1. Q: Kathryn, could my soulmate be married to someone else?


A. No! The shocking truth is that your soulmate is not taken. You get better than that. But when you're single, you have a place in you that wants love that is vulnerable. And it's easy to get excited and settle for someone who's not available. (This truth is only shocking if you are sure your soulmate is someone married or in a relationship, and you're waiting for them.)

Dancing around with someone taken is beneath you. You're settling. And you're keeping yourself unavailable for true love. Read on to find out more about that particular defense mechanism.


But bottom line, you deserve more than someone who is not completely available to you. The Universe would not dangle someone in front of you who cannot easily move forward into a full-on relationship.


2. Q: Kathryn, I've heard you say that my bad pattern is a defense and keeps love away. You were referring to my work. How can my demanding job be a bad pattern?!


A: The shocking truth is that things you may deem normal in your life are often barriers to love. And you have adopted them intentionally.


Yep, here are some examples including yours.

• Picking someone unavailable (like in Shocking Truth #1) keeps YOU unavailable . . . and safe

• Many folks I've worked with are workaholics, too "busy" to welcome in love. Work is very reliable, and yet balance is essential to a healthy life. Those who overwork have issues, including the fact that it keeps them unavailable for love . . . and safe

• Having an unrequited love or an unspoken crush on someone might be somewhat fun, but it keeps love away from you. As long as you don't dissolve the attachment, get an answer and move on, you're unavailable . . . and safe. (And yet the fantasy pales in comparison to the real deal of finding the love of your life -- who is wholly available to you and romances you in real life)

• Fostering a cynical attitude about love is a defense mechanism. If you appear to be jaded about love, you can't get crushed. Unavailable . . . and safe

The problem with these defense mechanisms -- designed to keep you safe -- is that they keep love out. You're unavailable until you can drop these patterns.


3. Q: Kathryn, can I really find love at any moment? It feels so very far away.


A: Shocking Truth #3 is that yes, no matter how despairing you are, love can still be right around the corner and creep up on you any moment.

It just takes some slight adjustments to have love rush into your life. You can only hold love at bay for so long, and then, it happens. Those who do my work have love show up in the most magical, unpredictable ways. And in one instant, life is changed forever.

Q: Kathryn, I'm in my late 50's and have not dated in 5 years. I rarely meet anyone age appropriate or attractive to me and am ready to give up on love
Has love passed me by? Is it too late for me? I'm really scared that is true. I don't feel very attractive either and see an older woman now when I look in the mirror. Who would want me?

A: Are you kidding me?! We need to work on your very limited belief. That's the only thing keeping love away from you

A couple of summers ago, we had a  rash of 50-somethings and seniors getting married. And it keeps on coming

I'm known for helping those who are no longer spring chickens to find love

These people were and are happier than teenagers experiencing first love, and I’m thrilled for them.

You may know that I teach that love knows no boundaries like age. It’s never too late for love. I'm sure that's why you're writing

If you’re ready for it to be your turn, then, here’s what will help.

1. Remember that love can happen at any time. Keep your hopes high, and look for the love stories that remind you that you have every hope for love.

2. Look for your blocks. You didn’t have to wait for love this long. Something is delaying you. Get to the bottom of it & let go of whatever is holding you up. Common blocks are: fear of commitment, past trauma, freedom issues, feeling unworthy of love, a bad pattern and hanging on to the wrong person.

In your case, I'm sure one of your blocks is thinking you're over the hill. You're not. If you haven't met your soulmate,  the best is yet to come

3. Send out a soul call & stay at Soulmate Level of Attraction. Do an energetic invitation for your soulmate to come NOW, and get happy and hopeful. This is an environment in which love can come quickly  . . . even if you’ve waited far too long.

Q: Kathryn, I've done so many things to welcome in love. I don't know what my problem is but I must be doing something wrong, because I'm still waiting. And waiting.

I have been on so many dates (not great ones) and go to a lot of parties. But I never meet anyone interesting.

I just want to shout "Where is my soulmate?!" It is very hard for me to relax and have any faith at all.

Do you have suggestions about what I can do? I'm just at a loss and ready to give up.

A: This is a common problem I deal with when clients are not manifesting easily.

Here are some thoughts:

1. Impatience is a sign that you’ve tried to make something happen before doing the inner work. When you are soulmate-ready, you don’t experience impatience.

2. Waste of Time As my work emphasizes, spending time magnetizing love from the inside ensures you’re not just spinning your wheels taking fruitless action.

3. Stay Home! Remember I’m the only dating coach

who says “you don’t have to get out there” and “if you don’t get out much, (s)he’ll have a wreck in your yard.” That’s because if you are laying the groundwork internally, you may not have to take a single action for love to show up for you. It’s why my book is called Love Will FIND YOU. And it’s why we have so many love stories from this work that involve meeting your soulmate while staying home. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to make every single event. Better to stay home & do a Soul Call.

4. Only a Dab of Patience In my book, I extol the virtue of patience in finding love. But you shouldn’t need that much patience. If you are not manifesting right away, you may have a block or delay. Common delays are cynicism, hanging on to someone from your past, self-esteem issues, lack of faith, a bad pattern or tendency to settle. All of these delays can be easily, even instantly overcome. 

5. Instant Manifestation Once you pinpoint your delay, it’s much easier to release it. As you do, you will find love knocking at your door, seemingly out of the blue.

If you are single and feel moments of loneliness, this is a good thing. It is indicative that you have a vacuum in your life, a space for love to come into. Being lonely means that you are wide open for The One.

This void, though it may feel empty and hard to deal with, is something to be guarded. The temptation may be to fill the loneliness with anything that comes along like a casual date or an old flame, but avoid doing so.

You don't want to start seeing someone just to fill the loneliness. It would be easy for you to try and make someone fit in there, but instead, imagine that this loneliness is a treasured place within you, only to be filled by your One, your soulmate. Treat it as sacred and don't easily let someone into this space.

In moments where your loneliness flairs, try the following:

1. Take a moment to be grateful that you feel lonely, knowing that the opening for your soulmate is intact and magnetizing him or her to you.

2. Send love to your soulmate wherever (s)he may be, knowing that you'll be together soon.

3. Release any impulse to take a stopgap measure to fill the loneliness such as late night dialing or making a date with someone you're not that interested in. Better to daydream about your soulmate instead.

4. Don't respond to a feeling of loneliness by letting it get you into a desperate state. Desperation repels, and it can lead you to bad decisions.The more you can start labeling your loneliness "good," the sooner you will be with your love, as this loneliness is a powerful attractor for your soulmate.

Q: Hi Kathryn! I love your Q & A’s and have one of my own

Ugh! I’ve had another couple of days up all night fretting, and I’m finally reaching out to you for help

I had a rough time as a child with abusive, alcoholic parents and felt like an outcast growing up

After years of therapy, I’m much better, but . . . . I still have a reaction I just hate and I truly think it’s affecting my ability to find love

It’s bad enough that over and over again, I attract guys who don’t live up, who treat me badly, insult me and hurt me

But what is worse is my reaction. After two dates with a guy, if I feel rejected, you would think that someone died from how this makes me feel

I just had this happen again. A guy I have casually dated for a very short time did something pretty hurtful, and I’m traumatized

No matter how short the relationship was or how casual, every time it ends, I pretty much curl up into a fetal ball for sometimes weeks or months

I’m depressed, I don’t want to date ever again, and I’m just miserable. This is where I find myself right now

The trauma is way out of proportion to what happened, and my friends are calling me out on that. But I can’t seem to help it. I find myself shutting down more and more just to avoid any more dating hurt

At this moment, I never want to date again and just live my life alone for fear of being hurt yet again

It’s frustrating because I do want love! Am I hopeless? Is there anything I can do to change the way I react, what I’m attracting and quit repeating this pattern over and over? Please help!

A: I’m glad you wrote me. Your case is far from hopeless

I suspect you just haven’t yet gotten the help you need

Because I ran a crisis clinic for many years, part of my process specifically deals with trauma that continues to inform what is happening now

I recently worked with a woman who had a crazy childhood with a mentally ill mom who abused her. She married a man who also abused her horribly both physically and mentally

When she came to me, she had finally left the abusive marriage but was still quite traumatized. And we got busy treating the still-present wounds and the resulting patterns

Here are the basic steps I used to help her heal and create something new:

1. We gave her the time to heal properly, to lick her wounds and create a sanctuary around her. In the past she always chose situations and people who would hurt her, so taking care of herself was new to her

2. We began using a multi-pronged approach to create a new security and higher self-regard as well as creating within her in a new template of what healthy love would be like to pull her beyond the past patterns. This ensured she would never again create such a destructive situation

3. Finally, we put in new behaviors for her in regards to dating. She would only date sensitive, kind men and at any red flag, she learned to pull out and not tolerate things she accepted before

The result? She found love late in life that made her heart sing with a kind, sensitive and handsome man. To this day, she cannot believe the happiness she is having in a soulmate relationship that honors her

She finally bucked her past trauma once and for all!

You can do this, too. When the pain is in your face like it is right now – that is the PERFECT time to dealwith it and transcend it

So I hope you take this opportunity to do some serious work to heal your trauma

You will be so busy in love, you’ll forget you were ever traumatized

Q:  Hey Kathryn! I love your work and it helped me meet a guy several years ago who landed in my lap. Problem is, it's a bit of a crazy love. We have broken up often but just can't seem to quit each other. To be honest, it's not that fun any more, but the thought of parting ways for good just breaks my heart

We are definitely in a rut, which is why I enjoyed the Rut Class so much. Do you think that getting out of my rut in this case means we have to break up?  Because I'm scared that's the answer, but sure don't want to face it. Is there any hope to work it out? Part of my problem is that he will not go forward with me as much as I want. I do want marriage and a family. And I've wasted years of my life on him at this point. Is leaving him the only answer?! I need your advice on this

A: I'm glad you heard the Get Out of Your Rut Class and that it's inspired you to try & figure this out. I'd hate you to spend another few years in limbo with your guy

Having said that, we don't know the answer yet, but it's entirely possible that you can retrieve this relationship, get it out of the rut and finally move forward into what you want with this man

There's a technique I use to kickstart something that is stalled. And it's been very effective in bringing relationships to soulmate level, where everything changes and it goes where you want it to go

The technique involves getting out of any bad pattern the relationship has fallen into

And also bringing it up to soulmate level

Even if your boyfriend doesn't know what you're doing, it only takes one person to uplevel the relationship and make it dynamic again

Set a secret intention that you will make it better

And then watch your energy, trying your best to stay in a good, centered and hopeful place even as things come up

It really does help to have someone walk this journey with you to get what you want

Q: I've been following your work for more than a year now.

I've read your books and I always listen to every webinar and Q&A, but nothing is working for me.

I feel like I grow and make progress with every class I listen to. I still have faith that love will happen for me and soon, but it's hard to stay strong in the dating desert.

I rarely meet people out-and-about or even in church, although I do look around and try to project a friendly welcoming manner. I just joined match.com about 2 months ago and only about 5 guys have contacted me.

I emailed 2 (not any of the 5) but they were clearly not interested.

If I have a "block". I don't know what it is, but I'm pretty sure it's not the main ones you talk about, because I've given those considerable thought. I can't afford your programs.

Do you have any other advice? I feel like faith alone is not enough, which goes along with what I've heard you say that waiting and waiting is not the right approach either. I'm not sure what else to do, besides pray or meditate to have the block revealed to me.

What do you think?

A: You do have a block for sure, and I'm sorry for your experiences.

At some point, you probably should get additional help. It's too easy to read or hear something and not really do anything differently. Joining a course or getting coaching has been my breakthrough in several instances and paid for itself many times over.

Oftentimes, you need to go deeper with someone holding your hand through the hard parts.

But on to your question. There's nothing wrong with you BUT a block. You haven't identified what yours is yet, but you definitely have one or you'd be with your soulmate by now.

The good news is we don't have to identify what the block is. There is a shortcut to what you want, and it's something I seed into all of my work. If you can do this, things can change in an instant.

Love is the easiest thing to manifest in this way. It could happen any minute when you get yourself into the right energy.

What does this entail? Let me break it down.

1. Getting happy  more of the time. It's just that simple. Being happy is magnetic.

2. Shoring up your soft spots. Many who have difficulty finding love get knocked down from Soulmate Level on certain subjects or in certain situations. For example, one of my clients would find herself shrinking whenever she saw an attractive man. She would shut down, getting fearful. There was no way she could connect with the guy once her energy started sinking.

Her job (and yours) was to learn to stay at the high level at critical moments for her love life that scared her.

It took some practice but in this instance, she mastered it quickly and met a guy 9 days later who she is still with now. That's how fast it can go once you're at Soulmate Level.

3. Making sure you are open. Many I've worked with sabotage themselves without even knowing it. One person I worked with cherished her freedom more than she realized. Every time a good prospect presented himself -- a hot guy who was available -- she would mess it up or find fault until it was too late. We had to deconstruct this tendency - of which she was not aware - and fix it. Once we identified it, troubleshooting the pattern wasn't hard and now she is happily married.

What I've just outlined is the fastest way to love (and to anything else you want, too). It's worth it to get there.

Q: Kathryn, I feel so stuck in my life. I had a rough childhood and am so happy that at last I’m on my own now

But I hate my job and am barely making ends meet. And on top of that, I can’t seem to keep anyone I’m interested in

The ones I don’t want will come around but when I finally meet someone interesting (let’s call the last one “Phil), he’ll drift away after a few months together

Phil broke up with me last weekend and said he just wasn’t feeling it. After telling me at first that he could see a future with me and couldn’t stop thinking of me!!!

I’m so frustrated. How is my life nothing like I want it? I’m too old to keep doing this and pretty despairing at this point

Please help me. I’m extremely sick of my life right now

A: I’m so sorry you are suffering, and I totally get it

I’m glad you reached out, though, because I can help

Congrats on making it to adulthood and out of your bad childhood!

Unfortunately, it’s far too easy to get in a rut and not be able to pull yourself any further . . . just what you are experiencing now

So it really IS time to do something new to get different results, right?

It’s something I help so many do, even when they’d just about given up

So WHAT is the secret to surpassing yourself or even your family pattern? To getting unstuck & going beyond where you’ve ever been?

There are 2 ways that I use to help folks break through, and it’s why my success rate is so high . . . even for HOLDOUTS, those who don’t manifest easily

1. Think back to when you’ve had a breakthrough before – even like when you finally got to adulthood and could break free from your upbringing. Remember that exhilarating energy when you’ve leapt forward?

As you recapture that feeling, you can use it to propel yourself to where you want to go . . . even if it’s a totally different area of your life

2. Get pulled there by someone who is where you want to be

This second way is what my work does well, and it’s why so many people take a class from me and almost immediately break through to the love they’ve wanted for so long

I pull people with my writings and groups to a new and amazing level. I recently celebrated my 16th  year of being married to my soulmate and have a huge track record with thousands of weddings

My work provides a jolt of hope and openings, so that love walks right into the door . . . and you never look back

And other things show up, too, like the right profession, money and more

Q: Kathryn, summer is here, and I'm beyond ready for love. What can I do to find love this summer? I'm feeling more hopeful than usual.

A: Your hopefulness is already making you more magnetic to love. I hope you'll concentrate on keeping that faith and also having fun this summer.

In addition, here are 4 tips to make this your summer of love!

• 4 Hot Tips to Attract Love

1. SIGNAL: If you are a woman, give a nonverbal signal when you're interested in a man. Prolonged eye contact can bring someone all the way across a crowded room. Despite what the bestseller THE RULES, says (let him make the first move), studies show that men generally will not approach a woman until they've gotten some signal of interest, whether it's a nod, a smile or simply a friendly eye gaze.

And no matter what gender you are, seeking a connection, being curious and warm toward someone makes you irresistible.

2. BE YOURSELF. Some experts say that you need to act this way or look that way, but studies don't bear out the notion of fitting yourself into some general mold of desirability. Reasons for attraction are so varied and so individual-specific that your best bet is to just be who you are, the most positive YOU with confidence, and the person who is attracted to your qualities will not be able to see past you.

One formerly single mom client who is now on my wall of weddings was always told she was too quiet and withdrawn to find love. As she did my work, an uncle showed up to pick up a child at her house from a playdate. He was taken with her and loved what a good listener she was.

It took him 45 minutes to collect his nephew and leave. He made sure he had her number before he drove away. The rest is history - the two tied the knot 18 months later. Not only did this show that love would come to her door but also that she never had to be something she was not. Her new husband adores her contemplative, sensitive nature. They're a perfect fit.

3. FORGET LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT and give an emotional bond and the ensuing chemistry time to develop. Studies overwhelmingly show that physical attraction levels vary between the first meeting and a deeper bonding time. Either the attraction grows or it peters out as the couple get to know each other. Many peopledevelop crushes with repeated exposure to an individual who they at first didn't find attractive which explains the phenomenon of office romances.

Just have fun this summer, enjoy flirting and bonding, and as you give love a chance to dawn, it will.

4. DO WHAT FITS YOU. If you're not the bar or on-line type, don't force yourself to visit bars or do the on-line dating thing. Studies show that the way people meet are so varied that you can't predict when love will happen. Chances are that if you don't like bars, you're not going to meet someone compatible in one. Better to do what feels natural to you and trust that love will find you.

• Love Life Affirmation 
  I connect with my soulmate. I commit to him (or her). We are one. I continue to open to love. I am a magnet for my love this summer.

Here's a Q & A - a great one for anyone getting impatient to find love.

Q: Dear Kathryn,  I feel SO stuck in my life. It has been eons since I've even had a date.

I recently discovered your work, and for the first time in years, I'm finding hope that maybe I can find love after all.

Is there anything I can do to get out of this rut I feel like I'm in?

Thanks!

A: First off, let me say that even if you've waited a long time for love or almost given up, you still get love. That has not changed.

When you've had a long pattern of any kind, it takes a concerted, steady effort to change it. That's why a book or teleseminar here and there (or even a retreat) are not enough.

You need to institute a regular protocol to change things up. When I work with people privately, we lay in a regular combo of recordings, homework, meditations (hypnosis), daily practices and private sessions that keep them moving beyond blocks they may have.

This is the best way to break a bad "habit" -- or rut -- in love.

One of my private clients -- at age 51 -- recently used this practice to manifest the thing that had eluded her all of her life: the man of her dreams. He's the most handsome guy she has dated, highly successful and crazy about her, too.

I bless you for finding what can work the best to keep you moving into love. I have a feeling we may be adding your photo to our love wall soon :)

Step #5 is something that seems counterintuition but seals the deal with the one you want

In Step 5, we continue on how to behave when you connect with someone you are intimidated by

This is the connection part

I know this sounds weird but in this case, you have to fight your instinct

STEP #5 TO DATING OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

So what is Step #5?

Act differently than your instinct

- So far your instinct hasn't served you or you would be with your soulmate

- The problem is that most people, when they see someone they feel is out of their league, get intimidated

- And being intimidated means you act out of fear rather than faith

- This is where you go wrong

- To go against your instinct, we have to do things differently

HOW TO DO THIS

In Steps 1 - 4, you learned how to attract someone and how to start connecting well

But even if you attract someone you consider out of your league, most people blow it

What they do next doesn't work

• They get clingy & paranoid this person will leave

• They act from a fear based place

• Desperation repels, and so this will drive the person away from you

• So we have to do the opposite of your instinct

• You need to be hard to get

• This is the faith-based position

• Act as though you are a catch (you are) and don't be overly available

• This is not manipulation when you mean it

SHE LOST THEM ALL

I once worked with a woman who had high standards

She was selective, and all of her friends told her to be less picky

I told her to stay picky

That wasn't the problem

She connected with a few hot guys over the years, but would blow it shortly after

They all went away

She would get clingy, demanding, need reassurance and create drama

Our work changed that so she calmed down and stayed more centered

She also did the steps I told her to be hard-to-get in a GOOD way

It worked!

She attracted the most handsome, wonderful and successful man she had ever met

This time, she did not center her whole life around him

She held on loosely, which is wildly magnetic

And it lasted!

He proposed within just 4 months, saying he had never met a woman like her

(All previous loves had chased him wildly)

The fact is that when you act according to who you really are - a catch - you can get anyone you want . . and keep them

As my now happily-married client will attest to

YOUR HOMEWORK

1. Using Steps 1 - 4  (these steps are being posted on my blog if you need to catch up) attract the ones you want

2. As you connect, do not fawn over them but treat them as an equal

3. Don't act hard-to-get, be hard-to-get. This person should prove himself to you -- that he is serious and interested

4. We're not paying games here, but holding on loosely and not being super caught up in the romance until well into it is magic. It is very magnetic so as you fight your instinct to cling, you will see people go crazy over you!

This is the last in the Dating Out of Your League Series. Hope you've enjoyed it.