can stress you out, if you (and this is common) buy into the idea of updating.

•Folks who believe in updating (even unknowingly) will always think their soulmate is out of their league.

•Why? Because this is the hottest person you’ve ever met.

•The solution is to get rid of the updating concept and elevate yourself to a place where no one is out of reach for you.

I will write more about this in the coming weeks. I know it's a topic that needs addressing so stay turned for more

In the meantime, start thinking of yourself as more of a catch -- as worthy as any great guy you see

We need to work on this or else you are consigned to being continually disappointed in your love life

I bless you for knowing just how worthy you are of someone special to you!

Q: Kathryn, I did your course and now, I've finally met someone. It's scary because he's everything I've wanted. I find myself getting nervous, thinking that it's too perfect, maybe too good to be true?!

He's the one who voluntarily took his profile off matchmaking websites and wants to see me all the time. We text all day long. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Is this too good to be true? What can I do?! I'm just so scared that I'll blow it or he will go away. Please help!

A: Congrats! You've done this process well and now you're manifesting. This is what typically happens with people who do my work? Why?

Because when you find your soulmate, it's beyond what you've ever experienced and it can take some getting used to.

I have a client experiencing a similar situation now, and I'm having to do a lot of handholding with her to get her through her own jitters.

Here's what I suggest to navigate this fun, courtship period.

1. Don't cry soulmate yet. It's fine to be cautious and give it the time it deserves to relish and make sure it's the right guy. So far, so good, though, and congrats on that!

2. Do go slowly. If he's really your One, then he will

be willing to wait for you to proceed at your own pace. Besides, it's fun to draw out this stage.

3. Remember to not put all of your eggs in one basket until it's a very solid commitment that has lasted a while. Regardless of how this relationship ends up, it's a huge manifestation and big thumbs up that you're almost there.

4. Take this as a template. Get used to it going this well as your due. You're breaking new ground, and I'm proud of you.

5. Finally, your most important job right now is to get up to speed with having a hot guy be enthused about you. If you were up to speed with it, you would not have jitters. You'd enjoy it, and you'd take it as your due. So our most important task is for you to accept your good and get used to it.

In my private practice, getting people up to speed -- conforming to their good -- is a major step we take. When you get there, it can never be taken away from you, and you'll only go on into more and more of what you want.

Great job! I'm blessing you for going all the way into the soulmate love you want so much. You're doing quite well.

I'm sending you love & support!

Q: Kathryn, a friend recently introduced me to your lovely work, and it’s giving me hope for the first time in a long while

I’m a stressed-out, straight single mom just like you once were

And okay, I’m good at seeing the humor in things. So . . . the soulmate I came up as being perfect for me is {drumroll} . . . .

A gay millionaire in construction

LOL! Isn’t that horrible?! One of my best friends is gay, and honestly, he treats me the way I want my soulmate to.

I just want a dude to come fuss over me, be tidy, pay the bills and fix things up around the house.

I remember your story one time about the older

woman you helped who met a guy who showed up every weekend for dates with a toolbox to do repairs at her house – right off of her soulmate list.

And I sure don’t blame her for marrying him.

Could I have one of those, please?!

In all seriousness, my cup is so empty. I cannot think beyond someone coming to take away my stress. 

Can I attract my guy with this frame of mind? Am I shooting too low?

A: Girl, you are cracking me up!

I love your humor and some lucky guy is going to have fun with you for the rest of his life

Are you shooting too low? Well, if you’re straight and a gay guy is appealing right now (which I totally get in a way), you’d be settling, right? Not really shooting too low, but this is not a fit. And yes, I know you were joking. Sorta

In short, you are in a needy place that’s not the best place to attract what you want

This is something we can fix, though! Here’s how I would coach someone like you:

1. Work on receiving – let’s work on not trying to do it all alone. Even right now, I guarantee you there is help beyond what you’ve been letting in. We must start filling up your cup so you don’t feel so stressed & needy

2. Start saying NO better and doing less. I’ll bet there are a lot of things you think that you should do that are optional. And often, I find stressed-out people are bad with boundaries. It’s hard to decline things people ask of you. If there was ever anyone who needs to do less and receive more, that is you

3. Have your child do more. He’s in 5^th grade! Your boy is old enough to help out. I find that many parents these days think of themselves as “employees” of their child, and it produces spoiled children with bad attitudes

Tell him he’s a member of the household, must contribute and you need him. Think of a few things he can do weekly to pitch in and take some weight off of your shoulders. He’ll start feeling proud about it, and you will get a break, too

4. Go for the “pie in the sky” (it’s not really that). Let’s imagine you could have a STRAIGHT millionaire who’s good around the house or can simply hire a handyman. I don’t believe in settling, and everyone I’ve worked with who has found love did not settle

They got their dream person. And you can, too

I’m sending you SO much love for having it all, for replenishing yourself and finding that perfect partner who makes you feel cared for

You deserve that, and as you know, I have a soft spot for single moms

To hear an audio version of this newsletter, click here

https://iTeleseminar.com/101429526

Q: Kathryn, I'm just starting to date a guy, and he has been making some sexual innuendos from the beginning

On date #3 last week, he asked me if I knew the "3 date rule" when I didn't want to get hot-and-heavy

What?!

I'm supposed to have sex with someone if we get to 3 dates?! That freaks me out. I like him but this is scaring me

Is it true? Is there a 3 date rule?!

I'm more conservative than that and need more time to warm up and make sure this is where I want to go

Is it wrong of me to want a commitment before getting that close?

A: Sadly, I"m sure the "3 date rule" was invented by some horny person looking for a booty call to help their odds of getting in someone's pants (probably without much serious intent there either)

But rest assured, there is no "3 date rule"

There's not a "48 hour rule" either -- that you have to wait to get in touch with someone after you get their info

• There are no rules at all. Each of us has to date in a style that suits us. So, if you are conservative, then you can absolutely wait until you're in a committed relationship (or even married) before going that far

• Anyone who pulls a rule out to try & coerce you into doing something you're not feeling is showing themselves in that moment. The true agenda comes out

• If  you like him and if he is your One, then he'll wait and honor you. If he still pushes, I would eliminate him and know that someone who respects you and will honor your timing lies ahead. He'll be worth holding out for!

• No one -- certainly not you -- is desperate enough to compromise on something like this

• You will not get what you want if you do give in. And you will be upset and feel let down in the end

If you are doing my work, then you are already engaging in a magnetization process that will not fail you

Have some patience and you will meet your One and the timing will unfold perfectly

A STORY

For one woman I worked with -- who had felt taken advantage of time and time again -- the key to her love success was to lay in boundaries

This woman had SO much heartache from giving herself away and then getting put on the back burner

She had felt so disrespected and CHEAP

She had to hold herself in higher esteem and learn to say NO

I also reminded her that any guy really into her would be willing to wait

As the work opened her up to  love, she met the most attractive man she had ever dated

And sure enough, he started pushing her to have sex

In this case, it was because he was so into her. He had such passion for her, it was really hard to wait

But she stuck to her guns and made him wait for several months

He was willing to do it and actually respected her more for not compromising herself

They got engaged shortly after, and are now married

Learning to honor herself more finally got her the love she wanted