Love repellent #4 is what can make a date go bad without your knowing it
The date goes nicely but then they never call again
You don't know what you did wrong
But he did kiss you at the end of the date
And promised to call
But why didn't he?!
THE LOVE REPELLENT
What are you doing that make the date pull away?
It's not picking up and returning BIDS
- What is a BID?
- Anytime someone opens up to you, they are very vulnerable
- Each communication feels like a risk to them
- They need to feel you are with them
- So if they lob a BID your way, and you react negatively -- even if you think it's a valid argument or healthy debate -- they start pulling away
- There's a subtle bonding process that begins the minute you meet -- maybe even sooner if you're online dating
- It's important to do everything you can to let this person know they are safe and understood with you
- And it's critical to know what will bond you and what will push them away
- I have long seen that many people simply don't know HOW they're pushing people away
- And once they learn how to bond, they quickly find love
THE ANTIDOTE
You have to learn when you're getting a bid and what to do with it
And further, it's one key to creating a bond
Here is the antidote:
2. Respond positively. Don't negate what they just said, don't be luke warm but instead be supportive, warm and interested
3. When someone negates a BID -- let's say you argue, or say NO -- your date feels subtly rejected
Even when it's something silly like you not trying a bite of their food or asking them not to lean against your recently painted wall.
It creates a distance between you
4. Dates are no time to argue politics, religion or any subject. They're a time for bonding and creating a connection, particularly if you like your date!
5. To create a positive BID, you can use everything we've been discussing so far in the Love Repellent Series - be warm, ask follow-up questions and look them in the eyes
6. We need to add to this by also being positive, supportive and saying YES as much as we can (not to sex if you're not feeling it, that's another subject and related to Boundaries, and ascertaining interest. We'll get there soon)
SHE FOUND LOVE AFTER BEING SINGLE FOR DECADES
She grew up in an argumentative family of strong-willed independent people
(There's nothing wrong with being empowered in that way)
She was well-versed in debate
And did not even realize how often she negated people's bids
She said NO so often to colleagues invitations to lunches, dinners and having a quick drink, they quit asking her
She went on a date when we first start working together, and by probing, I found out she did the following on that date:
- got into a heated discussion about an proposition on the upcoming election ballot
- refused the date's offer of a sip of his signature cocktail
- did not take up his BID of mentioning his family (she could have asked more details to indicate interest)
- fairly abruptly announced she had to go when the clock struck 10
And she liked this guy!!!
She did not even realize how often she negated people's bids
In her family growing up, no one knew or cared about bids
And her willingness to argue and be abrasive actually serves her well in her field
But she was unable to turn this tendency off in order to bond to someone she actually wanted to be close to!!
This client had had a LOT of first dates and very few second ones, no surprise
And she tended to be lonely with few friends
So we worked on returning BIDS better
I forbade even NEUTRAL BIDS (those where you are polite but cold or not engaging)
I asked her to return BIDS with a positive response to everyone for a period of time
She was SHOCKED at her instinct to shut folks down
She never even knew she was doing it
But as she gave new responses, the outcome was so positive she got in practice better
And then she ran into the guy who never called again on the street (the one she liked)
After all of our practice, she naturally reached out to him, giving her own very positive bid
He looked surprised, but said "hello"
She then apologized for coming across as cold on their date, saying she had had a bad day
They ended up having a long discussion on the street, which led to drinks and dinner
THIS TIME, they did bond!
The two are now engaged, planning a wedding this fall
Learning Love Repellent #4 and course correcting proved just the ticket for this happy client
YOUR HOMEWORK
This week, start noticing when people are lobbing BIDS your way
Practice giving POSITIVE BIDS as much as you can
Notice the response to BIDS you give out, and don't take it personally if someone doesn't respond in kind
They may not know about BIDS, and suffer for it
(There is no rejection, there is just the wrong fit)
As you get into practice, you can use BIDS to bond more quickly so you get the second, third, fourth dates and beyond
You can even use this knowledge at work and with friends for very good results
Stay tuned for the Love Repellent #5 in next blog.
This repellent is big reason you don't attract who you want. Once you learn it, you will be treated very differently in the best way possible
Learning will make all of the difference in your ability to get to the second, third, fourth dates and beyond
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